I love my H, but I just dont feel the same anymore. Ive been going back and forth for a while now anyway, you can definitely see it in my previous blogs. H was leaving for work and he said something about seeing me on his lunch break, which mind you is 3 am and I kind of was like your going to wake me up if you do and he left in a huff after that and i felt bad for how I said it, I shouldnt of, but my mom was standing right there when I said it (we live with her right now) and she was like stunned and said you shouldnt of said it. and I said well its bad but I feel like i want to sleep more than see him. She knows that we have been having problems, she has heard/seen some of our exchanges to each other.

and I let it slip to her that I didnt think i was in love with him anymore. She said a few minutes later, how can you stand it? How can you stand to say something like that? and it just made me cry. because I do feel bad. I do think he loves me more than I love him. I love him, but not in the way he loves me. but we talked for a while and she does think we dont belong together, she sees it as well. and I honestly think H sees it, but he wont want to admit it because of something that is failed. He will blame me, which maybe so, but not everything is my fault. we will have been married for a year at the end of may. and it sucks because I KNOW MY MARRIAGE IS OVER. How am I supposed to say it to my husband? He is not financially stable as I, and wont really have a place to go here. He really should go back to his hometown to be with his family and closer to sd. his job, he can transfer to there. I feel guilty about that. but like my mom said, HES A GROWN MAN. I still feel bad though. and we just recently transferred his credit card balance to my card that has no interest for a year. but you know, I dont mind paying it off, i dont know if its from guilt, but i dont mind if its to keep things easy. I feel bad because he just started his first semester of college and might drop out because of student loans (doesnt have to pay back till he graduates, but hes always worried about $)

I KNOW WE WILL NOT WORK OUT. There is no hope, no marriage counselor will work, I wish it could go back to when we first met, but it never will. Things have happened that have changed things. and he is a different person than he used to be, whether he would admit it or not (and he most likely wouldn't) My mom has heard H's side on some things, she said to him "why cant you just LOVE her?" as in he has too many expectations, if they are not met, he takes it out on me. He gets upset over the littlest thing if it doesnt go his way. I am just not like that. I did just LOVE him, I did. faults and all. and I think he used to just love me, but not anymore. Nothing is the same. and nothing will ever be either. we should not have gotten married and I regret it, and I regret having my mom meet sd, because sd calls her grandma and they love each other very much.

I am scared though, how am I supposed to talk to him about it? He has a quick temper. My mom said to when I do talk to him about it, to make sure she is there. But he has a gun. Not that I think he would use it against me, but if your really upset your lack of judgement can get the best of you. He has said before that he would never go to jail again over a woman because he would lose time with his child. but then he also has said some things about killing himself if he ever did something like that, even after I pointed out that sd would miss out on her dad if he did that. I am getting kind of scared now about talking to him. I dont know. If you pray, pray for my situation if you would, or send good thoughts my way, something... I'll need everything I can get....