I walk in the door and within five minutes, I'm getting the irritated, angry voice and pissed off attitude from DH. Why? Because after replying "Hi, my day was LONG" to his greeting, I asked "Did you do BS7's therapy with him?" (We had discussed that DH would do it with my son as I was going to be gone and BS was to go to his BF's house who is NOT involved in the therapy...he's much too busy for such a commitment...and DH, bless his heart, WANTS to be involved, INSISTS on being involved, because "he's my kid too, I love him, and I don't want to see him struggle anymore than you do hanging". Well DH works night shift, and OSS had a counseling appt. DH overslept and didn't get up early enough to do the therapy and he brought BS to BF's house.) DH responded, "No I didn't. I'm sorry. I got up late and didn't think you wanted me to leave DS with YSS alone (even though YSS is 12) while I took OSS to his counseling." I respond, "Oh okay, so he didn't do it today, I'll just have to run to BF's and get him and do it and bring him back. That's fine. He just needs to do it" This therapy requires a 200 mile round trip visit weekly, and home therapy five days a week. BS just started it and it is imperative he follows the schedule set up with the therapist. I wasn't upset, or mad, or disappointed even, just asking if it was done, and saying okay well, I'll go get him and we will do it and bring him back. The therapy takes 20-30 mins depending on how cooperative BS is.

DH gets pissy. "I'm SORRY!!! I FUCKED UP!! I didn't do it and I fucked it up, SORRY!! I was tired from work and I accidentally overslept!! I don't do anything fucking right!!! I GET IT!!!" I just looked at him and said, "No one is mad, upset, and you don't need to apologize. You didn't get a chance to do it, and that's fine, I will just go get him and take care of it. Can you please drop the attitude and anger...no one said you did anything wrong." I leave to get my son and bring him back. Run through his therapy, and drop him back off at his BF's house. Hate that my ex just moved in 6 blocks away, but I guess at times there is a benefit to it over the 40 mile round trip it used to be.

When I get home, DH asks me to talk with him outside (SSs in the house...we do our best to not discuss adult topics in front of the kids/skids...not always successful but we try.), so we go in the garage and DH says,"I'm sorry I didn't do BS's therapy. I messed up and I'm sorry. I'm upset because you are mad at me about it and I didn't mean to mess it up, I got angry and I shouldn't have, but I was angry that you were angry with me" My response, "No one was angry with you. I simply asked a question and said no big deal it can get taken care now. Have you ever wondered why you automatically get mad and angry and jump to the conclusion that you fucked up and someone is angry at you because of something you may not have done or something you did that you're questioned about? I was never angry, upset or disappointed. It happens. This therapy is new for us and it is a commitment and it's going to take a bit of ironing out schematics in order to make it a regular part of our routine. Would you like to talk about what is really bothering you? What the issue behind your frustration and irritability really is?" HEre's the convo:

DH: "I'm upset that you blame everything on my mother. That you called her a psychotic bitch and always blame her for everything. You constantly tell me what a bitch she is or how it's her fault when something isn't right in this house"

Me: "DH, I haven't said a word about your mother, nor brought her up in a very long time until after her performance on Sunday. She is a psychotic, miserable, manipulative bitch who tries to cause drama and problems."

He got angry and started to walk away...I continued: "DH, stop please and listen to me. You talk and discuss all the time that my father is an alcoholic and a drunk. You talk about the things he does that cause issues with my mother, or things he says that are not right, or the influence it can have on our home because my mother calls upset, or shows up to sleep her, or how it affects us when we spend time with him because he may get belligerent or argumentative. You say these things, and I don't angry with you. My father is an alcoholic. My father is all of what you say he is. I OWN that, I accept that, and I agree with you, he is. But that is my father, NOT ME. That is HIS cross to bear, not MINE. The same applies with your mother. She is psychotic and crazy and causes problems. That is HER...NOT YOU. You know she does this, you need to accept and acknowledge it. That is her cross to bear. I know she is your mother, and you love her, because she is your mother, but loving her doesn't change what she is, no more than loving my father changes what he is. She does affect us. When I say it is because of your mother, it is because she has done something like this that affects you and in turn affects me, our marriage, and our family. You were happy, carefree, relaxed and your old self and then Sunday your mother pulls this stunt and since you haven't been the same. I know she hurt you with what she said, and it kills me to see you hurt. But I want you to listen to me. I want you to look at me and hear what I am saying. YOU are NONE of those things your mother said. You are NOT worthless. You are NOT a bad parent. You are NOT a fuck up. You are NOTHING that your mother said. You are my husband, and I love you, and I promised to spend my life with you and raise a family with you. I would not have accepted and promised to do that if you were ANY of the things your mother said you were. The father and family oriented man that you are is what attracted me to you in the first place. I would not be with you if you were any of those things. I am your WIFE. Believe ME. Don't let her pound that shit into your head. Don't let her beat you up like that. Don't let her do that to YOU. We have had a tense week and stupid fights about such minor things this week, and that is due to you internalizing everything she said and fighting with in yourself. So yes...your mother is to blame...because her actions are what lit the spark of this fire. You need to shelter yourself. You need to shut her down. When I say we need to protect our family from her this is what I am talking about. These things she says to you cause turmoil in you, and you struggle and are down on yourself and immediately feel like everyone is criticizing you and saying you fucked up, when no one is telling you that but her. She could have had a wonderful relationship with us and our children, but like the saying goes misery loves company and we are happy and she no longer has control over you because you have a wife and a family. We are happy and do our best to avoid drama and unnecessary conflict. She needs that. She wants that. That's why she is so buddy buddy with your ex wife now, because your ex wife also feeds off the drama and conflict. Without that in their lives, what do they have? Your mother is the impetus to issues that occur, between us, with OSS, with your exwife. She talks poorly of you to you, your ex wife, YOUR son. She tried with me many times, when we were still on speaking terms, I didn't take the bait. I instead responded with all the wonderful things you ARE. I don't know why she does this DH, but she does. Don't let her do this to you, don't let her ruin your happiness. This is why I say she is the problem the majority of the time. Can't you see that?"

DH looked away from me a couple times while I was talking, I think to avoid crying. I will never tell DH I hate his mother, but I will tell all of you... I HATE THAT WOMAN!!! That bitch hurts the people who love her because she wants no one to be happy. She lost was divorced (from an abusive man), married DH's father who died unexpectedly at 45 yrs old, and went on to have 3 more failed marriages. I honestly think she doesn't want DH to be happy. Although DH's wife is crazy also, and very much like MIL (hmmm...coincidence?) I have to wonder if my MIL didn't flame the crazy fire of the exW intentionally during their marriage. I can't stand the sight of my MIL. And I'm probably going to hell for saying this, but I don't think she will ever change and our only true relief from her will be when she passes. I feel awful for saying that, but I'm beginning to feel like that is the only way we will ever get away from her hurtful ways...unless I can somehow convince DH we need to move a few states away and visit once a year only.