I know where SD gets it from
Yesterday we went to an art event with SD and DH told her she's going back to BM's after. SD asks if she can just stay the night because she doesn't want to go to BM's. So SD calls BM and of course the request is declined. I know that BM doesn't have to agree but why not? DH leaves for work by 7am and could've had SD to school with more than enough time to be ready.
BM told SD she's a "hot mess" when she comes back from our house. I told SD that that seemed like an unnecessary comment and it was kinda rude. SD seemed bothered by it. I feel bad for the kid. I know BM wasn't obligated to oblige, but I remember reading someone's comment that said the skid acts up at the parent they don't want to be with's house. BM always tries to blame SD's attitude on DH when it's in fact the issue that she created.
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Well I have my BS 90% of the
Well I have my BS 90% of the time and I have told him basically that he is a hot mess when he comes back from his dad's. And it's true. He's all hyped up from the sugar that dad gave him and all the fun that he had. Ex never understands why I want BS home by 5pm (or earlier) because I need him to calm down and settle back into a routine before he starts his week of school and sports, etc.
And not so sure about the comment that kids act up at whose house they don't want to be at because BS acts up at our house but he's there 90% of the time. From my understanding he doesn't act up at his dad's but it's all fun there. No need to act up when you're having a good time.
So not sure that my response helped you... but just a different perspective.
The thing is you also have
The thing is you also have many kids who act up because the "primary" home doesn't have firm rules.
BM here is primary and complains about the son's eating issues but it's because she doesn't enforce rules. The kid behaves at our home because I put my foot down over summer. SO had to work and for a few nights I was up with a screaming child because he wanted candy before bed like he gets at mom's and I said no. He knows at mom's if he doesn't want to eat meatloaf she'll make him chicken nuggets while at our house he'll just go hungry until he eats it.
BM wants to demand that SO do things differently but the thing is he already does.
BM - Stop giving him sippy cups because I don't want to wash them any more. (Hasn't had one with us in over 6 months.)
BM - M wont stop sitting down and demanding I carry him. Stop carrying him. ( Kid would get his butt busted if he pulled that crap with us).
I could go on.
I love when BM makes
I love when BM makes suggestions for our home for issues that haven't been an issue in a long time. Of course SD loves her mom but that doesn't mean poor BM is the better parent because our court system is biased against dads who just want their fair share of parenting time.
Our BM says SD needs to calm
Our BM says SD needs to calm down and demanded she be home by 4pm for the same reasons you stated but she's never "hyped up" when she's taken back so we think she's just full of bull. SD doesn't even eat candy so she just needs another excuse to be in control. When behavioral issues have come up here, DH (or sometimes I) shut that down pronto.
It was the same for us. My
It was the same for us.
My kids are very well behaved..... with me. They're little sh!ts with ex-dh, apparently. Not my problem.
SS was well behaved for us at our home... when he'd go with BM she couldn't control him. Not my problem.
As much as they say they hate it, kids love structure - it makes them feel safe...even if they don't realize it. They know what to expect, it's consistent... when things are up in the air, they're uncertain... anxious... act out.
BM once tried telling dh about how he'd better stop doing xyz, because SS was a little brat with her... he flat out told her, he doesn't do xyz, and that it wasn't his problem if ss was being brat for her.
Just because they ARE a hot mess, doesn't mean they need to be TOLD... because then they associate that you are essentially giving them crap for being at their other parent's home... you didn't explicitly say anything of the sort, but that's what they take away.
There is an AMAZING book on
There is an AMAZING book on that whole kids need structure thing. It's called "The Collapse of Parenting."
As for calling them a hot mess it really comes down to how it is said. You can lovingly and jokingly call a kid something and them understand it's not a put down. Here the kids are "weird" or "weirdos" BUT they know its not an insult and they will turn around and tell SO "you a weirdo too" and they all agree and laugh. I don't do it though since I don't have that bond with them and I feel they might take it wrong.
