Need advice..sorry it's long
So yesterday was DH and my anniversary. We posted on fb...so last night BM decided to make it her mission to go way over the top and ruin it. here's the setting..she has first right of refusal which DH tries to follow the rules, however she NEVER does and when I say never I mean that any RULE applied to joint legal custody she breaks..like changing daycares, making doctor apts and having mil who we do not speak to take ss5, made specific arrangements with mil to pick ss up everyday from babysitter on her days thus meaning she doesn't give DH first right anyday.
Anyway, so Wed and Thurs are DH days to pick up ss. Wed we had terrible storm and he was broke down on the road so called me to ask if I would get ss5 because babysitters sons baby was being born and she wanted to leave. mind you this is 4:30 his old daycare gave until 6 for pick up hence why he didn't agree on this lady. Anyway, I said yes and did. Yesterday he worked out of town and wouldn't be able to get ss so called said babysitter is leaving ss with her 17 year old daughter to go see new baby and need to get him soon..this again is 4:30 so I left work at 5 to get him. DH was home by 6.
Since 4:30 BM begins her usual texting calling "do you have him" questions. He has had him on his days everytime for two years yet every week on his days she does this to which he ignored her. over 30 calls and texts in 4 hours, of which she threatens to bring police over because now for some reason she fears for his saftey. He was sitting in garage helping DH work on his car. So finally we had ss call BM to assure her is saftey isn't threatened..he talked baby then said "ok I'll talk to you later" hung up. Then she texts and calls still saying somethig is up that we hung up mid sentence and on and on and on and on. At this point ss5 is crying saying he wants mommy..wow really. So DH says he'll take him him..Ya she's out with friends..DH texts her saying what condition she's put ss in and yelling saying she can't leave shit alone and causes this crap. Moving up an hour now 9:30 I tell DH to go for quick ride to calm down, I text her say he's getting bath, and going to bed clearly her fear for his safety is over since she didn't reply about getting him only to say drop him off at MIL. So she texts saying she's outside, to which DH pulls up. She makes a scene ss gets upset again (who is now in bed) and sends more threatening texts about how I was texting her and he's going to court blah blah blah.
So DH broke text her and said he'd give sole custody to her if she'd meet 3 demands
1. set unchanging cs 2. only responsible for cs nothing above (this is because we aren't allowed to take him to ANY dr without her there even though she does it to DH and he's never even been to dentist) and 3. he will get him every othe weekend Fri- Sun and there is no communication or firt right of refusal crap.
She didn't reply....I'm sure her head is saying what less money!!!
Sorry so long but what or how have you handle similar situations?
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I agree with Sap. They could
I agree with Sap. They could make an "agreement" in the CS, but the enforcement agency can always change that, or heck, she could easily ask CS to be looked at & amended to, at any time. So, really any agreement they come up with won't stick.
My advice would be to do what we did with BM in our case. She was calling, texting & emailing my DH (and me too) all day, every day!! It got old real quick. I looked up on Google one day out of frustration, something like "how to co-parent in a high conflict situation" and got several articles that came up. I read thru them, then I forwarded it to DH via email to read. He read it, totally agreed to its method, and he sent it to BMs email. Of course she got pissed as hell, but ya know what? It worked & is still working for us till this day!!!!!!! I'll share the "jist" of it below :
1. ALL phone calls from BM now go to voicemail ONLY. DH can then listen to it, and ONLY if it's urgent (& ONLY about the child...not about child supp or anything) then HE only will call her back (no more communication with you or any family/friends of his).
2. ALL communication is done via email ONLY!!! This is a biggie here. If she called or texted him & he needs to respond to her, it's ALL via email now. No ands ifs or buts!!!! If it's non urgent (like child supp, future drop offs or pick ups. Etc).
This also saves your butts because now its documented communication!!!!
3. NO more texts!!!! Period!!! & block her from sending you & DH from receiving texts. See #1 above & #2 for what you do instead. This totally saved my marriage!!!!!!! If she texts you, and you want to reply, do so via email. BUT, for awhile we had to totally ignore her antics-- and trust me, it was at times hard to do. So that's why I'd recommend you block her from texting you!!!
NO Texting her either. If you want to abide by this, then you must follow 1 & 2 above yourselves.
