Long time no see
Hi everybody! I used to come here quite often but not for awhile.
My ss16 does not reside with us nor visit. It had been almost 18 months since dh had even spoken to him- I haven't spoken to him in 2 yrs and 7 months. Ss lives with inlaws whom we also don't speak to.
Anywho, ss has been busy since exiting our lives. He has two drug dealing charges (two separate incidents) possession charges, probation violations, etc etc He currently resides at a juvenile detention facility. Now, my inlaws nor ss have ever informed dh of any of these things- well I take that back they did talk to him about the first possession charge months after it occurred which would've been the last time he spoke to either of them. But we have found these things out thru my connections on my job I guess you could say.
So after years of silence from ss ( with the exception of an occasional random text telling dh to eff off or requests for very expensive items followed by an eff off text when dh didn't provide these) ss has made it clear he wants nothing to Do with dh- in fact his last words were a text about a 9 months ago in which said eff off- I'm done with you. Then he calls two weeks ago. After a 15 min phone call dh says to me- I want to forgive him. It's the Christian thing to do. I want to help him. He's ready to change. Well I call bs on the whole wanting to change thing, but whatever. I didn't say much of anything in response and went about my business. Later he comes to me to ask how he should go about reestablishing the relationship with ss. The excitement that is bubbling over is easy to see. I tell him I am the wrong person to ask and walk away. Then he brings it up a 3rd time- at this point I'm like, look, I get that he is your kid, your glad he called- but I don't feel the same. He just looked confused. I reviewed with him the sexually predatory behaviors toward me and my dd. certainly not the only seriously harmful things he did, but probably the biggest. He got very offended. He stomped off. Wouldn't talk to me for hours. I'm like wtf? The last thing I want is this kid anywhere near my life. When he called I felt like vomiting. When he first brought it up I said nothing that would be a buzzkill for dh. When he brought it up again, I simply said I am the wrong person to be asking advice from- but by the third time I was really wondering why he could not respect MY feelings. If I can respect that he wants to talk to someone that I feel sexually violated myself and my dd- why on earth can he not understand that I don't want to to actually assist him in pursuing this relationship?
The only thing I ended up asking from him is- I don't want him calling the home phone. I don't want dd to pick it up, he'll I don't want to answer it and he be on the other end, but yet at the same time I don't want to walk around not answering my phone.
Well last week, dh and I had another little argument about something unrelated. I freely admit I was upset about ss and my stress level was high. In this argument as we are talking things out, he throws in "and ss wrote me and I wrote him back!" Again this was not even anything to do with what we were talking about and I just did not even respond to it ( it almost felt like a challenge)
So then on Sunday afternoon, ss calls again on the home phone- dh is not home. I hear the answering machine pick up that it is a collect call from and then ss is on there saying his name. I have not heard his voice in almost 3 years and it did once indeed trigger me to almost vomit. I erased it off the machine. Then last night my sil was over and we were all just hanging out and she actually brought up ss while remembering when her dd was born. Which led dh to state- he called me today. ( I checked caller Id later and of course it was on the home phone). Then he launches into this whole discussion about ss's options which are essentially kiddie prison til age 18 or hopefully he can get into this 9 month boot camp program. He went on to share some sage advice he offered ss and then my dh and sil went on to have a 10 min discussion about the kid- while I sat there and looked at the table. My sil said he'd always been nice to her- which she hast seen the kid more than a couple of times in the last 7 years and does not even know 1/100th of what the kids done- but simply reinforces to dh that he's just a poor, misunderstood kid with a good heart.
I have another sleepless night and finally gather the nerve to tell him we need to talk about it. He went on to tell me he wants contact with him, but he's being cautious- I told him I see no evidence of that. Not that that even matters- all I really want is for him to understand my feelings and be sensitive to them. Like maybe not discussing him for 10 minutes in my presence? Like maybe not having him call the home phone like i asked? Well apparently u can't make collect calls to a cell phone. Which my response was maybe he shouldn't call at all then? Maybe you should just write. He just looked at me. He is not willing to tell his incarcerated, drug dealing, perverted, sexually predatory son to not call our home phone. He does not wish to upset him I guess. It doesn't matter that I am upset, that our dd may get one of those calls, or even my ds whom he physically and emotionally bullied for years. Wtf? I am not telling him not to speak to him, not to write him or have a relationship with him. I don't want that but I am not saying that or asking for that. It's not my fault he can't cell phones- which at least answers my questions on why he is calling dh. He has no one else to call! My inlaws have no home phone. None of his friends, which he really has none, would accept a collect call from him even if they did have home phones. His bm has no home phone. He literally has no one on the outside he can call but dh!