Now the kids have been VERY cruel to each other before and we do talk about how words can hurt. In this case it seems like BM is using it to hurt. Every time you put down a kid the work it takes to build them back up is tremendous.
My mom did and still calls me and my sister "brat" but we know it's teasing. My dad hurt me though because he said I was "too much of an adult." Now really which one is the bigger insult normally? The thing is my dad meant it to be hurtful and it was.
you have a good point... we
you have a good point... we tease each other all the time. It's never said out of aggravation... which I guess is the difference.
Thank you. I'd be upset if
Thank you. I'd be upset if one of my parents told me that I was a "hot mess" given the same situation. Yeah, sometimes kids are but as you said, it shouldn't be verbalized. SD had become distant for a couple of years after the court proceedings because BM made her feel bad about wanting to spend time with DH and at our home.
Now that SD is almost a teenager and seeing how controlling and irrational BM can be, she's questioning BM's rationale because sometimes she just wants to be a controlling jerk.
But by all means BM, blame all of your issues on your ex who you KNOW is a good parent.
Funny memory from MOTY last
Funny memory from MOTY last Mother's Day:
DH asked SD how Mother's Day was with BM because he helped her buy a card and flowers. BM left SD with the boyfriend because she needed to spend time with HER mom- GBM. SD was very upset about not being included and I'm surprised GBM let that happen. BM didn't care that SD wanted to hang out with her.
BM over here made a big deal
BM over here made a big deal about making sure SO knew he had to return the kids early according to there CO but then wasn't even home. Hadn't told him she wouldn't be and then yelled at him because he didn't just take them to her family in the first place.
These women. SMH. The first
These women. SMH. The first Thanksgiving of the CO, BM dropped SD off almost an hour late because she knew we had plans to eat with my parents. SD said she told BM they needed to leave to be dropped off on time and BM told her they would leave when she was ready.
I know I get annoyed with SD sometimes but growing up with BM, I think she literally doesn't know better. At least SD is genuinely a good kid.
SO's daughter is really smart
SO's daughter is really smart and seems aware of a lot more then she should at her age. We honestly think she will be asking to come live with us as soon as she's old enough to have say.
We don't do anything special we just don't expect her to be an adult or let her brother run the show. We also keep them the time we are suppose to. Show them basic respect and answer questions they ask rather than getting onto them for it. I'm not joking I saw BM scold the children because they asked why mom and dad weren't friends anymore...... It's not an easy conversation to have but kids need to know things in an age appropriate way.
The girl seems to really appreciate these things. I think she also likes the stability. BM's repeated moves and the guys coming in and out have really hurt the child. She got attached to the last one and started talking about him being her step dad then he vanished one weekend when they were with us.
She wasn't withdrawn from me at first but she didn't just latch on. We didn't push me on her like BM did with the guys so when she finally "attached" to me it was a big deal. I mean the kid went from not really wanting to be close to me, not rude or anything, to all the sudden being happy cuddled up in beside me while we just watched youtube videos on my phone. She's now comfortable wrestling around with me and her dad together. She likes hugs and will cling to me. She automatically goes to me if there is some reason why SO and I need to split the kids like if we take them to do something fun and one wants to go one way and the other the next. I love that she feels comfortable around me. I love that she was allowed to decide when she was ready.
Girls are the best. I miss
Girls are the best. I miss when SD was that age. She would sing songs in my ear and we had our inside jokes. She's also very bright and has a great sense of humor. I wish BM would just disappear and we could be a family, the 3 of us but I know that will never happen.
SD also trusts us more because we're honest with her and try to explain things to her in an age appropriate way. BM just gets mad and scolds her when she asks questions. But I can understand that because BM knows she's created this situation and doesn't want to make herself look like the bad guy who's ruining SD's childhood.
What exactly does she mean by
What exactly does she mean by 'hot mess'? and in what way? either way it's not the thing to say is it? Especially to her daughter. If she thinks the girl is a hot mess by way of accusing you guys of something then she needs to say it to YOU not her daughter. But I doubt she would do that.
