Bio Son
I hope someone else has had this problem and can help me in dealing w/ it. My boyfriend has 2 daughters (ages 7 and 10) that he adores and is a great father to. My own son's father is basically a derelict who doesn't pay his child support, has spent time in jail, and has the maturity level of a 16 year old. The only contact he has with his son is sporatic visitation, which is always prompted by my son saying he misses his dad and wants to see him (never his dad calling & asking for him). My last boyfriend of 3 years (who had no children of his own) really took an interest in my son's life and loved him like he was his own - and is still involved with him even today, and it has been nearly 2 years since our break-up. My current boyfriend interacts with my son on mostly a 'cosmetic' basis, but has never made an attempt to bond with him. When I expressed my concern over my boyfriend's behavior, he said he has no experience w/ boys and doesn't know how to 'act' around him. My son is almost 11 years old. I know relationships take time to develope, but I dont see my boyfriend actively doing anything to change the situation. Infact, he doesnt think there is a 'situation' to deal with. What can I do, if anything?
- Hesitant's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think its great that
I think its great that 'former BF' is still envolved with your son!! It's nice for him to have that male bonding. What does BF & son have in common. My guy raised two girls and is very involved with my girl...and my 11 yr old boy is his first 'son'.
My son isn't much into sports and my BF isn't much into video games but they love each other.
My BF started this thing a year or two ago..where he'll ask my son..if he 'wants to go to Canadian Tire with him'...and I'll play along and say..'I want to come too'. They'll tell me that "It's for "men" only! No girls allowed!!"
Then they'll sneak off to grab an ice-cream and 'hang out' just the two of them!! It makes him feel so special!
We don't act any different around the boy than the girl. Maybe it's not a boy thing so much as a step thing..he just knows it feels different to him. Unfortunately, You can't force-it.
Do the girls do 'boy' things? Like my girl likes to go fishing, and catch crabs & cohogs on the beach, (with perfectly painted nails & styled hair..mind you) so boy/girl activities are the same. Plan more things together as a group maybe at first. Most guys want a son to "build things with"..go fishings..play catch or sports etc....maybe you can find, (discretly) something they enjoy..(that the girls don't)...so they can build things from that.
Different
My son is 'different'...he doesnt like sports or fishing but likes video games. We dont own a Playstation but his bio dad does and thats where he plays (at his house). The video games is a perfect example: My boyfriend has a Playstation at his house (we do not live together and due to the circumstances of his divorce, we have not been able to have our kids together much). I suggested he bring the Playstation to my house so he and my son could play together. My boyfriend said he doesnt have a memory card for the game and if he unplugs it he will lose where he's at on the game and his daughter would be mad! I was devastated. I said his daughter would get over it, still he refused. The longer I'm with my boyfriend the more my concern grows!
Hesitant
My boyfriend said he doesn’t have a memory card for the game and if he unplugs it he will lose where he's at on the game and his daughter would be mad! I was devastated. I said his daughter would get over it, still he refused.
Maybe it is b/c of my videogame knowledge…but if someone unplugged my game and I lost all the hours I’d put into it…I’d be mad too! I think saying that she would “get over it” is asking him to be indifferent to his daughter’s feelings for the sake of your son, which he will probably NEVER do! I think that a lot of the problem may be perspective…have you ever tried to schedule an activity for you all to attend….i.e. check the newspaper for events and see when there is a car show, go ice skating, etc…heck…see when the new version of his favorite video game comes out and go to Wal-Mart to the electronics section…they can both test the game out for free at Wal-Mart…play against each other while you walk around and pick up a few things that you need…I think it would help if you got creative and “steered” him a little bit…since boys aren’t his forte…build them a bridge…
Make a GREAT Day!
Point Taken
Thanks Nise, I do see your point...and I would agree, but the sad part is, his daughter isnt the one who plays the game, she just watches my Boyfriend play it! So I dont see the big deal about starting over, but I'm not into video games, so I may never see it!
The few activities we have done together (just the 3 of us) have been fine, I just don't see my boyfriend having any incentive to 'do' anything on his own to try to connect with my son on any level. It is very disconcerting...I have actively tried to find things that interest his girls, because since I know I cant replace their mother (and wouldnt want to) I at least want to have more than a superficial relationship with them.
Hesitant
If the problem is a 'memory card'......can you buy one? My son has PS2 and xbox...and all kinds of 'gear'....but I haven't bought a stick of it.
(I have no clue on what something like that costs. My X will snatch 'son' up right after birthday or grading etc...and rush him right out to buy this 'stuff' with his gift money...leaving me to be the bad guy who has to 'police it'..another issue.)
Whatever the price..it might be worth it as a step to bring them some common ground and to have fun together...and begin feeling comfortable.
Mine isn't a huge sports fan either. Theres not much besides video games..that my son is really interested in, but we try. He likes playing tennis, Monster trucks, hiking somewhat, and neat things kind of science related..like Mythbusters..or books about Mummies..or that rc battling robot show..that used to be on... He and X are building rc model airplanes... That's a neat thing that they share....
Use your imagination... But don't force it on them. Work behind the scenes. Find out things your BF enjoyed as a boy..or did with his Dad..or his brothers. (Maybe he didn't do anything & that's what's givng him trouble) Find out what he liked before he was married or had kids. Provide the opportunities for them to interact & eventually bond... Just a few suggestions..What do you think?
