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Does Anyone Hate the Stigma of Being the Second (or Third) One?

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Fri, 07/25/2014 - 4:55pm

Does anyone else feel like crap over the whole stigma of being SECOND or THIRD wife/husband/significant other? I recently had an encounter that went something like this, "Oh, you're the THIIIIRRRRRD spouse." Left me feeling like I was a loser and not worthy of much. And here I am....a former career woman with an adult child. Never intended to start all over and raise another kid full time--especially one that isn't mine and who hates me. But, now I'm here raising DH's horrible child full time because BM abandoned SD. After all the years of pain and sacrifice I've gone through to try and keep it working with DH and his mean child, I'm labeled 2nd or 3rd down the ladder of importance because I'm not the "original" first wife.

It's times like these I hate DH.

Comments

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Fri, 07/25/2014 - 5:06pm

Hey there! I'm a third wife too.

There are some great things about being a third wife: He is already sick to death of divorce and failed relationships so he made sure that number 3 is the one that will last, he learnt some lessons from the previous 2 about how to be a self sufficient male and father. He learnt that doing chores around the house helps to keep everyone happy. He knows when things aren't going great that it is time to pay attention to the relationship and invest in that. Any romanticised ideals about marriage are out of the window and he knows that it is not something to be quit at the first sign of trouble but something that takes hard work to get through tough times.

My family were less than impressed when they found out about my husband but I know that time will show them and any other naysayers that our relationship is great and we will last despite how our situation looked on paper when we met.

You need to think of yourself as the final iteration, the one where he got it all right after all his trials and errors. Not the first failed attempt or second desperate re-try that flopped. You're number 3, the best!

Oh and if anyone continues to make you feel like you're lesser of a person then limit your exposure to them, you have no need for that.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 07/25/2014 - 5:35pm

I don't care that I'm the third.

My DH and I have been together longer than he was with his first two wives put together and he married me for completely different reasons than them.

He is with me because he wants to be and he is totally and completely in love with me. It took him some time to realize that he deserves that and that he deserves to be with someone who loves him back.

Besides, you know what they say, third time's a charm.

Consider the "original" wife the test dummy. Completely disposable, whereas I'm a keeper.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Fri, 07/25/2014 - 8:42pm

Mine is the reverse - he is my third husband and I am his second wife. Sometimes it bothers me because people always give me a look when they find out. Sometimes I edit out the first marriage, depending on who I'm talking to. My skids all think I have only been married once. The first marriage never really came up and I just let them think there was only one.

I was too young when I married the first time and he had a problem with alcohol. The second husband cheated on me. (He married her and they have been together over 15 years - so I guess it was a "meant to be" thing.)

If I hadn't been divorce twice I wouldn't have found my current husband. I learned a lot from both marriages and apply that knowledge to this marriage. This one is my last and best. My husband is totally cool with it. He knows my past is what makes me who I am and he loves me.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/25/2014 - 8:43pm

Nope. I hate the fact H felt it was okay to put our relationship last on his priority list. That was the biggest problem.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Fri, 07/25/2014 - 9:15pm

I have been the second wife - twice. Two marriages, to two men who had been married before.
Would not do it like this again.

But here is another facet: all my GFs who are on their first marriage have cold and distant relationships with their (only) husbands. None are happy. Whereas I have a wonderful loving husband who has had the misfortune of marrying a crazy toxic bulldog 25 years ago. That sham of a marriage prepared him to appreciate me so much more.

DarlinCompanion's picture

Submitted by DarlinCompanion on Fri, 07/25/2014 - 9:35pm

I was never married before DH but I do have relationships in my past that could almost qualify as marriages. DH doesn't have the experience I have had with other long-term relationships, besides with BM, which was a bastardization of marriage if there ever was one.

So even though I'm the second and not the third, I only think it's the label that people stupidly judge. But people love to assume what they think is actually the truth. Just like with stepmotherhood in general. If we believed what people think about being a stepmom is true, we'd all go nuts. Smile

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Sat, 07/26/2014 - 3:04am

I try not to allow other people's opinions to define my self worth.

I'm happy with my life and my choices. Some things I wish I had learned the lesson with less pain, but I think that's just life.

WhyIsItSoHard's picture

Submitted by WhyIsItSoHard on Sat, 05/13/2017 - 6:22am

I'm a third wife (1st marriage for me). I've never had kids, he has 2 (1 from each prior marriage). I had no issues at first about it, however, the ex wives started contacting my husband shortly after we married (out of the blue) and it caused me to question some things. I feel I have married into his past - an uncomfortable feeling. We are great together but the outsiders just remind me everyday that he has said things to them that he says to me and he's shared more with them then he ever will with me (one being kids). I didn't realize it was going to be so hard. His 2nd wife gets money from him (legal settlement) for the rest of their life. His family talks about the ex's a lot so it's like it's always in my review mirror.