I was wondering what’s normal with long distance visitation schedules.

My DH doesn’t have a formal custody arrangement - his 15 year old daughter is currently living with her aunt and uncle out of state because she was so hateful and disrespectful towards me in my home that I would not allow her to continue live with us. (The BM had her parental rights terminated and is out of the picture).

DH was planning on going up and seeing her during major holidays, but his daughter’s therapist roped him in flying up for monthly family therapy session. He’s flying up on Friday mornings and coming back Sunday night. She lives 3.5 hours from a major airport and 1 hour from a tiny one, so it’s a hassle to get there and travel will get even worse in the winter.

I can’t imagine that anyone in their right mind would do this kind of crazy visitation schedule. DH comes back completely exhausted on Sunday night then has to get to work early Monday morning. He can’t keep doing this and it’s wrecking havoc on our marriage with him being gone so much. We have very little quality time together. I can’t handle this with everything else going on.

I refuse to let SD15 back into my home, so unless her behavior massively changes, her flying here to visit is not an option. She’s unwilling to change and blames me for all the problems, so that’s unlikely to happen. She has told to her dad she doesn’t want to see him, so her visiting is not motivation for her to change.

I want to convince him that this is absolutely ridiculous that anyone will ask him to do this.

After how badly SD15 has acted and treated me, it’s insane that he should be going out of his way to do anything for her. He’s already wasted far too much time, energy and especially money on that brat. She doesn’t want anything to do with him, so the best solution for everyone would be to simply walk away.

Every time I try to discuss this with DH, it turns into a massive argument over why SD15 isn’t living with us and him accusing me of driving his daughter away and blaming me for why he can’t have a relationship with her. (He refuses to admit that that his Daddy guilt prevented him from laying down the law with her and effectively disciplining her.)

Also, this is not a typical divorce situation. SD15 was the result of a stupid relationship DH had as a teenager and has had very little to do with raising her. The BM had her parental rights terminated about 10 years ago, and SD went to live with her grandmother. (At the time, my DH was in the military and was later deployed in Iraq.)

After he finally got out of the military, he was seeing his daughter a few weeks in the summer and for a week at Christmas or Spring Break/Easter. This sounds like a far more normal long distance visitation schedule.

I didn’t particular like it when his daughter visited back then, but it was a necessarily evil. She was a brat even then, so I would frequently go stay with relatives when she was around. (SD15 ended up dumped on us full time when her grandmother died last year)

I want to convince DH that the rational thing to do is tell her she can come home for Christmas and Spring Break, but only if she behaves. If she doesn’t follow the rules, then we will not pay for her plane ticket and she will not see her father until she agrees to treat me with respect.

Unfortunately, this isn’t going to work since she has no interest in seeing her dad and will barely speak to him. He’s the one going out of his way to try to maintain a relationship with her.

I don’t see our marriage surviving the problems we’re having now. He won’t listen to me about how ridiculous this visitation schedule is and everything turns into arguments about this darn girl.

I was so relieved to be rid of her this summer and put all of the SD15-drama to rest. I hate this girl and I want her out of my life! I cannot believe she is still driving a wedge between DH and I from 1000 miles away. I will not let this girl ruin my marriage.

At this point, I believe our marriage is salvageable but there’s absolutely nothing DH can do for his daughter. I know it’s noble that he’s trying to “fix” her, but she’s a lost cause and beyond repair. After all the drugs her mom did while pregnant with her, that was true from the moment she was born (I wish I could go back in time and yell at him to use a condom).

There’s no sense in our family being ruined because of a idiotic mistake he made 16 years ago. I don’t know how to convince him of that. There is no way I will let him continue these monthly visitations. If he wants to call her therapist or call his daughter, that’s acceptable. But monthly three day trips? That’s absolutely absurd to demand that much time and the cost is going to bankrupt him