The bottom line
I have looked into memory cards on eBay, and will probably buy one there, used. I guess I want my son to feel as special to my boyfriend as my boyfriend's daughters feel about their daddy. Because of my own son's father failing as his 'real' parent and my ex-boyfriend not even being in the picture anymore, I have huge guilt issues with my son. I want him to have a positive male role model and male influence, and I wanted that to be from my boyfriend! I know my boyfriend will never love my son the way he loves his own children, but I did hope he would show more interest than he has so far. My boyfriend doesnt have any brothers and says proudly how he 'was raised by his mom and sister'...his own dad wasn't around much (he worked a lot and remarried 2 and 3 times after divorcing my boyfriend's mother).
Maybe I just worry a lot....and it will happen...eventually?
Well you know what.....it
Well you know what.....it sounds like BF really hasn't had much experience interacting/bonding with other males!! I really don't think he knows how to do it!!! He hasn't had a role model to show him.......so It'll have to be you!! Just make sure your son knows that its not HIM or anything HE's doing or has done.....that's so important that he doesn' think he's done something wrong or that he isn't worthy of a 'Dad' (or Dad figure)....
I don't blame you for wanting that so much for your son... but BF may not be the one able to provide that to him, based on his own life experiences....
Maybe you can 'teach BF' how to bond/interact (emotionally etc) with another male....
After seeing some of the emotional wounds my BF has and how it affects him & us...with the help of counselling. I wonder if you could 'teach' or 'help' your BF with his male bonding skills without offending or stirring up old hurts etc within him.
I'm assuming he has issues..with his own Dad not being around....and because he doesn't think there is a 'situation' to deal with regarding your son. I don't think he gets the connection between not knowing how to act with boys and his own lack of male interaction growing up.
I'm making alot of assumptions here...forgive me. But it's amazing how baggage you think is long buried/forgotten/dealt with can crop up and affect everyday life....once I understood that with hubby & I...huge change in how we relate to each other!!
I wonder if that's what's going on here.....
Nail on the Head
There's no doubt my BF has some baggage due to his own relationship w/ his father. But you're right, I dont know if I can show him anything without stepping on his toes...
To Hesitant...
How long have you been w/your BF? I have a stepson and been w/my husband for 6 yrs now. I still have trouble bonding w/this child and he is 10 yrs old. It was very difficult for me to accept being a stepmother and I didnt' know how to bond w/this child too. It's taking me some time to do so. I know I could never be close to him like his mother. I had difficult time dealing with having his mother in our lives. It will take some time for your BF to bond w/him or to allow himself to get close to him. He might not want to right now but in time he will see it. Give him space and he'll come around hopefully. Or maybe you can have your son talk and get involved with your BF together. Like suggest to go get ice cream and a movie just the two of them, then maybe they can start a conversation. Wish you well.
-happy mom
No bonding here either
Like Happy mom, I too can not seem to bond with BF's 10 year old. I have been with him since she was 3 years old and it still seems like we are strangers. BM has poisoned her daughter's mind against me which does not help matters and probably never will bond with her because of her mother. The BM pissed me off so badly by saying things about me to her daughter. She had her daughter call BF crying saying that I take all of his time away from her which is the total opposite. This is what BM put into the kids head. I sent BM an email and told her exactly what I thought of her. BM had the nerve to read that letter to her then 9 year old child. It did not help the bonding process and I do not think we will ever bond because the child knows I despise her mother. I have tried so many times ex:baking with her, making a gingerbread house with her, playing games with her etc...when she sees me she walks right pass me. Her father always has to tell her to say hello and goodbye to me. Not a very good situation at all.
i too at times i feel like
i too at times i feel like ss is distant from me, its always after he's been to his mother's house. like she bad mouths me or something and then ss ignores me when he sees me. i know how you feel, ss does not say hi to me too or goodbye.
-happy mom
What?!?!?
Wait a minute... um... your BF is um, a male right? Then how is it he "has no experience w/ boys and doesn't know how to 'act' around him"? Um... sorry, but whenever I hear things like that I totally think that is a coup out if you ask me. (Not intended to be directed at you personally.) Okay, so he didn't have a male around growing up, but didn't he have some buddies around? Eventually, he had to learn how to be a man somewhere.
Just curious, but why did you break up with the XBF? Seems that he's still willing to 'hang around' being attached to your son- might be more to it than that? Just curious.
I don't want to sound pestimistic but your post and reading a few of your responses, doesn't leave me with a good feeling about this. Somehow I feel like perhaps you're trying to make a relationship fit to what you need/want? I could be totally off base- totally!! I just have soo often seen/heard women close around me trying desperately to make their 'relationship' fit, always in denial and then get upset when things don't pan out. I just don't want this to be the case.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I may be way off base here, and so be it! lol... It could just be like as some of the others have said, time & patients. Lovin-Life had some good advice to follow. But, ultimately, you can't force anything, but you certainly can encourage it!
Also, just because your BF's D isn't playing the game, the mere fact that they are sitting together spending time is enough. Trust me on that. The memory card isn't going to fix anything either- instead, get them out of the house and interact with each other. Just because you're outside, doesn't mean you 'play sports', instead, go to any parks or hiking trails that you have around. Visit historical places or visitas. How about muesums, festivals or science fairs around? Car shows? Check your local paper, or look online at CitySearch.com see what's around you. I'm sure there is something to 'tap into'.
Maybe you all should play board games instead. In my house, we play ALOT of scrabble, dominos, monopoly, Uno and charades in my house. I used to HATE playing these games, and my SS HATED to play anything that made him think or do math! lol. But now, we all love it! It's total family time, and all the barriers break down when you're having fun. At first, don't expect it to go smoothly, but as long as you keep it up, on a consistant pattern, at least one day/night per week (lable a day "Family Day") eventually, the bonding starts.
Some great ideas were given, so I hope this will work it's self out. And there is a flip side that some people really don't know how to interact with children and for that, you have to get them to revert back to when they were children- they need to be a child for a day, and play with each other.