Thanks guys. It is so helpful to laugh! And be heard.

I wrote the above at work in a frenzy after listening to DH tell me he listened to her go on for over an hour this morning (at the drop-off, big co-parenting NO NO). I don't know what she could possibly say about DH that would be "ugly", frankly -- she'll probably dredge up emotional dynamics from their marriage and indicate a fear that he'll continue these dynamics with the kids. He was never happy that she never did anything with her life, never tried to hold down a job, learn new skills, etc. and his criticism made her feel inadequate (shocking). She's a mouse with a paranoid need to be liked by everyone around her (a woman with whom I could never be friends even if we didn't have the emotional dynamic of her being the ex wife).

Is this even something a mediator will listen to if he's been co-parenting for six years with 25% time and the kids are happy, active, with good grades, lots of friends, and loving personalities? They (SS9 and SD7) love to come here and are very close to their daddy and to me, and say things about why can't we take them to school, have playdates here etc.

It is so ironic. I hear all of these people on this site clamoring for a positive co-parenting relationship. We have that, and she wants more--a relationship that is completely inappropriate and just breeds more conflict. Last explosive communication go-round I counted 29 emails, calls, and in-person communications in a 14 day period. She was emailing us about how cute SD7 looked jump roping with friends when she dropped her off! I don't want to hear that from her. DH doesn't want to hear that from her. DH wants to be the one to drop her off and *see it for himself*. I shouldn't have to gush about what a great mom she is and what a great birthday party she put together for SD7 (I stopped on my way out and said to her "nice party, thanks for putting it together" -- okay WTF more do you want??)

We are so cooperative, respectful and flexible. DH is always willing (and wants) to discuss education, health, major psychological issues, extracurricular activities -- all the important stuff. Why isn't it enough?

I just am not that kind of person -- even with my friends, I don't chatter away all day long, touching base about everything, wringing my hands over the littlest things and being over the top "interested" and "involved" in every little thing. DH doesn't want this woman in his life on a daily basis -- he divorced her!! But he loves his kids and wants to be fully involved in their lives.
Why does she get to wield this power?? ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

This is totally affecting my health. It is so unfair and so heartbreaking. Between this and my job, the stress level has gotten to the point where I am having palpitations and headaches. My body floods with adrenaline at the slightest provocation. Honestly think I'm in a danger zone. Trying to detach but can't stop the flood of adrenaline when DH calls and says "I talked to BM for an hour today and she says it's going to get ugly."

I am just going to keep blathering away until I calm down. She even admitted she is doing this because she craves DH's approval, and MY approval, and yesterday she said that even her even-keeled new husband says that DH is still part of their marriage because her need for approval causes her to focus on him too much!!!!!!!!!!

Let me ask you this "supermom," how is this good for the kids????

Yes! That's it. Friend"ly" is fine, I hope people don't get me wrong. I am not advocating unfriendly. I am advocating boundaries.

I can hardly describe this issue -- for her, *everything* is about the kids, including whether DH likes her as a person, and everything is a crisis. Her definition of co-parenting is to basically worry over day to day decisions together. Let me give an example: kids bday parties. We all coordinate the day, the time, the place. We divide up purchase of invitations, cake, and plates/cups/etc. We discuss party activities. We email about gifts to avoid duplication. All very cooperative, cordial. Are we done yet? Oh, no. I get a running series of emails/telephone calls fussing about this detail, that detail, what if this, what if that. I cannot abide it. This is not how I live my life. Half the time I want to scream "so what if X happens, we'll deal with it then".

It is not just this one incident, it's all of them. We get these long missives about how poor SD7 shouldn't be exposed to her first grade teacher correcting her mistakes on her paper, SD7 cannot handle the criticism and shouldn't the teacher find a more constructive way to provide the corrections than red pen? And this conversation occurs at 7 am on a day when we have the kids and are running around getting ready for work and getting ready to take them to school. DH politely says "yes, this is a topic we should discuss but now is not a good time, can we agree on a time to discuss" and she ignores him and blathers on for 20 minutes before he has the *&^% to get off the phone. Excuse me ms. stay at home mom but who do you think you are?