How old is SD? sounds like she's not a little one. Kids can cope with two homes and two sets of rules, it's a known fact but... whether they WANT to is another thing. We all know that kids will play adults off against one another. I think the problem is usually when there is a very different parenting style involved.
Our BM tried to make out that SS was 'in a state' running around all stressed and nervous when DH used to arrive to pick him up from eowe at hers. We asked SS (he was about 11 or 12 I think at the time) if he was upset or worried about coming back to ours and he said 'no' so we said that BM seemed to think he was upset and if he was then we would like to find a solution. He looked totally confused then said 'well I do run about fast and clear up my lego etc because BM only says its time when she sees Dad's car outside and I want to get back home asap so I run around and clear up quickly.
So there it was - BM and even a friend of hers who she used as a flying monkey to threaten and attack us had used this interpretation of the scenario as an attack on us. This friend of hers wrote us a nasty email saying that he was there and had seen SS getting psychologically upset and stressed at the thought of his father arriving. What a load of rubbish. Just shows how they twist situations and don't care to actually ask the child.
BM says that SD always goes
BM says that SD always goes back to her with an "attitude" and figures it must be our house. She never takes into consideration it's probably because she interrogates her and always tells her what a POS her dad is. That would make me mad and act like a jerk if I were SD. SD just turned 12 so she's definitely getting a mind of her own and BM doesn't know how to act because she can't control her like when she was little.
Also, I'm sure that it tears BM apart that SD actually wants a relationship with us and doesn't hate us like BM does.
My step kids used to love our
My step kids used to love our house and always complain about bms and dh lapped that sh!t up like a puppy and spoiled them even more. We're talking $2000 a piece at Christmas and more so on birthday parties and presents all while hearing the kids say bm doesn't buy them anything and bm is mean to them. Once bm realized that dh wasn't inheriting ANYTHING from his dad when he passed AND the kids can't have their funds touched till 25 except for college she DUMPED them on us! She said she was tired of being the bad parent and dh being the fun parent. My life is f@cking miserable now! Now the kids HATE us and love bm and bm doesn't even take them for the weekends because it's to stressful for the kids. She takes them for dinners and/ if they want to go to friends houses. Dh has had to ground his kids for bad grades and they go to bms and to their friends houses!! We can't enforce any rules because bm doesn't care! Please do not think this won't happen to you! Once bm realized her kids weren't the money tree she thought they would be she doesn't care anymore. My marriage is in the sh!t tank now, my poor son is having to live with these heathens and dh is buying everything since bm pays jack in child support and refuses to cover any extras!! I'm seriously thinking about leaving.
What a horrible experience!
What a horrible experience! I'll never understand how parents can just dump their kids like that. BM would never give SD up because it's all about proving what a loser my husband is. Hugs to you! I hope you're happy with whatever you decide.
Oh no. It's not like that at
Oh no. It's not like that at all here.
The kids are asked to do chores which they do receive an allowance for but it equals out to less than 5 dollars month. We are finding the balance between having them help with more than just their own room and not asking them to do too much since they don't stay. They do laundry and dishes right now so it takes a long time to earn the money.
For their birthdays they each got 1 gift from both of us, a book, and my mom got them a gift so that was 4 things total. We spent less than 50 each on gifts.
We're already talking Christmas. It looks like we will spend a max of 60 on each for 3 'official' gifts. They will also get new pajamas, a book, some small toys in a stocking, maybe the kids bath gift set from wal-mart so all together we'll spend less than 200 on Christmas. They might get 3 gifts from my family total.
SO and I talk constantly to make sure we are on the same page as to how they are raised. He is the lead but he knows if I'm not happy I wont stay. The main thing we disagree on is that the kids go to bed watching a movie so honestly I'll give him that one.
Yes the every other weekend parent can easily go overboard trying to "make it up" to the kids for being gone but then again "normal" parents can do that too by just spending money rather than raising their children.
I'm sorry your DH did this and your in this situation. Good luck. You do what's best for you and your child.
