For those full time SM's Do you find yourself...
Doing things to prove that you are a better parent than the BM? This is for SM's that have a good relationship with Skid and doesn't need to disengage.
For example I just found myself volunteering at SD16 Homecoming breakfast on Saturday morning starting at 7:30. I don't want to do this. I want to stay in bed and drink coffee and watch my DVR's of Jimmy Fallon. However, I find myself doing it because I am trying to
subconsciously prove to SD16 that I am a better parent. I know that I will never replace BM and I really don't want to. I just want to prove to SD16 that we are normal parents that do what we are supposed to with our kids.
When SD16 lived with BM her meals would include pop tarts and micro meals eaten be herself on the couch or in her room. Now that she is living with us I make a point of sitting down to a full meal every night. DH works evenings so it is just DD6, SD16, me and our puppy. I would make meals if it was just DD6 and I but maybe not as fancy or complete.
DH and I both are active with keeping up with her grades and homework something that BM never did. I also try to make sure I am setting a good example even when I really just want to lie on the couch and eat Nutella from the jar.
Maybe its competitiveness with BM or maybe I am tired of listening to SD16 talk about how cool her BM is every other weekend. She a kid who gets it and is appreciative of all that we do for her so why am I like this?
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Yes...I do this all the time,
Yes...I do this all the time, and I hate that I care
I'm constantly trying to prove (to who I don't know, myself, DH, BM, skids???) that I am a better mother to my skids than their BM, knowing full well that she will always be more important to them than I am.
On the rare occasion BM does do something good it frustrates me, but I know it's good for the kids...the never ending circle in my head is terrible and effects me way too much.
If anyone has any advice on how to just get over it I will gladly listen!!!
It's obvious that I am not
It's obvious that I am not her Mom.
The only example of a Mom that SD16 had was someone who put herself and her comforts before her children. A mother that decided it was more important for her live off of CS and the government all the while treating her oldest as her BFF. SD16 learned by the time she was 5 what an illegitimate child was because that is what BM called her new brother. Her Mom makes no move to improve her life or the lives of her children. To her the world owes her for a crap childhood and a 1st husband (my DH) that couldn't take her mental health issues anymore.
I believe in cycles and I want to break the cycle for SD16 so she becomes a productive independent women that "don't need no man" to support her.
Yes, diagnosed, medicated
Yes, diagnosed, medicated with weekly therapy appointments. I know a lot of people with similar mental health issues as BM and lead productive beneficials lives. My BFF is one of them.
No, she started having an
No, she started having an affair with another man. The mental health issues were something he couldn't deal with anymore. He explained it to me that no matter how many times they went for counseling or he begged her to get help she would blame him for all of her issues. She was forced to get help when she threatened to kill herself a few years ago.
I agree, I tried to not
I agree, I tried to not really be the better parent but a better influence. But after hearing all the mommy garbage, I gave up. There really is no point.
I think subconsciously I did
I think subconsciously I did this for many years. I don't feel I was competing with the BM, because after all, there is no comparison at ALL. However, I did want the Skids to SEE that there was a RIGHT way to parent and the way their mom was doing it was all WRONG.
Eventually I stopped giving a shit because at the end of the day, she could do no wrong and it just took too much energy.
I like your post. You are
I like your post. You are honest. I'm certain that many of us have these hidden motivations whether we speak of them or not.
For instance, unless you were the very first girlfriend EVER for your SO, you probably listened intently to his/her description of the previous and try to be better, to do better than X. I think it's human nature.
That said, you really don't have anything to prove. You are a great mom and step without trying so hard. Honor your own time as well so you don't burn out.
full-timer, also, here. i
full-timer, also, here. i have what i consider a great relationship with two older ss's, but i am disengaged on select subjects for other reasons (namely DH and his choosing to not teach/hold responsible for age-appropriate tasks).
i've never had the desire to compete, with Dumbass there's not much to compete against. i will attend events if/when i feel like it. as far as things at home, i dont 'out-do', i just do 'normal' for this household. i cant prove i'm better, i just do 'me'.
i think u're doing it for not exactly the right reasons (juuust my opinion), however i applaud your desire to set a better example for her tho'. it's a good way of being to expose her to, maybe some of it will be absorbed by her, maybe not.
In my mind, SD lives with us
In my mind, SD lives with us full time bc BM lost her so I don't feel I need to do anything.
I'm not the parent, but I work for a state agency, own my house and have never been in trouble with the law. They looked at me too when deciding if SD could live with her Dad so I already know I am better than BM.