When we informed her in March 2006 that we wanted to hold our 25-person backyard wedding in August 2006 and were the kids available, we got this:

"DH and Gwen,

I am surprised that I'm the last person you'd tell of your wedding plans. In regard to the children's schedule I should be the first person you clear things with. [Fiance] & I are considering taking the children to [another state] this summer and thank goodness there isn't any conflict. To plan a whole wedding without even running the dates by me seems risky or at the very least disorganized."

Effing excuse me? She was one of the first people that we told. It doesn't take more than a couple of months to plan a small backyard wedding, and this was five months in advance. If she had said the kids were not available, we would have changed the date. And who the eff does she think she is, talking to us like this? What happened to avoiding conflict for the sake of the kids? Maintaining boundaries? I am not her child or husband for her to criticize freely -- and for that matter, neither is DH.

Yes, if I let her, this crap goes on all day every day. Worry, worry, complain, criticize, interfere, nag, demand, whine, cry. Yes, I put all of this crap behind me all year long. Try to maintain a polite and respectful relationship, while also establishing healthy boundaries to reduce conflict. Encourage DH to stay involved in their school, activities, friends, medical, education, etc. And in return for not putting up with her interfering crap, DH is told no you can't have the kids more (as they'd always discussed and as reflected in the settlement) and god knows what lies she's going to emerge with in mediation on Thursday.

Here is the one personal email I sent BM over two years ago, after two and a half years with DH and a few months before we got engaged. It is long, but it says it all. This is after a conversation in which DH told her she needed to back off a bit and that he thought she was still too emotionally dependent on him and in response she HIT him in front of the kids, and then sent us a terse email afterward saying she would strictly limit all communications to drop-offs!!:

"BM:

I feel awkward about this, but your note was directed to me, and I've thought about it for awhile and I think for SS&SD's sake I need to provide some clarification and some insight into my thinking, for what it's worth. I don't know exactly what has been said, but from what I hear it must have been a difficult conversation. I am sorry for that. My goal is not to cause antagonism between the grown-ups; in fact, my specific goal is to avoid antagonism because I don't think grown-ups being upset with each other is in SS and SD's best interests.

Let me get to the point. I have never requested that communications be strictly limited to drop-off times. I don't think such a rigid rule would work and, for what it's worth, in my opinion such a rule would not be in SS and SD's best interests. I recognize that sometimes circumstances will require additional communications beyond drop off times, and sometimes such communications are desirable so that DH can share in things that happen to them. In fact, I strongly believe that there are some communications that should occur when the children aren't around. Grown-ups working out difficult issues should be done separately, for example. In my opinion, for what that's worth.

That said, the existing situation is, for me, unacceptable. Telephone calls and email communications anywhere from 6 to 15 times a week is excessive, and in my opinion generally unnecessary to ensure SS and SD are well cared-for, and unnecessary to keep DH involved. I fully recognize that DH needs reminding of things and that he has leaned on you to remind him. It's as much his fault as anyone's.

I want DH to be involved with SS&SD regularly. I encourage him to go to art shows, plays, soccer games, PTA meetings, etc. etc. I encourage him to take on responsibility for planning birthday parties and taking them to sports events. I encourage him to think about doing this more in the future. I think it's good for them, and that's what matters. At the same time, you are the stay at home mom and the 75% time parent, and DH has a demanding job. And there are some things that parents handle by themselves, even when married. We may disagree about certain types of events, and that's fine. We can agree to disagree, and work it out like grown-ups. In the end, you are the mom. I respect that.

I just want some balance. Respect for my time and my position as DH's significant other. Phone calls and emails that interrupt him at work and at home affect me. These things are just going to happen from time to time, and that's okay. But they are happening too often.

Balance and respect for boundaries are key. I didn't say anything when you brought a huge cake over for DH's birthday last year, although I had ordered one myself and planned to have a lovely party with DH and the kids. I told myself the gesture was "from the kids," so I sucked it up. But it ruined my plans and hurt my feelings. More recently, I didn't say anything when you called my house in the morning to yell at DH. There are many examples in between, before and after, and the individual examples are not important. I don't want to belabor them, and I don't want to hold a grudge. I am sure you have your own examples! I just want to illustrate that although you may not realize it, boundaries have been crossed on many occasions, and that is the immediate history from which I am working right now, and it colors my perception. I have no reason to think that any of these events were malicious towards me. They weren't about me. But they affect me, and I am at a point now where I need to take control of some of those things, so that I can be happy, so that DH can be happy, and so that, both being happy, we can help make the kids happy.

