i want to give up! i tried...
I am writing this on my phone so, I apologize for any grammar & punctuation errors!
DH & DS went to an appointment this morning & so I was left alone with SD. I asked her to change her clothes because the shorts she chose were too short. She got upset because she didn't want to change and she thought she looked perfect. I told her we were going to a dinner party & I wanted to change her pants because I felt they were too short. After her huffin & puffin she changed.
After she changed I went into her room & asked why she felt it was such a chore to change. She didn't want to talk to me. She kept making excuses as to why she was pissy. She said because she felt guilty for her brother acting up because she had a book with a picture of a tent on it. OK, well I know when sh is lying AND this is the type of crap she pulls all the time. She plays the baby brother card. She thinks that bringing up her brother DH & I will be more lenient on her. "SD, go do your homework!" SD responds, "but all I want to do is play with my lil brother"! Uuuhhhhuu, Riiiiggghhhhtttt! She uses this excuse with EVERYTHING!! "SD, go shower!" "But I want to play with my brother!" Me: what are you talking about, you were watching TV. Besides, you've been home for 2 hours, now you want to play?" So she goes off to the shower pouting! Whatever!!
Ok, so back to today... I wanted to talk with her & see why it upset her so much when I asked her to change. She gave me the brother excuse, then she said because is too hot! REALLY, 2 inches on your shorts makes you hot? Again, whatever! The entire time I was talking WITH her she was ignoring me. How do I know... I asked her questions and she would just stare, when I asked a second time she was still just looking at me with a blank stare. Finally I would say "SD, why don't you answer me?" Her response, "oohhh, ummm can you please repeat the question?!"
After 15 minutes of me asking her questions and explaining to her how if she doesn't talk with me we cannot have a closer relationship I gave up. This is 9th time me having this type of conversation with her. I want to have a good relationship with her, but she prevents me from it. I haven't spoken to DH about it because it will only create an argument. I did tell her that since she is very quick to ignore me she should expect the same from me. I am tired of her treating me like I don't exist, UNLESS she needs something done!
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She needs her ass tore up.
She needs her ass tore up.
This should have been brought
This should have been brought up to DH long ago. It's much more productive to "argue" with an adult than it is with a child
my.kids: I have brought this
my.kids: I have brought this to DH's attention, but the argument always goes like this
Me: DH I tried speaking with SD & this is what happened
DH: why did you try talking with her
Me: explain why
DH: I think you need to back off, you need to let her be
Me: ok, but I want her to be able to talk to me
DH: you are too critical of her, you are too hard on her. I think you should back off.
Argument ignites & we get upset over something that I could've avoided in the first place. I think I put in a previous post, I think DH is dealing with guilt over not really being able to be there. BM got married as soon as SD was born & she & her, now ex, DH moved around. Both her xDH & mine were in the military & so they never really coincided in duty stations. Beside, arguing with DH IS like arguing with a child!
I hate to say this gtr but it
I hate to say this gtr but it almost sounds like talking to her about why *whatever she's asked to do* is so difficult is turning into a redundant task. My SD7 has been shooting me attitude left, right & center but nothing either SO & I do changes anything. No, we don't let it slide if she's in the living room & giving me dirty looks but I've stopped caring about "why it's so hard to a b or c" as long as it gets done.
Me: SD, go change your clothes & do your hair please...we're going out.
SD: What's wrong with what I'm wearing????? (EYE ROLL)
Me: It's too short & it's got food down the front from lunch (we all know HOW HARD it is to eat ANYTHING without it ending up ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE!)
SD: But I like this, I don't wanna change!
Me: Don't care, do it anyway!
SD: FINE!!! (STOMP STOMP STOMP)
Me: Stop walking like an elephant or you'll be walking the hall!
End of conversation...your SD (like mine) will get over whatever issue they are having & get back to their snippy little selves in no time, so why invite the headache of "why"? If my SD is asked why about ANYTHING, she mumbles "I don't know", or "I didn't feel like it"...and that's it...that's her response to just about any question about her behavior.
Trust me, I get how annoying it is to try & try only to get turdiness in return but sometimes, it's better to let the little snoots go about their grumpy way...as long as the given task is done.
Hopefully your DH will see her behavior instead of turning a blind eye.
