You are here

I'm so P@#$@# at H right now

ferretmom's picture

At therapy today (he has to go 3 days a week) H started whining that he wished we could have had a baby together. Dr. asks me how I felt and I told the truth. There is no way I would have a child with H. I figured that the best way to tell him this was while we were in session. Dr. wants to know why I feel this way. I tell him that H is too controlling as it is and would be worse if I were ever to have gotten pregnant. H had already said that if this had happened he would monitor everything I did, everything I ate, take total control of my life. How crazy is that? Then when you add in sd to the whole mess, my life would be absolute misery. So there I am trying to explain this to the dr. and H has one of his hissy fits. Boo Hoo his feelings are hurt that I don't want him to control me. Now he's not speaking to me because he says I don't believe in him and don't trust him. Well DUHH, of course not, at least not any more. Sorry for the rant but sometimes I feel like this is the only place where I can express how I really feel.

Comments

livingontheedge's picture

I have thought the same thing myself about my BF. When we first got together about 3 years ago we both talked about having a child together. However, BF wanted to do this by a certian time, like before he turned 45 (too late). And about 2 years ago I did get pregnant but ended up having an ectopical pregnancy. I look back now and honestly think that things happen for a reason. If BF asked me today about wanting to have a baby with him I would have to tell him no. I dont want to have a baby with someone I really dont think I want to spend the rest of my life with, someone who does not agree with me on parenting issues and someone who I feel has no respect for me. I have to deal with my exH now because we have children and I dont want another ex to deal with because I'm bond by a child.

TinaKay's picture

Its not what you say but how you say it... choose your words carefully. Sometimes its almost better to hold back some and instead of blasting them, just cover it lightly with the general jist.
I would feel the same for sure but I sure wouldn't blast them... and give them ammo to throw back at me. I'd get a tubal and not tell my husband if I really felt that way and not give them any options about it.

I am sure glad I can't have kids because I had a hysterecomomy and its sure a great thing to not even have to think about it.

Sasha's picture

Well, since I don't know exactly what she said or how she said it, I won't address that part. However, if you can't sit in a counselor's office and be totally honest about issues, then what's the point of counseling in the first place?

ferretmom's picture

I didn't blast him or say anything wrong. For years I've held back and not said anything to H about how I really feel. He's the kind of person that if you disagree with him no matter how wrong he is he gets mad. The only right opinions are his, he's always right and the rest of the world is wrong. He is a master at turning your words back on you and making it all about sd and him. For instance I said I love snapdragons, simple statement, didn't really mean anything except I think they are pretty. He turned that into how I'm ungrateful and didn't like the roses he got me yada yada yada. He hasn't bought me flowers in 7yrs so I can't figure out where this is coming from. Then he turns it into how I don't like sd and how mean I am. This is only part of what we are trying to work on in therapy. If I was trying to hurt him I'd tell him to grow a pair and act like a grown man. He has to learn that I'm a person and I have a right to my own opinions and feelings.

Sasha's picture

That's pretty convoluted thinking. Or as I call it...obtuse.

He's pretty touchy, isn't he? And it sounds like he perceives everything as a personal criticism.

Yeesh...it's like walking on eggshells spread over a layer of glass shards!

Endora's picture

My ex husband!!!!! I feel badly for you-nothing like having all the life sucked out of you and being blamed for everything including current events!

My ex husband was assaulted by one of our many councelor's-he really knew how to push people's buttons-hope your H is not that bad!

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

ferretmom's picture

I think of it as trying to walk through a mine field blindfolded. Yesterday I said that I was thinking of getting my hair cut short and he interpreted that as "I don't love you and don't care what you think." I mean it's my hair and I get tired of the high maintenance it takes. It's dozens of things that gets on my nerves and honestly hurts me. I know all his likes and dislikes and go out of my way to do nice things for him to show him I love him. But he can't even remember that I don't like peanut butter cups. I don't throw that up to him. Yet he thinks if I don't like the same things as him or think the same as him that it's a personal attack on him. I get soooo tired of living his way and not having a say about anything.

ferretmom's picture

He tried to reason with him and explain that everyone has the right to have an opinion of their own. But H stubbed up and refused to listen. I see years of therapy before it starts to help.

sweetthing's picture

my asking what kinds of meds they have him on. My DH is on Depakote, Lithium & an antdepressant. I can't imagine dealing with him if he wasn't medicated.

ferretmom's picture

He has been on Depakote for a while because of seizures, an antidepressant and Metoprolol for his blood pressure. He was on a high cholesterol med but the dr took him off of it because it was causing too many other problems. I know it will take a while to find the right combination and balance but it's hard to deal with. I wish they would hurry up and get it right.

sweetthing's picture

Geodon & lamictal when I met him & it worked great, Then he went nuts the week after our son was born and the last two years has been tinkering with the meds. It's hard. They had him on Abilify for a while it is horribly expensive even with a good RX plan & gave my husband uncontrollable tremors. After several months of being off that they have now stopped. Don't let them suggest that for your DH.

Is this Dr going to try cognitive therapy at all? They say it is helpful all though my DH has swoon off therapy for a while & works mainly with his psychitrist on medication management.

I think we need a special section for Step moms with bipolar or BPD husbands/stepchildren/bio moms.

ferretmom's picture

I agree, no one really understands until they go through it themselves. Several years ago my bm told me I was depressed and needed to go on meds. She even threatened to take my kids if I didn't. So I have my dr. recommend someone and go see them. He asks me what's wrong and I tell him I can't sleep, can't eat, and cry a lot. He then wants to know what has been going on in my life so I tell him my Father had just died, left my husband and filed for divorce and that my BFF had passed away 2 days before. He then tells me I'm not depressed I'm grieving and all I need is someone to talk to and maybe a stiff drink. It's pretty bad that I had to pay someone to listen to me talk and cry but it was worth it. That's the biggest difference between me and H. If I know I have a problem I get help, he won't admit that there is anything wrong with him. He and sd are perfect. :sick:

Catlover's picture

DH and I had BD1, and don't get me wrong she is the light of my life and I wouldn't go back for the world . BUT I have to say that my issues that I had both with DH and skids got a lot more intense after she came along. Suddenly, all those crappy annoyances that I could shrug off and distance myself from hit me front and center. We now have a lot more to fight about, mostly because I stand up for BD and the way I want her to be raised (which is very different than skids). I had to laugh at your comment about being depressed. About 6 months after BD was born, DH lost his job, BM went back on the crazy train, we ended up in a major court battle w/BM over skids, and I had a major death in the family. I, too was very emotional. DH had the gall to say that I was in "postpartum depression". Hang in there. Sometimes a stiff drink is well earned!

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

some of our neanderthal husbands seem to think that telling a woman he wants her to have his baby is just the biggest compliment in the world.

Not.

Sure he want you to have his baby. Because then he'll feel more secure that you will have to stay, regardless of his actions.

Ah, well. You can always cry to us, girlfriend.