I couldn't imagine $2K for
I couldn't imagine $2K for xmas! SD just gets one "big" gift from both of us which is usually about $100. For her bday this year, she got a pool party at a hotel which was about $200 total.
Also, we've taught her how to make french toast, mac n cheese, cinnamon toast, how do to her laundry, and how to load the dish washer and pack her own lunches. I'm sure when BM starts making her do those things for herself she'll take credit.
I've taught the youngest how
I've taught the youngest how to get his own drinks which means pulling the stool into the kitchen to get the cup, getting whatever out of the fridge, pouring all that.
We've got bins they know they can grab from which have things like fruit cups and apple sauce in the pantry then cheese sticks and yogurt in the fridge.
We let them pick what to do with their birthdays. The boys was about 50 total while the daughters was 100 BUT they each were happy and got their choice. They didn't feel it was unfair in any way nor did we attempt to be. The boy's ALSO included my sister's kids we just got to do it on a discounted day so it would have been close to the same price if we hadn't.
I think it is hard for kids
I think it is hard for kids to go back and forth and there can be a lot of emotions going on in them. Sometimes bs transitions fine sometimes he is a rollercoaster of emotions.
I am the structured house, the one with rules and chores, homework and consequences. I parent to make sure he grows up to be a good person. Sometimes it sucks. Being a good parent is hard work but I parent the way I did before the divorce.
My ex parents the way he always did, no structure,bed times, bad mouthing me ect....and yes it makes things difficult and he doesn't have to deal with the blow back....but he also doesn't get to experience all the good things I do...and that is a choice he made.
Our therapist says kids will often give the pArent they feel safest with the hardest time because they know that parent will still love them and they can get the support they need when they are falling apart.
I just share this not to judge or dispute but to show another side. I have been both a step mom and a bio mom and each is hard.
I understand completely where
I understand completely where you are coming from. I think the thing is the degree it get's to.
I would hope and I understand I don't know this that it get's easier as they get older and learn.
SO's son has set backs at times. Things we've got nailed down in our home but he get's away with at her's will pop up now and then. It's annoying as hell BUT I do acknowledge that it isn't as sever. The food issue pops up but I've not had another full weekend of a screaming kid at 10 PM. I have a whiny child at 9 begging me for ice cream telling me he doesn't want a fruit cup. It's severity that I notice the difference.
I do understand that my point of view is limited and I'm in a different situation completely so this may not be the case for every child. Of course it wouldn't be.
I do also see the emotional flares. Most times SO's son handles having to come with us just fine. Then other time's something has happened at school, with BM, whatever and he has a melt down but he bounces back in good time.
For the most part SO and I try to do what we would if we did have full. We do our best to be consistent. I'm also well aware through this site mostly that all hell could brake loose at any more and the kids could turn on me like rabid dogs. All the hard work for nothing. I guess that's just the risk we take.
You seem like a great parent. I'm sorry your ex needs to step up as one. I think in the long run it really is on the parents. You can do everything you do wonderfully and if BD is his way you'll have your fight. Good luck.
Thank you, I try very hard to
Thank you, I try very hard to do the right thing. I have a wonderful relationship with my former step sons..they are 17 and 20 and I could not love them more or be more proud. Their relationship with their dad is not so great because of how he is.
Have you ever read parenting through love and logic...omg it and a amazing therapist has been a life saver for my son. We had so.e pretty tough times. I highly recommend it.
I just picked up a new book tonight about raising exceptional kids from the book fair. I will let you know what I think.
I have changed how I parent my emotional child...i am not perfect, I don't want him to be an ass. I don't feel like time with his dad is always great for him...but he loves him and he should. He just needs to realize the way his dad acts is not how he should act or treat people.
You seem like a loving person. Focus on what you can control and live in the now is my best step mom advice.
DH should simply have a good
DH should simply have a good talk with his daughter,
Tell her, Sweety why are you not listening to mum? Simply listen to mum and respect her she is your mother then she will not get angry, unfortunately I know it's hard for you, but the judge decided that you have to stay with Mum and can visit me.... if you are good with mum life will be better..