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Anyone Ever Ponder This?

Francesca's picture

So, I had to go to court the other day (unrelated to BM) and I put my suit on (the one I used before I became a teacher) and I drove off by myself for a change. I remembered my old, unfettered life before psycho BM. When I was calm, friendly, professional and on a sure career track. I went through enough hard times with my mother's death, and the decliining economy. Now it seems daily life is filled with fielding and sidestepping the psychotic behavior(s) of psycho BM, causing me to regress in my behavior also. I don't like these angry and hateful feelings, so in effect, she is doing damage to me. I can see why people engaged in war become sub-human, and begin to become like the enemy. So, I've begun to step away, in an effort to become the person I used to be.

Has anyone else ever felt this way?
F.

Comments

skylarksms's picture

Ah yes, the good ole single mom days!

I thought that I had a tough time raising DS by myself, going to college, with no CS.

Yeah, right - that was simple! If only I knew...

SillyGilly's picture

YES!!! Sometimes I wonder where the old SillyGilly went - I used to be so relaxed, calm, mild mannered, I didn't stress out, I took one day at a time, I didn't have a temper, etc.... Now I often find myself grouchy, short tempered, irritable, negative in general, and I plot and plan to try to predict/avoid BM's next insane outburst because I have found by wasting all this time it actually is better than being blindsided - it's a no win situation. UUUUUUUUGGGGGGH.....six and a half more years, maybe old SillyGilly will return....

DaizyDuke's picture

I can see why people engaged in war become sub-human, and begin to become like the enemy
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Yes! Katrinkie had a good post about this last week too. I used to be the most happy go-lucky person you could know... nothing ever bothered me and then a cheating (now ex) husband sent me into a tail spin.

But, then I met (my now) DH and things seemed to look up, how could I be so lucky to find such a great guy? Well lucky me, I got a great guy with not one but TWO psycho BM's. If one is not causing drama the other one is.. it never ends. I feel like I am always on edge waiting for the next big event. I can honestly say that I never in my life said that I HATE someone until I had to deal with these bitches and sometimes I hate MYSELF for the thoughts I think. I actually said one day that "I wish they would just die" and then I cried.. how could I be such a horrible person... doesn't that make me just like them?

At any rate, I feel for you and I think ALOT of others here do to. Keep your chin up... we are NOT the bad guys Sad

stepmasochist's picture

Yes, stepparenthood has definitely taken its toll on me as a person. I recently got a new license and the difference in the pictures of just four years is disturbing. I look so run down now when before I was so cute and happy looking. It saddens me greatly.

on the fence's picture

I remember! just having a BF with kids is sad. Great guy, and we want to spend the rest of my life with him, but the stress of those kids is enough to make it not worth it. I'm just wondering now if we'll survive the holidays because of it. I used to love holidays and now I dread them. It's very sad.

SteppingUp's picture

YES...circa about two weeks ago! My hard feelings toward BM started leaking into my own ways of acting....I felt like I was turning into something I'd never been before.

I think life in general is like that -- when you get consumed by something it is easy to lose yourself. It happens in relationships, with work, etc, every day with everyone. We need to constantly evaluate ourselves and decide what good traits we want to keep of our personality and what we should work hard to get rid of...it's all a process! Smile