4. Keep EVERYTHING you send to get (via email of course) VERY business-like!!!!!! Take emotions out of your communications with you guys. This is hard as well, but soo worth it!!! Again, let Her look crazy, not you guys! If your email is about pick ups, say something simple, like, "we will meet you at xyz parking lot at xyz time & day. That's it, no emotion, just straight to the point.
I promise you, if you do this method she will eventually stop her crap!!! She might be pissy at first (&you must convey to her, via email, that you are deciding to do the above to end everyone's stress, she will quit & move on from harassing you guys, because you take HER audience away from her. She will quit trying to be in Your heads when she realizes that "crazy" doesn't look good in the forms of email & voicemails. You'd have proof now.
I hope this helps you & your DH!!! DON'T give up time with his kid to just appease that woman!! Just start to make YOUR lives less & less drama filled!!
thank you so much. where did
thank you so much. where did you find the articles? I'd love to have copies. This has all been so new to me. My ex's and I have had our issues but nothing on this level. I really just want us to figure out what works best for our family to get through it.
I'll have to look back thru
I'll have to look back thru some emails to find it. Give me a little bit of time & Ill try to post it. You could probably look thru a search engine to find " parallel parenting" and why it works in high conflict situations. I'll let you know if I find it.
I promise you that it totally worked for us!!! It helped with my anxiety too. I used to literally cringe when DHs phone would ring or that sound when he got a new text message **shudder**. My ex & I work very very well together to parent our daughter & neither of us acted crazy like DH & BM do!! I wasn't prepared or used to all that, and the stress was unbearable at times dealing with BMs antics. The lady is nuts!!!
DH & I also went to pre marital counseling before we got married & she also suggested the method I explained to you. She also tried to tell my DH that I'd eventually have enough of all that drama & that he needed to put BM in her place. So, after all the insane drama that woman put us thru before & during our wedding day, I had had enough!! So we put into place our plan above to stop her. Honestly, I really do think that had we not done that , I might not be with DH. It was consuming us. Please don't let her consume you guys either!! It's a great way to protect your marriage & your sanity!!!!
Can you just chose to
Can you just chose to parallel parent or does it have to be court ordered? I did read some articles on that and it sounded exactly like what we want.
Nope, you don't have to
Nope, you don't have to change anything in the court order to be able to parallel parent. It's just a term used to describe how you prefer to co parent effectively since there is so much conflict.
I wish I could find that article easily for you. But sadly she was email war lady a year ago when we implemented it. But it did work. I'll keep going thru the sea of emails & hope to find it for you!
Parellel parenting is just a term used to help you be a better co parent to your child/step kids. It's much better on the kids. Kids don't do good when the parents are always at war or fighting. The see, hear & feel it. This is a way to end the needless bickering & fighting somes exes do.
It truly works.
I started a draft to email
I started a draft to email her outlining the new rules. Sitting down with DH tonight to finalize and send. Fingers crossed.
we did the same...we didnt
we did the same...we didnt draft an email to bm about it we just did it. She cant fight with herself. She eventually complied, but all her letters and/or voicemails are still very emotional....that is annoying. I just wonder how the court is going to react to our business like attitude? Anyone have experience with that?
We never communicated with BM
We never communicated with BM that DH was going NO CONTACT with her....or at least LIMITED CONTACT. When the ex is bat shit crazy & highly confrontational, there's no other way! Because contact is their opportunity to engage & start a fight, and fighting is like their drug.
No contact = no fighting.
So then if you didn't sent an
So then if you didn't sent an email with new contact info how did she know to send emails or voicemails no text? I just listed that contact will be via email, voicemail, or regular mail. That any form of contact containing slander or threats will be disregarded and that the only replies will be for emergency or of high importantce. That no replies will be given on asking if DH has him on his days as that's a given.
Those of you that have started or have been doing this did you put BM on notice or just started doing it on your own?
ours is 99.9% her leaving
ours is 99.9% her leaving rambling bitching voicemails and us sending correspondance via certified mail.u
We personally did the email
We personally did the email to her outlining the changes. Our BM was contacting us all night & day. She's nutso, so unless we had outlined it all to her, nothing would change.
The courts here were totally ok with it. We just explained that him & BM would always get into heated exchanges & that it wasn't good for the kids. So, we changed to this plan, and it worked. Kids were happier & BM wasn't causing as many problems.
I think explaining to her is really your only route. Yes. She will be batshit crazy at first. Your taking away her feeling of controlling you guys. But. It will stop! If you do the method & stick to it. It works.
Hope that helps.