Sorry this is a book it's just soooo disappointing that I feel like dh and I have made all this progress over the years and in reality we are right back to the SOS, different day. Dh's and ss's feelings trump everyone else's. Soooo hurt and let down.
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Comments
That is a good idea. My SS'
That is a good idea. My SS' juvie home had a program that the person that wanted to receive calls could sign up for. DSO would pay, example $25, and then SS could call his cell phone when he wanted. When the time was low, DSO would get a message and he could call the number and add minutes.
Your DH could call the facility himself and ask what other options there are.
I would amend no. 3.
I would amend no. 3. Politely do not bring up SS around me ANYWHERE.
You got close. He grew the
You got close. He grew the pot in bm's home, but otherwise you are on point.
This is the same jailhouse talk that I hear all the time ( I work a lot with corrections). I have never spoke to somebody in jail that did not want to change. Ever. They all do. I mean the kid didn't want to change a month ago- why now.? I can already tell he's saying all the right things to suck dh in. Told dh that my bil ( he's the one that lives with mil) was basically to blame for the drugs- and for him not ever speaking to dh. Told dh that bil would be mad if he knew ss was talking to dh right now. Which of course makes him a victim and dh is ready to jump into his rescuer mode. Whatever- I just want no part of it.
He's not getting out for awhile it could be til he's 18- but at minimum it would probably close to the next year.
Or maybe he needs somewhere
Or maybe he needs somewhere to go to get released.
Let him have a relationship w
Let him have a relationship w drug boy but not in your home !!! He can talk to drug boy all he wants ~ not your circus not your monkey.
I do not allow my SD to cross my threshold ~ EVER !!! Not gonna happen in my life time. My children live her ~ they have no where else to go ~ no father's house to go to. I am responsible to protect my kids & I will NOT sacrifice my children for his daughter ~ she has no remorse or accountability for her actions.
He can contact her till he is blue in the face ~ he can eat , drink & be merry with her but ..... She is not welcome in my home.
I do not talk to him about his daughter ~ cause it always ends in a fight. She has bullied my daughter , brought drugs in my home ~ ( at the time I had a 5 year old ) , she has vandalized my home & my car. She has verbally assaulted me & my children.
The way I see it ~ I am nothing to her. She is nothing to me. A relationship takes two people not three. I refuse to have an adult like conversation about Veruca & her need for guidance. That's DF's job not mine ... But he must remember that I will not be be a part of it.
My fear for you is .... When jailbird gets out where is her going ??? Make that crystal fucking clear !!!
My guess is he'll go right
My guess is he'll go right back to inlaws or if he is 18 and off paper he might go live with his sister ( bm's daughter).
Either way I don't care as long as he stays away from me. Dh knows that I am adamant about the kid never coming here. I don't even want him in driveway.
Dh also told me that he had the gall to ask about me and the kids? Wtf? The last thing he said to me was a message he sent me last year accusing me of things I don't even know about and mouthing off to me. It was completely random. My kids hate him. I know hate is a strong word, but they really do. My 12 year just told my dh today that she hates all his family. He kinda started to get onto her, but then really couldn't say anything as the have not had any interest in her.
After reading your blog here
After reading your blog here and your post on my blog, I'm really interested in learning more about your situation. I'm worried that my underwear stealing ss is going to have a similar future. Was your stepson always acting up? My ss13 just woke up one day and decided to break rules and steal. He was a pretty good kid before that.
So there have always been
So there have always been some behavioral issues. I remember when my ds was maybe 1.5 and ss was 2.5. I walked in their room one day and ds was sitting on the floor crying while ss took his fist and was hitting him on the top of the head. I remember hi.m Screaming at my ds when he was 3 or 4 because I had told them to put on their jackets. He was screaming at ds to put his on but standing there without his. There were other odd things. A couple-perhaps 3 or 4 times he would poop in his pull-up at night and then wipe it all over the walls. When he was 5, he woke up one night and got up and literally destroyed my kitchen, and garage. I mean you could not even walk in my garage- things were thrown all over. Things spilled on the kitchen floor. He would also get up in the middle of the niight and take whole jars of peanut butter and scoop it out with his hand and then hide it under the bed. He was getting tons of food during the day so it didn't make sense. He was probably 5 when my babysitter I had had for 3 years came to me and said if things didn't change with ss she could no longer watch him. She had one of those little baby pools and my ds was in it- she turned her back for a minute and then found ss holding ds's head under the water. He also tied a rope around his neck and tried dragging him thru the yard. At age 5 he picked up a large butcher knife pointed it at my dd's neck- literally within an inch of her throat and told her he was going to kill her if she didn't chew with her mouth closed. At age 9 he came up with a detailed plan to murder my ds. Told me he was hearing voices telling him to do it- and Really felt he couldn't stop himself.
So , yeah, he has always had issues. Aside from this, people would describe him as an "odd" kid. Which he was just sort of strange.
