One year Anniversary this weekend...making me contemplate
So DH and I will be celebrating our first year of marriage this weekend. Initially we had plans for a weekend trip, however due to some things that have come up it's just not financially responsible to do so (thanks BM), but we're going to at least still go for one night.
Anyway...this got me thinking...one year of marriage...and we're in counseling. SS is in counseling (thankfully...he certainly needs it!!). We go to counseling to discuss parenting issues, issues caused by OSS and the tension it puts on our relationship and marriage. Many of the things we disagree about that cause this (school, homework, lying, respect, etc) are things that DH and I discussed PRIOR to getting married and moving in together. It was things that I knew needed to be addressed and thought we had. But in the past year, OSS has caused almost non stop stress and drama in my home and marriage. And through OSS, MIL and BM have caused stress and drama in my home.
It makes me sad in a way that in less than a year, it became necessary for us to start couples counseling, but another part of me thinks, "well at least this time around you recognized the signs that would cause resentment in your family and acted quickly" instead of trying to work through it on our own, ignore it, hope it would get better like I did in my last marriage. I saw the signs of what can deteriorate a marriage, intimacy and closeness between partners and didn't want to wait "until it was too late". I love my DH. I love him with all my heart. I know he loves me too. But...he's damaged. I mean really, that's what it comes down to...he's damaged. By his mother and her years of emotional and verbal abuse and put downs, of eing told he's never good enough, of being manipulated into feeling he needs to be her support, etc. And he's damaged by the abandonment from BM on him and his sons. He will say (and I know he believes it) that he's better without her and that it wasn't a good situation, but he did try. He asked to go to marriage counseling...they went...she wouldn't give up the boyfriend because "he's important to me and he is my friend", so basically telling DH that the bf meant more than her husband, her sons, her family. So again...not good enough, not enough. I know the feeling...felt that with my exH and his infidelity, but I worked through mine, I'm not sure DH has. DH is a people pleaser in many ways (although you wouldn't think so with the way he will stand against me and fight against me lol) and will continue time after time to keep giving people who no longer deserve the benefit of the doubt just that. Who will step on him, over him, etc for their own selfish reasons. It drives me CRAZY. I was raised to believe in myself. To do what I feel is right, to not allow anyone to push me around. I guess you could say I can be a bit stubborn at times, but I know my worth. I feel badly because I don't think DH really does. He's told me many times he doesn't know how he got me to agree to go out with him, let alone marry him. Guys like him don't get the girls like me. That makes me sad. He IS a good man with a heart of gold...sometimes too big of a heart, but nonetheless...to feel he's not good enough still...I think this is where a lot of our issues come from.
So in a year (almost) of marriage, I've had three people trying to tear it apart and cause problems. Yet survived. We've had many ups and downs...ups have been amazing...downs have gotten pretty down but yet I'm still here, so is he and still in love.
Maybe, despite the need for counseling, despite the people working to break our marriage apart, despite that at times it seems the odds and everything are against us...despite all that...maybe this marriage really does have a good shot.
Two of my closest friends recently said to me:
Friend 1: Hanging, I know you love DH and he loves you. If anything is going to make this not work it is OSS and the characters pulling his strings. I pray every night for you and DH, because you are both so in love with each other, and when things are good the love you have together is so easy to see on both your faces and just by being around you."
Friend 2: "Your love and your marriage will be okay. Your relationship gets tested by outside people that unfortunately are always circling, but remember, you love each other, and so far...everything they have tried hasn't worked thus far...maybe caused a bump or two in the road, but not broken the bridge. I believe in you both."
So I'm going to make sure that we celebrate this first year. Even if it isn't the "typical first year of honeymoon and newlywedded bliss" but because it's been much more, true to life reality. And so far, we're still hanging on.
