DH head in the sand
He never sees when SD rolls her eyes or gives me attitude and she's just a little girl who hasn't been parented since he left!
SD rarely gives DH attitude and if she does, he puts her in her place, but he was right there yesterday when she rolled her eyes at me and "didn't see" it and apparently didn't hear me confront her when I told her that she isn't allowed to treat me that way because I don't roll my eyes at her.
This morning, I was saying bye to her and told her to close the door to her room or else the dogs will mess up her blinds to look outside as they have twice already. I told her I'll see her soon and to let me know is she's going to youth group tomorrow so I know if she needs a ride. She walks into the garage and I'm yelling after her to make sure she heard me. She keeps walking and was getting into the car and I am still calling after her. She continues to ignore me. I open the garage door and tell her it'd be nice for an acknowledgement and she said she "nodded her head". I obviously didn't see her and told her that it's polite to verbally let me know she heard me. No bye, see you later, nothing.
DH gets home and I say that he could at least back me up. "She was just tired" he says. I don't care! I bend over backwards for her and took her and her friend shopping on Saturday and to Target to spend her gift cards. I go in her room to get my handheld mirror I let them borrow and the handle was broken and the glass shattered. Her trashcan was overflowing and there's trash everywhere. I just closed the door behind me and let DH know her room is trashed.
I just can't anymore. Happy f-ing Monday.
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Comments
Stop bending over backwards
Stop bending over backwards for her. Stop trying to force her to interact.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
There was a time I could have written your post. I know how frustrating it is. It stinks, I know.
Are you rethinking pushing
Are you rethinking pushing your husband into pursuing more custody yet?
This is normal behavior for
This is normal behavior for her age.
If I were you, I’d save myself a lot of time, energy, and potential heartache by disengaging. It’s obvious your DH will always justify it. Let him be his own child’s proverbial whipping post.
So stop doing anything Never
So stop doing anything
Never lend her anything again
Charge dh for the broken mirror and let him replace it for you
I want to be nice to her and
I want to be nice to her and have fun with her and keep the bond we had when she was an innocent 5 year old. The rest of the weekend was nice and she thanked me for taking her and her friend to lunch so I wish she would just treat me with respect like I treat her. DH is definitely buying me a new mirror.
No child stays five years old
No child stays five years old forever. Not even a parent/child relationship remains exactly the same. Children hit pre-teen and teen years and the kid begins to test and feel their way through their own ideas and expressions. This age can be trying for mother/child who usually have been bonded since birth. It's going to be more difficult for a stepmother and child.
She definitely butts heads
She definitely butts heads with BM and SF and is usually good with us. She knows she is supposed to do as she's told but is just lazy. I had to tell her 3 times to put her laundry away on Saturday before her friend was allowed to come over. She did straighten up her room the first time she was told.
Yesterday, she was told to bathe twice and argued with DH about bedtime at 9:45 when it's 9 at BM's, so either way, she got to stay up later. She also knows that the rubberbands for her braces need to be put on before bed and I don't think it was done. DH just says "it's her mouth, she'll learn if her jaw is messed up". Wth?! Why pay for braces to not make sure your kid is maintaining them?!
Disengage from that too. It
Disengage from that too.
It was the hardest for me to let go of the hygiene. DH said something similar to me about the SDs brushing their teeth (when they were 9 and 10!)...OK then. I was done.
SD14 does not brush her teeth hardly ever. And yes, it's gross.
SD12 is not brushing her teeth like she used to, and it will get gross.
And I don't care.
I don't say word.
She is also breaking out on
She is also breaking out on her forehead really badly so I bought her a nice face wash for our house on Saturday. She didn't touch it all weekend.
I am trying to help her out, woman to young lady, and she is just so LAZY!
We have the same SD! She will
We have the same SD!
She will not use soap or special facial washes, period.
I think she washes her hair a couple times a week and that's it.
I stopped buying her facial wash over a year ago and she's never asked for more.
SD12 has had the same wash for over year, still has like 1/4 the bottle left.
I say nothing. And I don't buy more.
