I just don't friggen believe it.
I haven't posted a blog lately. I just usually lurk and comment here and there. But I have a situation that has just floored me.
As I have posted in the past, my sd can be well...a challenge. I have taken a different approach with her. I just do not do the things I used to and have pretty much detached completly and let her dad deal with her. This has made my life much easier.
But I have to say that I do not get why dh and now mil just cave in to her whims.
If she actually DID something to deserve things that would be okay. Geez.
Okay, here goes.
I made a deal with my bd at the beginning of the school year. She wanted her hair cut in a modern style and some highlights. At first, I was against it but decided to make her a deal instead. In short, I told her that she could get her hair done how she wanted but had to maintain an A-B average at school. No less. If she maintained the grades I would maintain the hair. If not, no highlights and supercuts.
She agreed. My sd catching wind of this asked if she could have the same deal. I agreed because I thought it might motivate her to get decent grades. In fact, I was even excited about it.
Well, here is what happened. My daughter has been busting her butt to do well and brought home a great report card. She gets her hair redone next week. My sd did not keep up her end of the bargain. So her dad bought her hair dye so she could have her mom color her hair and my mil is taking her to get her hair cut by the girl that I took them to originally for a haircut.
I didn't say anything at first. I was just in disbelief. So, once again, sd does not have to do anything and still gets her way. I was just trying to help her to help herself. She is a very smart kid. It is not like she is not capable of achieving good grades. When I mentioned it to dh he said (before we knew about the haircut appt) "well she isn't getting it done professionally." Okay, so what's the difference? She still got to color her hair and is now getting her hair cut by the same girl. We found out about the haircut last night. I was just disgusted. Sounds to me like she got the prize with out having to follow the rules of the game. AGAIN. Where is the consequence?
I feel like if she ends up getting the result she wants anyway why does it matter if she gets good grades or not? There is never a consequence with her.
*sigh*
I don't want to be petty, but I feel that this is just crap.
Georgie
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For me...
I would approach SD and ask her if she feels that she deserves any of what she's getting? Attempt to at least make her feel guilty a little bit. Then take your BD and get her a manicure too as a little bonus for being such a great kid.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
More details needed...
Before I weigh in on this one, I would ask:
- Does SD live with you at least 50% of the time? If not, then you are going to have very little to say about what BM and MIL do. They will continue to go around you. You're better off not getting sucked into her recognition/rewards system at all, if she mostly lives with mom. Let mom do that.
- Did you make the deal clear up front with DH, and did he agree? If he did, then he is a total scumbag for cutting a separate deal, and he is being a total jerk when he says it's not the same
Of course it is, and his disregard for you on this is inexcusable!
How would he feel if he attempted to discipline your daughter, and then you got in the middle and overruled him? No doubt, he'd be pissed! Try to get him to put himself in your shoes.
Your daughter is the one who really got screwed in the process. She worked hard to get something she deserved, and yet SD is getting something she didn't.
Be sure to tell her how proud you are, and underscore the message that sometimes people who don't really deserve it get preferential treatment anyway (nepotism, etc.). This is an unfortunate aspect of life, but the true achievers will always shine threw in the end
Frustrating, I know
Sounds to me like this opportunity is pretty much shot - but it is now a tool in your toolbox. Talk to your BD - she will eventually understand. However - guess what - You are going to make another deal with BD. No doubt about it. And SD is going to ask you again. And - your answer can be - well no. Since this is what happened last time, I can't believe that you will follow through. If you want this type of deal, we are going to have to start somewhere (a bit smaller, or something) - but you can easily indicate that the trust is gone, and she gets no more goodies from you, and that it is totally based on her past behavior. Either she may start to understand the value of your trust and good will, or she won't. But it will be an opportunity for her to learn. maybe...
frusterating, isn't it?
This goes on in my house too and sd gets to do whatever she wants. I just don't really care anymore, I got tired of fighting about it, she's only there a few days a month and I just silently think to myself that my bio kids will become much more sucessful adults than her as she is allowed to do anything she pleases. I know it's probably not nice of me to think this way but it gets me through the rough spots.
We had a situation like this recently
SS got a reward (staying up 15 min late to finish watching a tv show) for doing some routine chores without being asked or prompted. SD didn't do anything extra but was allowed to stay up late and read (a treat for her) fiance could not understand why i was upset that he rewarded her for doing nothing. VERY frustrating. I agree that no more deals should be made w/ SD until she can prove to you that she can work hard for rewards. I would have a serious talk w/ DH about how your BD must feel after working so hard and seeing that no effort gets the same result.
good luck
Thanks again ladies you are all just awesome
I did talk with my daughter about the whole thing and we both agreed that it is not fair, but we both know that it is nothing I can change. She was actually still very pleased with herself, as she should be, and we ended up enjoyed a national bd day and went to a new open air mall that just opened here and had a really super day.
As far as I go, there will be no more deals with sd. I am done. This whole ordeal left me felt very unappreciated and used. My dh and I fought about it and got no where. To him she just colored her hair with a $4.00 box of color and didn't get it done professionally and the fact that she went to MY girl for a PROFESSIONAL haircut didn't matter. He had also made the comment that he beleives in postive reinforcement. Well, so do I but first I think that they should do something postive to be reinforced!
I am so dissappointed that he can't understand why I am upset by this. However, I sure will not loose sleep over it.
My skids are here about 60% of the time. Dh and bm have shared joint custody, but we end up with them more than our scheduled days most of the time.
Now tonight we get them early. HU-f***ing-ray and we get to go to dinner with mil. joy.
I hate to sound like a pissy bitch, but it just grinds me.
I hope everyone has a super evening!
Georgie