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My DH and I are also
My DH and I are also celebrating our first year of marriage this coming weekend. I feel like we have mirror lives. We are going away for two days. Also due to BM, skids, etc. We are in counseling. I know exactly how you feel about not feeling the newlywed bliss. We almost didn't make it this far. A few weeks ago we were close to ending it. I left for a night and I think DH realized that he had to step up or we weren't going to make it. I told him that our time together couldn't be an afterthought and what was left after skids. We had to be the center and the kids, his and mine had to revolve around us. I think the counselor helped him to see that.
Hang in there hanging. We both made it through the first year. One down, many to go.
Congratulations on your anniversary!
Thank you!! And
Thank you!! And congratulations to you also! I guess it would appear that having a really rough first year when blending isn't such a unique experience...bummer...but nice to know we aren't alone!!
I think that for you and for us it is very important to get away for a little bit anyway. Where no one who tries to cause issues can. Far enough away that we can focus on our marriage and our love.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your DH and that next week we both have smiling, happy faces and a tale to tell about how fantastic our 1st anniversaries were!!
I'm only about 6 months ahead
I'm only about 6 months ahead of you. That first year is rough. In a step situation, there is a lot of forgiving that has to go on in the first year or the boat sinks, fast.
We also felt it was important to celebrate our first year anniversary. It was a significant milestone. We are both happy with the way we commemorated it.
I think once you pass that first year mark, you can both sort of stop holding your breath. We feel more confidence now in our ability to problem solve together and less insecurity that one of us might make a break for it. When the ink is still wet on the wedding license, it's not hard to picture that it can be smeared out.
But pass that one year mark and it feels like a real accomplishment and in a sort of mystical way gives more juice to the partnership. The celebration you choose is like the high five you give each other, your special teammate, and in some ways feels more solid than the marriage ceremony itself did. You both feel if you can make it through that first year, you can make it through any thing. Your fears subside more and your confidence in the partnership gives you both an energetic, bouncy feeling to replace the terror and shakiness of the previous year.
Congratulations to you both. Have a great time on your anniversary celebration!
Thank you for the well
Thank you for the well wishes...and for the uplifting support and advice! It's good to hear that things have a good shot and starting to go more smoothly!!
Your post brought tears to my
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am 2 1/2 months away from our 1 yr anniversary and am in counseling solely b/c of the skids and how it has negatively affected our marriage. It has definitely not been how I thought marriage would be.
Good for you for hanging in there and staying positive!
I'm so sorry you find
I'm so sorry you find yourself in the same situation. It really can suck and be so sad at times when you think about it. Especially when people who don't know the hell you've been through in the course of the year will say (with the best of intentions) "Oh! You're still newlyweds! How wonderful!!" Because often times...it wasn't really all that wonderful!!
It's good you are in counseling, and believe me, at times I have felt like we were accomplishing NOTHING, but after two months of weekly sessions, I am now finally seeing a little progress...and it renews my faith that we can get through this together. It's going to be a long hard road, but I just know the end will be worth the fight. Nothing good comes easy right??
Good luck to you! Even when it's hard, try to find a positive in your spouse, your relationship. Identifying good things help keep your eyes off the not so great things.
Happy First year Hanging !!!!
Happy First year Hanging !!!! Celebrate big
My entire comment was cut off grrrr
Dup
Dup
Let me try again !! Lol I
Let me try again !! Lol
I think we all are damaged to some extent. The difference is ~ how you heal that damage. If we learn from our past experiences we are better people. If we don't ~ we continue a victim persona.
Example ~ my hubby cheated on me ~ viciously. The blind eyed I held to him was ridiculous. I saw all the sign n would just put everything that was weird into my " filing cabinet" cause I was assured many times by my hubby that I was wrong. After putting that puzzle together ~ I realized how foolish I was. So to me " I will never put myself in that situation ever again " I was a beaten dog ~ I questioned everything for no reason at all. I assumed the worst.
Through counseling my therapist said ~ you have to watch the walk not the talk. In order for me to have an authentic relationship the walk needs to match the talk. A motto I now live by ~ my therapist brought back my self esteem n self respect.