He stole a lot, lied every day- began screaming at me and the other kids on a daily basis by age 6. And he liked underwear. I don't know if I mentioned but he was also stealing my ds's underwear at age 14. He was still wetting the bed nightly- large, large amounts of urine when he left here at 14. He would refuse to clean up after himself even at this age. I have always felt we were missing something. I've certainly considered the thought that he may have. Been sexually abused. Or that he has some sort of brain damage. Or some sort of severe food allergy- maybe even celiac disease as he ate incessantly. He was almost obsessive about food. I am talking I would be 2 boxes of pop tarts and he would eat the whole lot of them in one day- plus the meals he was getting plus snacks. And of course whole entire jars of pb-,the big jars overnight. Yet he remained extremely small- at 14 he could easily pass for 8. I do believe he has grown some but is still small for his age.
I recently saw pics that his half sis thru bm got taken for Xmas. Ss is wearing a short sleeve shirt and u can see the cut marks on his arms. Some seemed faded and old others looked nice and fresh.
I hope your ss does not turn out this way- but us be very diligent in watching him. Install a lock on your day, nnever leave your infant alone with him- niot even for a second.
So there have always been
So there have always been some behavioral issues. I remember when my ds was maybe 1.5 and ss was 2.5. I walked in their room one day and ds was sitting on the floor crying while ss took his fist and was hitting him on the top of the head. I remember hi.m Screaming at my ds when he was 3 or 4 because I had told them to put on their jackets. He was screaming at ds to put his on but standing there without his. There were other odd things. A couple-perhaps 3 or 4 times he would poop in his pull-up at night and then wipe it all over the walls. When he was 5, he woke up one night and got up and literally destroyed my kitchen, and garage. I mean you could not even walk in my garage- things were thrown all over. Things spilled on the kitchen floor. He would also get up in the middle of the niight and take whole jars of peanut butter and scoop it out with his hand and then hide it under the bed. He was getting tons of food during the day so it didn't make sense. He was probably 5 when my babysitter I had had for 3 years came to me and said if things didn't change with ss she could no longer watch him. She had one of those little baby pools and my ds was in it- she turned her back for a minute and then found ss holding ds's head under the water. He also tied a rope around his neck and tried dragging him thru the yard. At age 5 he picked up a large butcher knife pointed it at my dd's neck- literally within an inch of her throat and told her he was going to kill her if she didn't chew with her mouth closed. At age 9 he came up with a detailed plan to murder my ds. Told me he was hearing voices telling him to do it- and Really felt he couldn't stop himself.
So , yeah, he has always had issues. Aside from this, people would describe him as an "odd" kid. Which he was just sort of strange.
He stole a lot, lied every day- began screaming at me and the other kids on a daily basis by age 6. And he liked underwear. I don't know if I mentioned but he was also stealing my ds's underwear at age 14. He was still wetting the bed nightly- large, large amounts of urine when he left here at 14. He would refuse to clean up after himself even at this age. I have always felt we were missing something. I've certainly considered the thought that he may have. Been sexually abused. Or that he has some sort of brain damage. Or some sort of severe food allergy- maybe even celiac disease as he ate incessantly. He was almost obsessive about food. I am talking I would be 2 boxes of pop tarts and he would eat the whole lot of them in one day- plus the meals he was getting plus snacks. And of course whole entire jars of pb-,the big jars overnight. Yet he remained extremely small- at 14 he could easily pass for 8. I do believe he has grown some but is still small for his age.
I recently saw pics that his half sis thru bm got taken for Xmas. Ss is wearing a short sleeve shirt and u can see the cut marks on his arms. Some seemed faded and old others looked nice and fresh.
I hope your ss does not turn out this way- but us be very diligent in watching him. Install a lock on your day, nnever leave your infant alone with him- niot even for a second.
Hello, hismineandours! Long
Hello, hismineandours! Long time no see.
If I recall correctly, your disgusting ss stole lingerie from you & your daughter? And tried "snuggling" with her while camping? And made things so very hard for her at school? That kid is a threat to society & is exactly where he needs to be kept. Your ILs raised him to be a criminal. The lot of them made life Hell for you and your family for years, and you're boundaries seem reasonable, even sensible in view of his past behavior.
I'm sorry to hear your SO has backslid in such a huge way. How disappointing of him. Monster ss probably has no one else to use, so he thought he'd tap dear ole dad. It's inmate 101.
Stick to your guns, girl. Tell your SO that if he doesn't like it, he can live in that shed of his.
Dup
Dup
Nice to hear from you again.
Nice to hear from you again. Sorry that things are still going poorly with SS. I can't believe (well, after being on this site, yes I can) that your DH thinks that things can be all smoothed over now.