Torn up and breaking down

Maybe men handle rejection better than women, maybe I need to get therapy but I am having a hard time living like this. SD is definitely getting to me and I hate that, no way should an 18 year old hold power over my feelings but it is what it is. I can't seem to let it stop bothering me that she is ignoring me, he says just let it go, why does it affect you so much. It doesn't seem to bother him in the least bit yet i'm in tears and wondering if i should leave and give up and let her have it all. It really bothers me as i write out mortgage payments, utility payments, college paperwork that I have invested so much in her over the years only to be tossed aside. Holidays will not be shared with DH's family because of her and her badmouthing me. It's like living with the enemy and paying for them. If i'm so horrible that you tell everyone who will listen, why am i paying for the roof over your head and your college education.

So glad I have to work today, I need some hard labor to get out of my own head. I laid awake for hours last night trying to figure out how to run away, you can have the house, the contents and my paycheck, almost ready to leave it all behind..........except I love DH more than i've ever loved anyone.

So torn

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That sucks honey, its so easy

That sucks honey, its so easy to say 'don't worry theyl come around' but that's not always the case. She is loosing out by not having a good relationship with you. Maybe u need to have some girly time away on a regular basis. just a couple of hours for yourself. Sounds like u deserve it!!!

The only thing that gets me

The only thing that gets me through the rejection of my Skids AND my own kids (because it truly isn't limited to those you aren't blood-related to)is to be the better nicer kinder person with boundaries.

Consider the checks for college your way of charity albeit you cannot claim it against your taxes as a writeoff. You are supplying her with the tools to better herself. If she throws it back well no one can say you didn't do your part. Sorta like signing up for some overseas sponsor agency where you send money and seldom hear from the child you have sponsored.

You cannot change the way you were treated in the past. But you can change the way she affects you in the future. When she badmouths people about you gently remind them that often 18 yr old think they have all the answers and it is easy to do when you have someone else paying your way. When she is rude to your face tell her that she is welcome to relocate to her own place when she can afford it. And seriously, her father should be reigning her in and telling her to knock off the crap or she is out the door on her own in 3 months. Christmas or no Christmas.

I feel you. 3 of 4 skids live

I feel you. 3 of 4 skids live with DH and I and I for the most part am treated like crap. All I am is the bank, cook, chauffeur. They throw me under the bus in front of BM any chance they get and DH thinks I'm overly dramatic about it and I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings. Well hell it does hurt my feelings when I'm paying for band dues, cell phones, anything and everything school-related plus all utilities and the mortgage and I get screamed at by a 12 yo and BM cuz I won't let said 12yo wear her pajamas out in public and make her wear pants!

I feel you. 3 of 4 skids live

You owe absolutely NOTHING to

You owe absolutely NOTHING to this 18 yr. old snot. Disengage NOW!

Listen, we actively teach people how to treat us, unconsciously or not. You are tired of how she treats you... well, you can not change HER behavior but, you can change how YOU react to it. Stop being so decent to her. If DH can't understand or is unwillingly to hold HER accountable for her thoughtless and emotionally abusive behavior, then he should STFU about it and let YOU decide how to proceed in whatever way is most comfortable for YOU. Bottom line is this... You want the situation to change? Then change it. She can only take your power, if you're willing to give it to her. For now, take a deep breath, regroup, and formulate a new plan of defense.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your support, its amazing that complete strangers treat me better than my SD. It's not that she treats me badly anymore, she literally ignores me. She is only home when I am not and comes in after I'm in bed. If we are home at the same time she literally stays in her room until she hears me go into my room or leave. It's as though we have a boarder in our home. Most days I'm strong and say "screw it" but sometimes it really gets to me, like last night and today. I just can't get past the fact that I am being ignored in my own home. We used to have a decent relationship, shopping trips, girly time, family vacation and holidays and now that is all gone. My future with my inlaws and DH's family (always a decent relationship before) is gone, thanks to her words to them. We finally have a beautiful home after renting for years and hubby and i sit her alone, inlaws won't visit, SD gone while we are here, I feel very lonely. I never know when she will be home or not and the anxiety that creates is crazy. She has two chores, clean her bathroom and clean her bedroom and she constantly doesn't do that. I go into her room in my brand new house and it is a disaster, her bathroom is no better. I signed up for her to receive my university discount (significant savings over 4 years of $50,000) and she tells me "no thanks" when I tell her I need access to the financial documents for a Tax Credit we can we receive on our income tax. She feels its "dumb" that we get money back for supporting her thru college. So much has happened that has permanently changed my life because of her words and actions that it's hard to stop looking back at what was.