I think your hubby realizes he is " beaten " and that alone is winderful for him. He needs to find his self worth ~ his voice.
I think in his relationship with his mother n his ex those people are from the same damn pond. They beat him up big time like a tag team. I think the OSS learned from those woman which is very sad. He is a product of their corrupt environment. Hanging he is getting stronger with every session you have ~ I think he rebels from you at times cause he is used to being abused but can't see that you are not his characters from his past. If he really listened to you without assuming what you are going to say ~ he'd realize that. You are authentic to him ~ you are showing him he needs to stick up for himself ~ something very new to him. He can't see right away that you are on his team.
We are all a work in progress !!!
Keep on striving ~ it's slow but you are seeing progress
Easy...first, I want to just
Easy...first, I want to just tell you how much your wise advice and support means to me. You always have a way of adding a perspective to it that I may not have seen. And your belief in my DH is inspiring, and helps me on those days that I'm not being the best believer in him. If I wasn't so selfish as to wanting to keep this site to myself, I'd share your posts with him, so he could see that even someone who doesn't know him believes in him...maybe one day.
I'm sorry you too went through the cheating spouse ordeal. Mine was awful as well and I too sought out counseling for it...my "BFF" starting before I was pregnant, during my pregnancy, and after while I would be in ICU with a very sick infant...as well as the times I babysat my "BFF"'s daughters so she could screw my husband...the amount of gaslighting and making me feel crazy was too much...I too gave too much credit to him and her, and that in itself caused a need for counseling as well. I'm not going to say I'm "healed and all put back together and no longer carry scars" because that's not true...but I have worked through my feelings and remembered who I was.
Again...thanks so much for your support!!
You are struggling and that's
You are struggling and that's what "friends" do for each other. You might not know me by face or voice but you know me by words. I always try to see the other perspective in things. Everyone has a story heartache n pain. I can see right through his mom cause she was my father in law. Meddling jerks !!
I believe in you both ~ you totally come from a caring n loving heart. You are not overbearing with bitch sessions to him ~ you soften the blow for him. He needs that ~ he needs extra coddling at times ~ poor guy. His heart seems genuine from what you say ~ he has the thoughts but I think he is so worried about how to do everything. When everything falls into place with him n his confidence he will be much happier. He is getting there slowly but getting there. He might have slip up but just assure him is loved. The love his mother shows is not real love. She has a lot of pain n anger in her life she should deal with. Misery loves company n I don't like oscar the grouch.
I just love to see your blogs n see how far you two have come. You are very open minded n I think it's wonderful. You've come a long way from your original posts. Stay focused on what is in important. My father told me a long time ago ~ in order to have good friends you gotta be a good friend.
For some reason your hubby to me seems like a good guy who just needs guidance.
And my hubby did the same thing w our babysitter. But mine went a little over board when she put a voice activating tape recorder under the box spring of my bed. That was my indictation that I was not crazy.
Always here for you hanging
Hanging Thank you for your
Hanging
Thank you for your kind vision of me. Makes my heart warm n fuzzy
Don't release your sanctuary ( this site to him ) ~ this is yours. Just remember ~ there are people that believe in him n are rooting for you both. Someday we will have to exchange cell numbers n text. Lol
Thank you for such kind words
Thank you for such kind words and the encouragement!!
congrats!!! mirror
congrats!!! mirror mirror...
however I am the DH in this story and married just over a year. could not do the honeymoon and there was really no 1st year celebration as our priorities were the home and kids. I definitely need to revisit that though as "WE" deserve to celebrate our union. It has been really tuff though with my BD and vindictive ex. I need try harder to put my wife first!!! thanks for the inspiration and I wish you the best!!
"I definitely need to revisit
"I definitely need to revisit that though as "WE" deserve to celebrate our union."
Yes, please do. Live life in the Now, not in some Perfect Future. That future never comes. If she has stayed with you through a bogus CPS investigation, you have got some treasure of a lady on your hands. You will feel closer and happier, the two of you, if you take time to celebrate things like anniversaries.