DH has a stack of books he has been reading about fatherhood. You would think that this would be helping him and getting him out of Guilty Daddy mode but instead, it’s making things far, far worse. You would think he might finally see how bad it is to spoil his kids, be a permissive parent and give the whatever they want, and that his job is to set a good example of a father and husband to his boys. But no, all he is getting out of this is the message that he is an absentee father unless he is involved in his kids daily lives and that they will be ruined for life if his life doesn’t revolve around them.

He has a book called “52 Things Kids Need from a Dad” and it’s not completely permissive parenting, but DH sees the boys a few days a month. A non-custodial, every-other-weekend dad cannot do most of the things in that book. Unfortunately, it is making him feel like if he isn’t, then he’s an absentee father. No one will give him permission to not feel guilty over missing things and not being part of his kids’ daily lives and actually be there for his current wife and his stepson rather than spending 99% of his energy chasing after his kids who are perfectly fine without him.

Even in Divorce Poison which you would expect to be pro non-custodial dad, it implies that the kids who resist alienation have dads who are coaching their soccer teams, involved at school and spoil their kids rotten. If you’re a EoWeekend dad who can’t see their kids because your current wife and family should come first and you work long hours, it implies you deserve to be alienated from you kids.

DH is so concerned about messing up his kids’ lives or preventing them from doing anything they want. He could say “no, you can’t do Little League. I’m not spending my weekend driving you back around like a chauffer. My time is too valuable and you can find something to do here". But that would make him a “bad” father. Instead, he has to drive his kids back and forth when they visit for games, drive back and forth to see games when its not his weekend. (We live 65 miles away from the boys). Our weekends revolve around what the boys are doing, the boys’ sports and their activities.

How is that putting his new family first and making his marriage a priority? It’s catering to his kids and making whatever they want. That’s raising a generation of self-centered, entitled brats. I barely see him on weekends because he’s always off at one of his boys’ activities.

The issue is that examples of “good” fathers center on this type of garbage. I’m sure the Olympics this summer will be full of stories of parents driving their kids hours to go to practice and making their lives revolve around their kids’ sports careers. People bash pageant moms that do the same thing, but if SS9 can be a MLB pitcher, then it’s all worth it in DH’s mind.

I consider my dad a good father. He’s the traditional type of guy. When I was growing up, my dad went to a few choir performances, but never school conferences and I didn’t care if he was there or not. He did provide for our family financially. I’m not ruined for life because my father didn’t spend a lot of time with me.

DH pays CS for the boys and if BM asks for money for anything for them, he’ll give it to her. Yet he doesn’t think that’s being a good father only what is expected. He wants to be superdad.

DH provided financially for SD15 as well yet he will go on and on about how he’s failed her, how he’s screwed up and what he should have done. I want to hit him upside the head about this. The thing he messed up was not wearing a condom to begin with. The girl’s mother was mentally ill and did massive drugs while pregnant. This girl should never even existed. But in no way was he an absentee father with all the CS payments. The only thing DH thinks makes him a good dad is big productions of Disney Daddyness.

SD15 is the biggest brat in the world, completely disrespectful, treats him like garbage and does nothing to correct this behavior. But pines over missing his little girl growing up and how he needs to make it up to her.

I’m about ready to give up. DH is hopeless. He doesn’t get it.