Let me say here that in my personal opinion, I don't think that either you or DH should feel it appropriate to yell at or berate each other. Even though the behavior is negative, it's a type of intimacy, and it should be reserved for people with whom one has intimate relationships. As DH's significant other, if anyone gets to scream at him, it should be me. Believe me, I understand that DH does annoying things sometimes, and it's human to be annoyed in response. That, too, is going to happen from time to time. Right now, in my opinion, it happens too often.

As to schedule flexibility, it seems to me that there appears to be an imbalance because (1) you have the kids 75% of the time and (2) DH has a very demanding job. I try to help DH limit schedule changes to avoid inconvenience to you, to the extent I can given the current situation. Hopefully that will continue to improve. Also, I have always encouraged DH to be flexible in accommodating the few changes that you do request. Quite frankly, I know he loves the opportunity to see SS & SD more, and I know I do too. I want to have them around as much as possible, and will always agree to take them. I love them, and I love spending time with them. I am firmly of the opinion that some degree of flexibility is necessary for them to be happy, and so I have always happily accommodated changes even when it interferes with my personal plans. I will continue to do so. I know you do the same, and I appreciate it.

I have rules for my own personal conduct in this relationship. Maybe it would be worthwhile for you to hear them, so you can understand where I'm coming from:

My number one rule is to structure my behavior so that it is consistent with SS and SD's best interests. That does not mean I have to be a martyr. But I do force myself to live outside my comfort zone on many occasions, when it's best for them.

Grown-ups are going to disagree, and that's okay. My rule is that where an issue is important enough, grown-ups work things out respectfully, calmly, cooperatively, and sometimes agree to disagree. Where an issue implicates DH or your position as parents, you two are the ultimate decision-makers.

On a personal front, I intensely dislike drama. I strongly believe that not everything needs to be a big deal, and that grown-ups should let the little things go, because antagonism is bad for children to be around.

Darling SD loves her mommy, and always wants to draw her pictures and pick her flowers and save her rocks, etc., and I encourage that. It's sweet, and it's healthy. Good people love their mommies, esp. when they are little girls. No matter how I may be feeling about any particular incident on any given day, I always encourage SD in these things. SD and I talk about how much SD loves mommy at least half the time we are together.

In the same vein, I encourage SS&SD to call mom on her birthday, and to make mother's day cards, etc. I think that good people do nice things for people they love, and SS&SD are good people and they love you. So I remind dad to make these things happen.

I never, ever criticize mom in front of the kids. (in fact, my rule is to not criticize or listen to criticism about mom at all, even when the kids aren't around. It's not appropriate, and not my deal. I do stand up for myself when I feel my boundaries are being stretched beyond the limit, but only when I feel it necessary and only to DH.) I never talk about grown-ups' differences in front of the kids, not the kind of differences that matter or affect them. I am pretty strict about this rule.

I recognize that I am in some senses oversensitive to frequency of contact. I try to control it but I forgive myself, because of what I have been through in this situation the last 2 1/2 years. I have been through hell. I know that you have too. Let's respect that about each other.

These issues are, in the end, your call. You are the mom and you have the right to make these decisions about your own life and your kids. I respect that. I am in charge of me, and I am DH's significant other, and I need to be respected for that. I recognize that the line between what is appropriate on the kids' behalf, and what should be the province of the significant other, is often blurry. I am trying to communicate that I am not comfortable with the current balance. At the same time, let me again clarify that super-rigidity in communications, schedules, etc. was never my goal, nor do I think it's desirable. Most importantly, I don't think it's good for SS&SD. All I want is some space, some breathing room, some balance, some respect for boundaries. None of this is personal towards you. I don't even know you. (To be perfectly honest, I don't really want to. At least not yet. It's too hard. That's human of me. Maybe, over time, that will change.) For now, I need some space.

I appreciate the opportunity for me to help DH keep his schedule, based on flyers and information that you provide during drop-off times, plays, graduations, etc. If other contact could be kept to a minimum and on an as-necessary basis, that would be great, for now. Just to allow everyone to settle into a world where DH doesn't interact with his ex nearly every day. Again, that's not personal. Imagine yourself in my position.