If either of them smell it's the only time I say anything. I will tell them to shower before we go anywhere (i.e. I won't be in a car with them unshowered) and I did insist SD12 shower the night before she had a public event because she looked absolutely greasy - but DH backed me up on that one.
It's on them if they want to be the gross smelly kid. It's fixable but they want to have to fix it since their parents don't care either.
I guess she'll just have to
I guess she'll just have to hear it from her friends or get made fun of to finally get it.
You have to choose whether
You have to choose whether you want to be friends with her or help be a parent to her.
Having a "nice and fun" relationship is a friendship. She isn't going to respect you as an authority figure when you're goal is to keep everything fun. She will roll her eyes at you because she rolls her eyes at her friends. She won't give you more than a head nod because that's how she acknowledges her friends.
I have a good relationship with my SSs without coddling them. We have fun, I buy them things, and we get along. However, I'm a parental figure. The minute they are disrespectful, there are consequences. I don't disengage when they disrespect me or my things; that's when I handle it the way I see fit. I don't care if they like me or not after. I don't care if we have fun ever again. If they want to be disrespectful, then they will learn there are serious consequences to those actions from ME.
Stop trying to be this girl's friend. Stop begging for her approval. She's going to be disrespectful and bratty, so don't cry about it and get angry and tell your DH to deal with it. Stand up like an adult and put her in her place. You aren't a teenager, so stop letting the mean girl hurt your feelings. Be the adult and take some action so she STOPS her crappy behavior.
I do demand respect and I am
I do demand respect and I am an authority figure but this weekend was just worse. I got a thank you for taking her out to lunch and for taking her and the friend shopping. She knows she has to listen to me and does what she's told but it's been taking 2-3 times to get results. That's not acceptable to me but I've just been letting DH step in.
I'm going through the same
I'm going through the same thing with my SS. Try to behave like a responsible guardian, treat them like your own but they behave distant.
I have stuck to my guns and tried to treat him as if he was my own. There are days he's good but days he's off but sticking with it I feel a year later they're mostly good and show you have good intentions.
There are days when I feel I want my own day and not see him . I'd say they have those days too. Maybe that day was hers
Yes I want a good
Yes I want a good relationship with her but I have feelings, too. It's hard to step back but I know pushing myself on her won't help either. We get along 98% of the time but I was just frustrated this morning and feel like I don't deserve to be ignored and get the eye roll when she's had fun all weekend. We just got her a cell phone and don't ask much of her but recently, it's always questioning and sassiness.
Sounds normal. However if
Sounds normal.
However if that questioning or sassiness turns mean or divisive then put a stop to it.
SD14 can be a huge beyotch and tires to disguise it by saying "I just have a mean sense of humor." I'm over it. No more nice Cover. I told DH I won't tolerate it and will smack her down verbally when she does this again if it's aimed at me.
SD is a smart kid but she
SD is a smart kid but she thinks she's smarter than she is and her ego is pretty big. If she sasses me for no reason, I will confront her and tell her that I did nothing to deserve that.
DH continues to blame BM not agreeing to at least 50% timesharing and she's just a kid. Well, yes, she's a "kid" but she isn't getting any younger and will be 18 before we know it. Ignoring bad behavior isn't doing his child any favors.
Pretty normal for a teen, but
Pretty normal for a teen, but after several requests for an answer and walking away, nope, I won't tolerate that. The SDs know I don't tolerate it and they will answer me, and I'll keep asking until they do, period. I have little issue with the behavior you describe. DH on the other hand gets it every time.
In your situation if the SD isn't responding and it's leading to the destruction of household items (been there too!) remove the household item. Remove those blinds. End of it. She doesn't help keep up the house then she gets those perks removed. If she needs some kind of 'shade' put up a sheet. I had to do this with BOTH SDs. For whatever reason they cannot seem to understand how to use blinds (DH too for that matter, but at least he hasn't destroyed them). I removed all the blinds, and told DH to put up sheets if they needed something because I wasn't going to replace them after multiple warnings and instructions.
