No mom
Something hit me about my SF. His mother was in her forties when she had him & she was diagnosed with manic depression back then. It's now known as bipolar disorder. She had mental problems all her life & was even committed & he didn't have much of a relationship with her. For him, she was just this person he was connected to, but she was distant. Not a mom, just a relative he didn't know that well. Now he's in my family with three generations of women who are very close & he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand the relationship between a mother & child because he never had one. So he's jealous of the relationship I have & acts like I'm competing with him for my mother's attention. Well I'm not. Honestly, I've always had a close relationship with her & I feel entitled & privileged to have it. I'm not giving it up. But I don't always want her attention & when he's home he can have her. If she's around too much she gets on my nerves & forgets I'm not 17 anymore. If he wants to take her out without me, fine! Just don't intrude on my time. If he does, then don't be a jerk.
The thing is that when he's not exhausted (he works a lot) he's actually fun to be around. Most people like him & while he's a prankster he's usually good to people. But he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't even want to be my friend. I don't know why this bothers me so much. I usually keep people like this out of my life, but I'm forced to have this connection because he's married to my mother. And I don't know how to disconnect my feelings in regards to this. In fact, I don't know if I can or if I should, because I'm a healthy human being with real emotions. I just wish it wouldn't affect me so much.
Maybe it will get better with time. I don't know.
Comments
I think it's a man thing.
I think it's a man thing. My DH doesn't like to share me with my mother either and I too am very close to her. My SF is the same way as yours and doesn't like to see me come visit because he thinks I monopolise my mother's attention.
Too bad, is what I say. They are not little boys. They'll get over it. It's funny in a way. My DH will always ask me what my mother and I have to talk about so much. I'll say something like "nothing really" and he wants to know if we have been talking about him. LOL...."No DH, we are not talking about you." It's all about them, don't you know?
I don't think the answer is disconnecting...
You are thinking about the situation and are open to all answers. We are all influenced by the past and it sounds like your Step Father has a lot of things in his past. I haven't had enough experience to know if the "disconnection" works -- I imagine its a survival mechanism that Steps have to take in regards to bio moms and kids out of control. It wasn't a situation we created, and its not a situation we are going t solve so for our mental sanity we have to step back.
Yours is different -- you are an adult as is everyone in the situation. Perhaps you will have to be the person who sees all angles and then in conjuction with your mom suggest counseling/spending time together etc.
I know I often talk about my fayther being raised in the "Glenn Ford" generation -- men in the 50s didn't say "I love you" or show affection. The way a man handled things was that he worked -- he worked to provide for his family and by working he was showing his love. Things are different now -- least society perceives that.
I don't think the 50s were right; maybe 30-40 years from now people will be lookign back at us and laughing at how we perceived the role of father/daughter/children/step are supposed to be.
Kevin
I don't think I could
I don't think I could disconnect if I tried, & frankly I don't want to. I don't think I should have to. My SF is actually a Boomer, but acts much older. I understand logically all the reasons he acts that way, but it still makes me feel like crap, & frankly I don't want to be around him. I'm glad when he's not there because he always makes me feel unwelcomed. And it's not for a lack of trying on my part.
The most frustrating thing is that I'm dealing with an adult, but I've always been the adult in the relationship. For instance, when I would do something careless, like lose something, he would accuse me of doing that on purpose just to make him miserable. Why would I do that? Even when I was twelve I thought anyone who did that was stupid. Of course I would respond in a sarcastic way because I thought it was absolutely ridiculous by saying, 'yeah, that's what I did. Right.' but he'd believe me. I've come to the conclusion that it didn't matter whether I really did that on purpose, it's what he wanted to believe so that's what he considered the truth. I thought he just misunderstood me for a long time, but when the revelation hit me that he wanted to hate me & was making excuses for it, it hurt. Bad.
even my DH admits to being jealous
of our son. Does your step father have a close relationship with your mom? DH & I are very close and I am as he is mine, best friends. He loves our son & is a good dad but sometimes feels like the baby gets mt best & he gets what is left. He has horrible guilt about this. I also know he doesn't really enjoy sharing me with others, he likes his alone time.
I am really sorry that he treats you like this. You seem like a great person & want to have a positive relationship with him. He is really missing out.
Closeness
Let's see... My SF is a truck driver who is gone many days out of the week or weekend, but part of that is his fault because he tries to work as much as possible. When he is home I respect that he & mom want some time together so I try to stay clear & not intrude. But then when he's home he leaves. He goes to town, runs errands, the man goes shopping (you see? We COULD get along!) sees friends, tends to his other property... I could go on. When he gets home at night he locks himself in the office & does his paperwork for his job. Unless I'm involved. When he goes to town alone & finds out me & mom are doing something, suddenly he wants to spend time with her. (?????) He & mom were never as close as they are now. They pretty much lived seperate lives & met up a few nights a week... never really did anything together but maybe twice a year. Then they built a house together & they are closer than ever, & you know what? I'm happy for them! It's about freakin time. It's only been about 22 years or so.