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Interesting marriage dynamics

I love dogs's picture

DH and his brother work together and DH said BIL has been very moody and hard to work with. Apparently his home life with SIL is festering and he is resentful toward her.

DH says that they have 100% separate finances and that BIL pays 100% of their living expenses. SIL drives an almost new Mercedes and just bought a $3000 purse. All while demeaning BIL for being broke and not driving a nice car. They have no kids.

I believe that marriage is a partnership. I could never watch my SO drown while I'm living comfortably. It isn't really our business but DH said he's grateful that we work together to make a better life and share everything. Reading about all the marriages that completely separate finances is just foreign to me.


beebeel's picture

Maybe you don't understand because this is not an example of separate finances. If he pays all of their expenses, his finances are shared while hers are not.

Seems a bit snarky to post this when so many people here have separate finances. DH and I have combined finances, but I'm not going to (mis)judge others because they choose a different way.

I love dogs's picture

They married quickly because she was pregnant but she eventually miscarried. I guess they didn't discuss how money would be handled and he assumed financial responsibility. Not snarky, just sharing. Everyone on this site is so quick to be offended and point fingers. It seems like the separate finances comes more commonly with second marriages and skids being involved.

AshMar654's picture

Sounds like he supports her and she just lives her life. It is not fair. If she can not see what she is doing than she is very vain and selfish.

SO and I do things separate. He pays for stuff and I pay for stuff that we agreed on before moving in together. It will probably stay that way for a while. he has never really had to manage money till recently. So he still has some learning to do. I want to pay off my student loans before I combine accounts with anyone.

Your BIL needs to grow a set and stand up to her.

justmakingthebest's picture

Sometimes joint finances work well, sometimes they don't. We keep our stuff separate and only have the mortgage that we both contribute to. Other than that we have specific bill that are our responsibility- they come to a pretty equal distribution of the household costs. It works for us. We were both burned financially in the past so this is our way of feeling safe.

What your BIL has is not fair at all, he needs to change the dynamics of their finances. Even if it is a joint household account that they each have to deposit $X into each month to pay their share of household costs and then personal accounts for anything over that so they don't have to feel like they need to explain every purchase.

I love dogs's picture

DH and I never discussed finances before moving in together, we just assumed that everything would be shared. I do most of the housework because he doesn't like chores and he is currently bringing in most of the income. I do get frustrated with him sometimes because I work very hard outside of the home also and he needs to be told to help with chores. It's my fault for setting that precident early on.

I don't have a problem with either person spending excess money as long as the necessary expenses are paid. Just posting my thoughts and not minding my own business }:)

Willow2010's picture

DH really want to combine finances. Oh heck no. I know I am way to controlling to do that. And he makes a little more money than I do but I still don’t wanna do it.

Right now, he can go out and buy a $500 tool/toy and I don’t blink an eye. Buuut…if he did that and our finances were combines…I might flip my sh!t. lol. It makes no sense but it is what it is.

I love dogs's picture

At least you have an understanding. I guess BIL is feeling short changed with how things are playing out and he's been an ass lately. It also seems like a lot of steppparents are resentful because their spouses spend excessively on skids or anything else on top of CS and complaining they're broke.

I wonder if your hubby wants to combine finances to let you handle and take one more thing off of his plate. I'm partially joking but suspect that may be his intention.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We do something in-between?... We have separate accounts... Certain bills we're responsible for... BUT we discuss all purchases with the other and make the decisions together... It's been alright. He's still learning money management skills. Which has been frustrating in the past, but he seems to be getting ahold of it and even took a bill from me. So it works. I refuse to do combined accounts until he gets rid of all his ex's s*** he's got to pay off... She's murdered his credit. Heck no is she murdering mine, and since the bank has pulled thousands out when she's defaulted on something we don't know before... Even more heck no! Sorry, but those bills are his alone to deal with.

I love dogs's picture

I agree with that completely. No use dragging your credit down when it isn't necessary. I just feel bad for BIL because he's driving a beat up van that barely runs just to get b!tched at by his wife for being a loser when she has a luxury vehicle and $3K to spend on a purse! Even if I had a million dollars at my disposal, I'd still rock my discount purse that I spent maybe $20 on and DH would have a decent vehicle.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I carry a backpack I got on sale for $5. LMAO. So I agree! I'm just not a big spender! Also I'm not gonna live better than my spouse.

Your BIL may need to rethink things... If he got married because she was pregnant. There isn't even a kid... And a child is NEVER going to make a marriage work... So maybe he did done made a mistake.... She sounds selfish.

I love dogs's picture

Mine is a backpack purse, too! I love it!

SIL really isn't a bad person it's just funny to hear how things have turned out for them. I want them to be happy, of course.

Funny story: one of DH's best friends growing up has been with the same woman since high school- so 12+ years. When DH was with BM, they were invited to this couple's house along with another couple. Apparently they were trying to have an orgy or wife swap or something. DH picked up on it right away and said he couldn't get out of their quick enough! BM was probably already cheating on him then so he said they could've had her lol

Another friend said that that same couple was caught having a threesome with another man's wife when he walked in on them. That turned out pretty messy.

I haven't seen that friend/ couple in a long time but it's kind of hard to see people in the same light when those skeletons come out of the closet.

That's why DH and I never vent our marriage in real life because people will never forget that time you bad-mouthed your spouse.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Relationships don't always end because one is a bad person. Resentment is just a HARD thing to overcome. Money actually breaks up a HUGE portion of marriages. Smile

I vent on here... But I try not to vent out of here. So I understand that concept! The skeletons are yucky!

I love dogs's picture

You're right. I read an article that said that "unmet expectations" are also a top relationship killer. I'm glad DH loves me for me and doesn't push me to be someone I'm not.

Willow2010's picture

I wonder if your hubby wants to combine finances to let you handle and take one more thing off of his plate. I'm partially joking but suspect that may be his intention.
No that is not it. It would actually be A LOT easier on me and I would have access to more money.

I thought we would combine after all the kids were grown, but I just can’t seem to take that step. It is a control thing on my part. I get it. Maybe someday but just not right now. lol

You BIL is getting short changed big time. No way I would allow that.

I love dogs's picture

SIL isn't a bad person, I guess that's just how she is. I think her mom never worked so maybe she just expects the man to be sole provider?

My H isn't a spender so I don't have to keep my eye on him too closely haha I'm the one who is going to be funding our retirement and I'm completely ok with that.

hereiam's picture

She lets him fully support her and spends lavishly, then busts on his ass about him being broke and not driving a nice care. She's not a good person.

I love dogs's picture

She's not bad to me is what I meant. BM did the same to DH. He gave her everything he had (his mistake) after his personal bills were paid. The rest was to support BM and SD. He made very good money back then.

When he'd had enough of BM's narcissism and cheating, he walked with a duffel bag. We don't have much but we love each other. That's all that matters to me.

paul_in_utah's picture

Money was a yuuuge problem back when Partner and I were married. She is a spender and ran up about 25K in secret credit card debt behind my back. Now that we are legally separate entities, I don't have to worry about what will show up on her credit report anymore.

We have separate households now, but I do pay for our meals out, entertainment, and vacations. I'm ok with that.

FrenchPeas's picture

I refused to combine finances with nimrod. He would have spent all my money. He was a user and it infuriated him i wouldn’t combine. He was not to be trusted at all. Mooch

I have a friend and he’s been married 25 years. She makes more than him and he is 1099 so he always owes taxes. He made a comment that she files taxes separately and gets a refund and spends it while he pays in on the payment plan. I was floored. But she seems to always get her way....