In the house we purchased, I had the blinds removed from their rooms when we moved in and they got curtains.
As for the messy room: same issue here with SD14. I disengaged for a while, then it started to smell. I told DH he now lost ALL say in anything to do with SDs rooms (SD12 had an experiment going that rotted, so she's now included). Anything left not properly put away and/or dirty will be discarded when they leave. No mercy.
YOUR broken things: DH replaces. End of conversation.
The best part? A piece of the
The best part? A piece of the glass comes out and as she's saying goodnight, she says "glass came out of the mirror and I don't know where it is". DH told her she better find it and to go to bed. I'm assuming she just went to bed and there's a piece of glass somewhere in her room.
We've been in this house for over a year so keeping her door closed is nothing new. Her window looks at the street and the dogs love to look out when she leaves her door open. I can't punish my dogs because of her negligence. 12 is old enough to remember that by now.
YES! SD14 has lost needles
YES!
SD14 has lost needles and broken glass in her room. Along with pins.
I try to make sure her door is shut as much as possible so the cats don't get in there.
SD said my dog stepped on the
SD said my dog stepped on the mirror and broke the handle but didn't say he broke the glass. The mirror must've been on her bed or the floor for my dog to have stepped on it, so it obviously shouldn't have been there.
I kinda feel bad that she's so clueless but it isn't because of us. BM babies the crap out of her and has zero expectations of her then we have to be tough because she's used to being waited on instead of doing things on her own.
the old you: This morning, I
the old you: This morning, I was saying bye to her and told her to close the door to her room or else the dogs will mess up her blinds to look outside as they have twice already. I told her I'll see her soon and to let me know is she's going to youth group tomorrow so I know if she needs a ride. She walks into the garage and I'm yelling after her to make sure she heard me. She keeps walking and was getting into the car and I am still calling after her. She continues to ignore me. I open the garage door and tell her it'd be nice for an acknowledgement and she said she "nodded her head". I obviously didn't see her and told her that it's polite to verbally let me know she heard me
the new you: Bye SD
If the dogs trash her room, let DH deal with it. If she doesn't have a ride to church group tomorrow, let DH deal with it. Tell DH to tell her to keep her hands off of your stuff, because you're tired of your things being destroyed. If you don't interact with her, she won't need to roll her eyes. Take that little snots power to peeve you away ASAP.
Speak it, Daizy!!!
Speak it, Daizy!!!
I want to be like that but I
I want to be like that but I don't understand why she can't just do what she's told and respect me 100% of the time. Like I said, we get along 98% of the time and I just want what's best for her. It annoyed me more that DH claims to be oblivious to these two incidents when he was right there both times.
No human being can be
No human being can be respectful and polite 100% of the time, much less children who are still developing and trying to navigate the world around them.
If the issue is that you NEED her to always be respectful, you're playing a losing game. If you WANT her to be always be respectful, you'll learn that she'll falter and you'll have to correct her behavior.
You can't get this upset every time she rolls her eyes or doesn't listen to you. If it becomes a habit, you disengage. If it happens every once in a while, chew her out for it and stop doing nice things for her for a while. It does not need to be as complicated as you make it.
You're right. I just know
You're right. I just know that she could've done what was asked of her or acknowledged me with real words instead of being a brat about it and we wouldn't have had a problem.
honey, BS8 and I get along
honey, BS8 and I get along 98% of the time, but the other 2 percent I want to move him into an empty horse stall in the barn until he can quit with the smart mouth, crappy attitude and crappy faces... and he's MINE! I think that's a normal kid thing. If you are getting along with your SD 98% of the time you are doing 98% better than I ever did with my SD. Kudos!!
And if you get along with her 98% of the time, your DH probably isn't going to take huge notice to that 2% when she is rolling her eyes or ignoring you.
You are spot on with how DH
You are spot on with how DH reacts, I think. SD interacts with me a lot more because I talk to her more on her level and do a lot of "girl" things with her. I know she respects me but it's disheartening when I invest so much into her to be treated like I don't matter sometimes.