Good luck!
"Trust me, I get how annoying
"Trust me, I get how annoying it is to try & try only to get turdiness in return but sometimes, it's better to let the little snoots go about their grumpy way...as long as the given task is done."
^^^^^^Yes, I agree with this. I can have a hard time with this, but I think it is important.
Well unfortunately I think
Well unfortunately I think the reason she did not want to change and did not want to discuss it is because like a lot of 'tween' young girls she is worryingly preoccupied with being sexy at an inappropriately early age. She wanted to wear that outfit to look sexy but was never going to admit that to you no matter what you said or did. This is a bit of bugbear of mine and here in the UK there is a lot of concern about the sexualisation of young girls, where there is such widespread exposure to highly sexual representations of women, and overly adult products aimed at young girls like push up bras, hotpants and Playboy merchandise, that younger and younger girls are starting to feel that 'being sexy' is a key measure of their success and popularity.
Try not to see this as a reflection of the quality of your relationship as a stepmother, birthparents struggle to tackle this kind of issue because you're basically going to head to head with their peer group and the entire marketing industry which encourages them to present themselves that way. I have really wrestled with this with my youngest SD, who in my view was presenting herself far too provocatively at far too young an age, but it is one of those areas that are very difficult to control when you are non-custodial and by the time we were custodial when she was nearly 15 it was really too late to reverse. SD has 3 older sisters which also meant she was aspiring to their clothes, makeup and freedoms at a much younger age.
The only thing you could do is try to talk to your SD about the pressure to be sexy, and the appropriateness of what she wears, but it will probably be one of those unrewarding conversations where you get little feedback and just have to hope that some of your messages give her pause for thought. You might stand more chance of getting DH to understand your concern if you explain that you are not trying to criticise SD you are just trying to protect her from presenting herself in a way that sends sexual messages that she is too young to even understand. No father wants his daughter parading around in inappropriate clothing and he probably does not understand that it is a thin end of the wedge situation and that unless there are some groundrules for her personal appearance she will inevitably push the boundaries.
The next time you go
The next time you go somewhere together wear some Daisy Duke shorts and see how she reacts! Ha! I'm such a witch. Hee hee
Bo: I wish is THAT she was
Bo: I wish is THAT she was trying to be sexy. Her problem is NOT wanting to do what is asked and because I did NOT tell her that he outfit was perfect. She doesn't like to be told that what she has chosen is not correct choice. I know that she is the "tween" age and that she will have an attitude, but I don't know HOW to deal with it. She used to come to us for only 2-4 weeks a year (I was a reservist), her mother turned to drugs and now I am a full time step-mother. It is very difficult to adjust to having a 10 year old full time. SD still closes her eyes and makes "eeewwww" noises when people kiss on tv. I don't know. I have been trying, even though she gets on my nerves I have given it my all. I am emotionally and physically exhausted.
After reading your blog, and
After reading your blog, and your argument with your DH I can say I've been through this.
At some point, you have to give it to them their way. THEIR way.
Here was my situation specific to SD (I had a lot of other issues going on too).
SD's huffing at me. Short with me. Attitude like she has with her mother
SD's wearing low cut clothing and short shorts at 14-15 years old.
SO is not asking her to NOT wear these clothes even though he agree's with me. SO doesn't see how SD is behaving towards me.
FInally, I disengaged. He had a real problem with this. SO did not like that I removed myself from any skid related activities/outings. Finally, I flat out said she's embarrassing and I'm not going to be seen in public with her. I'm not going to lie, we nearly ended our relationship because I said parent or move. Again, I had a lot of other things going on as well.
However, what I am trying to say is you have a choice here. You don't have to deal with her attitude or her manner of dress. Its plain, until you want to address me properly, I will not be speaking to you nor will I do things for you.
Until you want to dress properly, I will not be seen in public with you. Some may find me harsh, but I just refused to walk around with a 15 year old showing off her size D's. It sickened me that her father was ok with it and would tell her she looked nice. SICKENED ME.
He didn't like hearing it, but he finally fixed it. In the end, he had to admit that I was right and it was improper. The problem is, these parents (and BM can be this way too) don't find these things "that' big of a deal" or feel like they are just being too picky. I disagree.
Good luck. Its all difficult