So I read Happy's blog today, and it really touched a nerve. The whole money thing. The sense of entitlement from not only SD, but DH and even BM irritates me.

When DH and I first met, it wasn't a big deal. I have a "professional" job, he works in a trade. I had my own house, he was living in the basement of his brother's house with his BD. Brother lives in a great school district, and even though it was different from how I might do things - it made sense to me. So -all was good. About a year later, we decided to go ahead and make a household. SD was in her last year of high school, and it made sense. they moved in, we got engaged. I worked with SD on applying to colleges, she did great on her SATs, and got into all the colleges she applied to! YEAH!! I was excited, I thought she was really going to do something! We seemed to be making a go of it! DH and I were engaged at Christmas that year, and decided to get married in a year and a half.

SO - the end of the school year comes around - SD announces she is going to move three states away to live with BM. I asked what about school? She said she would get to it, but not at the moment. Come to find out, BM had SD's BF living with her. Is this bizarre? So - SD of COURSE moves down to live with BF and BM!!

Then the fun starts. About every three months, BM calls DH with some sort of emergency that requires funding. The first time it was somehting for her. DH comes and asks if we can help... Um NO!!! BM is not my problem! DH does not have this kind of money laying around (she needed a grand or something - I don't remember exactly). But it was some big huge hulking deal - she didn't have money because SD was there with BF. I said - hey, SD can come live with us - but no cash goes to that household, everyone there is over 18 and fully capable of working. Three months later - another call - SD is sick, can't eat, can't drink. Hasn't had food in 5 days. They can't afford to go to a Dr. they have no money. (this time BM asks for 7K!!) DH was beside himself - you know, sick kid and everything. I was mightily PISSED! this is a house full of adults - what the hell!! I told DH - SD goes to Dr right this minute, the DR can call us for the funds, we will pay the medical bill. No cash to that household, they send us the bill, we will pay it. That's it. Further, if this happens again, we will go down and pick up SD - if she can't behave like a responsible adult, she can come live like a child. That was a defining moment, I think. It is the only time I dissed BM to DH. I was so pissed - I asked him if BM was trying to kill SD in order to get cash from us? He was shocked, but I made it very clear - I do NOT support BM, ever. She is not my problem, and her behavior towards her daughter is reprehensible. I told DH - he and I are always here for SD. We wil not leave her hanging, however, I will never give SD cash. I will pay an emergency bill, but only after I have decided it is an emergency. We will not leave her hanging - but she will not get random cash, she has proved way to irresponsible, and there is no way we could afford the fall out.

Flash forward - a year and a half. We are now used to the lapses in communication. It means something has gone wrong and we are about to be hit up for something. This time - guess - SD is Preggo!! from live-in dead beat BF. BM has announced she has to move very far away. BF tells SD if she moves with her BM, he won't have anything more to do with her! So - we get SD up with us. Amazingly enough, as soon as SD moves up with us, BM no longer has to go anywhere! DH and I disucss the rules - she has to get a job and after baby arrives, go to school. DH and I talk before we get her - we need to partner, we need to be on the same page, we need to act as one. HAHAHAHHAAHAH - wishful thinking...

A month after SD moves in - DH blows his top at work, chews out his boss and gets fired. His reaction - he doesn't need to take that kind of crap from anyone, and "we" can afford it! WE???? I had put him on a savings plan when we got married, so he had a "crash and burn" fund. We discuss what he is going to do, he wants to change careers. He might go to school (GOOD IDEA, I am ALL for that, or so I thought!). The discussion - he has to get a job and he can go to school as well. He signs up with some temp agencies, starts looking, and we look at some of the local schools. He gets a placement with a temp agency within about three or four weeks of being fired. HE TURNS IT DOWN!! Why - because it might interfere with him going to school!! WTF??? He hadn't enrolled, the course he was thinking about didn't start for three months. I don't get it!!! WHAT??? We had already discussed that he had to pay for truck and insurance himself from crash and burn fund. If that ran out, we had to sell the truck. While he got himself back on his feet, I would cover all household expenses and SD expenses. AND HE TURNS DOWN A JOB??? I made out a budget to show him why he needed a job, and a timeline to show him how long he had until the truck would be sold. He reported to me each day all the jobs he applied for, as if that proved something. (Not one that he would actually get - mind you). Then SD lost her job. (We knew it was coming - medical leave for pregnancy, and she had only been employed for three months). So - now she needs to have health insurance paid for (as well as daily living expenses - because, you know, she is pregnant...). So - I laid it out for DH again - explained what we would have to give up - including cell phones, cable TV, and fast internet as well as his truck - to pay for SD expenses. Plus - he was responsible for ALL of SD expenses, and I would track them, so when he got a job, he could start paying me back. I told him I would be calling that week to shut things off so when medical expenses hit, we would have the money. He got a job in two hours. TWO HOURS!!! After Two Months of lazing around the house. I guess the loss of the cable TV really scared him!!

Some of the rules around the house? No sleep overs. We had discussed this. During his two months off, I guess DH decided that wasn't so important. SD wanted to have a friend sleep over - they all confronted me - SD, DH, and friend!! I wanted to barf all over them. It made me sick. Then I said no. DH asked if the cat really needed to be in the basement when no one was home. Another rule we had agreed to. I said yes - cat must be in basement. No exceptions, no discussion. SD explained to me how cat wouldn't REALLY get birds. (we have two birds - pre SD, in fact pre-DH). the other evening at dinner, I made SD go get cat - cat was stalking birds... We also agreed on dinner at table (DH and I were used to more casual dinners, we would eat whereever, but with SD and baby on the way - there has to be structure) - now, for some reason that I have not yet discovered - SD will not speak to me at dinner! Won't even look at me. This is new - within the past week or so. I have no idea what is going on, but I am sure I'll find it out soon...

I did the monthly bills last night. I discussed where we were and what was needed next with DH. He is a bit resentful - and I have taken to discussing money matters in front of SD. I don't know if this is a good thing or not - but she should be aware darnit! I had been keeping it under wraps - but SD has these weird attitudes. She resents when I openly spend money on her. (Won't take any baby things, got mad at me for getting her PJs that she had asked for). But also expects everything to be taken care of (medical, food, etc.). Also - doesn't expect the men in her life to be responsible! (Dad shouldn't really have to pay, baby dad owes nothing because he has it so rough). I am getting a feeling that what she really wants is everything for nothing - including knowledge of where stuff is coming from. I am not really sure. Sort of like an amazing entitlement attitude.

Oddly enough - it feels SO much better to rant now. Now that DH has job, some of the pressure is off. When it was really bad, I felt like I just had to hunker down and survive. Now - phew. And yet, I also feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. When baby shows up, I expect BM and BF to show up on my doorstep. BF is not allowed in the house - this was another rule when SD came up to live. Another one that I think I will be the one left to enforce. BM can visit - but as with the other rule - no sleep overs! Again - I'll be the one holding that bag o' sssss... This just feels like the lull before the storm. But, you know, right now? - I'll take it.