I'm sorry, that's got to really really hurt. I don't think there's any advice I can give, I just want to send you a hug!

That must be beyond frustrating. To be considered lesser by the military because you were not the first. I would be raising holy hell so that they would never forget me and never make that mistake again. I don't have to deal with this, thankfully, beyond the receipt of occasional mail addressed to one of his (yes, more than one) ex-wives.

FIM - I know how you feel. I went through a situation over a year ago where the local vet sent us a card to congratulate us on getting our new dog. They addressed the card to my FH and the BM's first names. They used to take their cat to the same vet while they were married. I went ballistic, I called the vet and made it very clear to them that any correspondence in regards to our animals are to be made to FH and myself. I told her that they were now divorced and she does not have any connection to my pets and that is if anything sent to my house is ever addressed in her name again I will take my dogs to another vet. The kicker of the whole thing is that I am the one that had taken our new puppy in the first time and had given them my name.

Now I realize that I probably overreacted and went off on the poor receptionist but I wanted to make sure that this sort of thing never happened again. I know this situation doesn't compare to yours but I wanted you to know - I feel your pain hun...

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

I thought I posted but I cant find where I did,
anyway, it takes an act of congress, an act of god and a small miracle to get anything changed in the military...
I would just keep at them.
hugs to you!!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

problem, ever. I am surprised though, seeing how BM is mentally ill and all.....I would have thought she would have tried something like this using our address, etc. I can offer you a HUG though!

1st wife's first name! One time my father-in-law called me Angel #2 and I said, NO, I'M NUMBER 1!!!! But, I was just kidding.

But----I really feel that the 2nd wife is the "preferred" one. He dumped the first one & can't stand her. I'm the one pampered and cared for.

Try thinking on the positive side----that military red tape is not personal. Don't let that crap bother you.

theres no way around that. these situations are difficult to deal w and when its thrown in ur face well, it can be really painful. we all know we are the preferred wife by DH and his family BUT that doesnt mean its not a bitter pill to swallow. *hugs*

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

We have similar sounding names (and DH has a tendency to get toungue-tied!). A few months after we married, we ran into some old neighbors of his while on vacation. He turned and said "This is my wife, *BM's name*." And then quickly corrected himself! It stung, and my BS13 mocked me by calling me by BM's name for the rest of the trip, but I let it go. DH was with BM for more than 20 years - and it certainly wasn't intentional (and I know he felt terrible) - so why punish him? It is hard being 2nd wife - I totally feel your pain.

I am so sorry you had to go through that and It doesn't sound like it will be the last time either I went through the same thing at my SD elementary school. Even though I was the only parent they saw, even though my husband was never married to BM (dated for a few weeks) I suffered through years of being called BM's name and having to explain why we needed three parents listed on the class list and why one of those names needed to be mine...the kicker was that BM wasn't even involved with school so I was listing her as a courtesy...I remember on one occassion telling the school secretary that the school would remember my name if the tuition cheque bounced and then breaking down in tears from the frustration...I remember praying for the years to go by so that SD would be in highschool which is bigger and requires less parental involvement so that I wouldn't need to deal with the "second" status...but then I felt so sad realizing that i was wishing years away from me and not really enjoying them. I can say that SD is now in highschool and the fact that I have since "disengaged" from SD a bit means less chances to be given the "Second" status by some administrative persons...the problem is that for me (and maybe for you) the status is part of my fears and insecurities so even when some person isn't saying it i'm still feeling it on some level...I think that is the real trick...to remember what Angel wrote above...that DH is with us and that makes us the first and the only...I hope it gets better for you...take care

I understand how you feel. Most of us, I think who married someone who had been married before have some feelings about it whether we want to admit it or not.

But to keep this short, I'll tell you what profound thinkers have been saying for centuries, or some variation of that for you.

You count when you believe you do. It is all about how you feel about yourself and your place, everything else doesn't matter. What counts is the present and she is history.

She really is. This isn't the 16 century or even the 20th century. As most of us can confirm, those woman who married our DH's had no business in their lives. Most of those marriages were mistakes, a training ground so to speak for our husbands to be right for us.

So let it go. You do count, who gives a shit if someone made a clerical error with your birthday. Set them straight and don't linger on silly stuff.

YOU COUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor thing. I am the THIRD wife and as they said on the HBO show BIG LOVE- third wife doesn't count. I hate being the third wife. We were in church one Sunday and they had all of the new parishioners stand up as they said our name. BM#2 had apparently joined after we did. She had registered as Mrs.John Smith and they read her name first then ours Mr. and Mrs. John SMith. The video store had the same listing and we were always getting charged for the stupid movies she forgot to return. BM's mini van loan ended up in our credit report.

Did your husband and the ex have a civil or religious ceremony? My DH was married to #1 by a small town mayor and in the basement of a church by a pastor of a different faith. We are Catholic and his ex #2 was in a hurry to get married and didn't want to wait to have his first marriage annulled by the Catholic church.
WHen we met he immediately started going to Mass again and went to see the priest about getting both marriages annulled.

Keep in mind that what you and your husband have together is more important a mistake someone made. I also use the theory of years married.DH and I have been married for 13 years- he was married to #1 for 5 years and #2 for 4 years. Longevity means alot.