I know that from your perspective, sometimes you need to pick up the phone and call to arrange something for the kids, and that's fine. But in my opinion lots of these things could be consolidated, with just a little awareness and effort, by DH as well as you.

Finally, let me say that I appreciate the various ways in which you have gone beyond your personal comfort level too. I see that. Thank you. I am well aware that you have SS&SD's best interests in mind too. I think they are the greatest kids in the whole world, and I know that you are a big part of that.

Sheesh this is a long email. Sorry. You don't need to respond to this. You don't need to agree with everything I've said, and I hardly expect that you do. I just wanted the opportunity to make my position clear, as I don't think DH gets it across quite right, God love him. (By the way, he knows I'm responding, but he has no idea what this says. Just so you know.) Thanks for taking the time.

Gwen"

The above email is the one and only time I've ever gotten personal with her. Things calmed way down for a month, and then I got an email back saying that "although some of the things in the above email hurts" (I suppose the part about implication that DH criticizes her sometimes), that I was right, she did contact DH too much "back then." Then after another month things cranked right back up, and I decided I just couldn't engage in the drama and ignored every single tantrum, comment, etc. and just responded politely and in cordial fashion when spoken to. After DH and I got married I reached out and tried to communicate from time to time (about kid logistic issues--clothes, homework, etc.), trying to establish a working relationship. I was polite and tried to make small talk at events without scowling or making faces (hard to do when nonsense is being spewed at you). This was apparently taken an opening to more boundary crossing, tantrums, meltdowns, including a huge tantrum about "I am told not to call DH, email DH, or hug Gwen". Now, what part of the email above says not to call or email DH? I never said anything else beyond the above email, ever again. (Ok, I did tell DH I despised the hugging and he had the poor judgment to pass it on to BM, but thank god at least the hugging stopped ).

I honestly don't get it. She goes on and on about how the kids are the most important thing in her life, her whole being is focused on the kids. She is a stay at home mom, she "knows them better than anyone" (ahem) "she is a student of Jung and Freud and has studied the masters re: parenting." (ahem) If the kids are the most important thing, then why does she make her personal issues with DH (and now with me) their issues? Why is she doing this? Why raise these issues at all? Why do we have to make her part of our daily lives? What does it take to get her off of this?

If the mediator doesn't have a favorable recommendation, I don't know what I'm going to do. DH will just wither if he can't be more a part of his kids' lives. I will not stick around if I'm forced to hug her and be her best friend. Popcorn and a movie, indeed (thanks little jo.)

Happy, thank YOU. You made me cry. It took me a great deal of soul-searching to try to say and really mean some of the nice things I said in the email, and when I heard six months later in an email that she accused me of telling her to "not call DH, not email DH" I just threw up my hands and gave up. Obviously I'm not dealing with a thoughtful or reasonable person with BM. I had hopes that it would make a difference but when the rubber hit the road, it was like I was talking to a brick wall. Thanks for taking the time to read it and respond to me so thoughtfully.

Today is a mediation session, and there's another scheduled next Thursday. I am trying to steel myself against the "ugly" allegations she promised -- which in order to be made would have to be lies. I tried to help DH prepare while also standing back and letting him take control of the situation which, after all, is his/ours but not just mine. It is hard to not be in the room to defend myself and to make the facts clear--my memory is much better than DH's. I can cite chapter and verse of incidents (not always a good thing!) and he comes back and tells me something and I tell him the response and he goes "dang, I wish you had been there that's what I should have made clear." Anyway, I am trying to prepare myself for a difficult phone call from him this afternoon relaying what happened, doing my trick of imagining the worst so that if the worst comes, I am prepared and if it's less than "the worst," all the easier to take. A useful but exhausting technique, I don't know that I recommend it, but it's the defense mechanism my brain has evolved after years of "the worst" happening.

I asked him to try to focus on the positive and to focus on solutions toward the goal, rather than belaboring the negative. I hope things go well. It is so hard, I am a good person, I have succeeded at becoming self-sufficient and am highly committed to values and ethics; I am a partner in a respected law firm, I am the president of the board of directors for a non-profit at risk youth organization, and I am an exemplary stepmom who is committed to taking the high road and protecting my skids. To be made to feel like some sort of bad person or criminal is really painful and frustrating.