You can't move forward if

You can't move forward if you're rooted in the past. I'm sure she has done alot of damage and I'm sure her ignoring you in your own home is difficult. (Personally, I would have found that a blessing, lol.) TBH, I don't think you should help her with college. She doesn't want to participate in your life, stop participating in hers. Sometimes a little tough love is required. Why would you want to help someone who will show absolutely no appreciation? From what you explain, she won't even acknowledge it. So, don't do it. You don't owe her OR your in-laws anything. You have tried to be decent and your decency has been met with bad behavior (it seems on many people's parts.) Let's see her struggle on her own and I bet her attitude will change. If it doesn't, then you've lost nothing, right?

I'd say 70% if the time

I'd say 70% if the time SS16's passive hostility doesn't bother me. But some days it really does. And the worst thing my SO can do is try to minimize my hurt feelings.

What does help is I don't pay for SS. I pay my fair share of expenses and that's it. I do nothing for him. But not everyone can be as disengaged as I am, it's not practical, or it's just not their reality.

Just know that your feelings are valid and if you can find a way of contributing less, financially and otherwise to your SD that might help. I find the less I do for SS the less resentful I feel. If you are the breadwinner, though, I understand financial disengagement might not be easy. But maybe you could disengage in other ways?

Step aside wrote a good post

Step aside wrote a good post recently about trying not to take stepchildren's behaviour so personally. Unfortunately it's much harder to cope when you have to live with the attitude and behaviour 24/7. All I can say is I understand. I understand the anger and hurt and frustration, not just with the stepchild, but with the bio parent who was willing to accept your huge investment in his child, but then expects you to simply write it off without being affected when the relationship sours or is withdrawn altogether. 'Just let it go' is the catchphrase of the bio parent who can't or won't change his child's behaviour, and frankly it shows a colossal lack of empathy to believe you should be able to get over it, especially when the rude alienating behaviour still exists in your home. Why does he not tell SD to 'let it go', probably for the same reason that my DH can't get my SS16 to get over it - he tacitly tolerated the negative attitude for so long that it is too late to turn it around. As onefootout comments, it makes the whole thing that much harder to move past when DH behaves as though it's your problem for not being able to get over it, rather than giving you the unstinting reassurance and understanding that would actually help you move on. But, you deserve to be happy, you have one life and its short, you have to find a way to rise above (at least most of the time) or rise right on out of that house to somewhere else. Had you considered therapy as a way of venting your feelings and finding strategies for dealing with things?

Thank you, you said exactly

Thank you, you said exactly how I feel very well. It is almost worse when DH says "get over it". Just because he has "gotten over it" doesn't mean it's that easy for me. I would love to get over it and move on and like I said previously some days are easier than others. I do think perhaps him and I need to see a counselor. We have a good marriage but this is creating all kinds of issues and concerns. Perhaps a third party could help us both to understand where each other is coming from.

I have not taken the discount

I have not taken the discount away because we are currently not paying CS for SS15 (he lives with his mom now because we had rules and chores and he couldn't handle it). It was set up that neither BP pays CS because we each have one child. Now that SD is 18, DH is concerned (as am I) that if we take the college discount away from SD, then her BM will try to collect CS. Basically it's blackmail. And she is such a witch I would not put it past her. However, I have made it 100% clear to DH that I will not provide any tax information for SD to complete her FAFSA when her deceased grandmothers money runs out (she inherited $12,000) and I will not provide anything else for her. If she quits college and decides to go back at a later time I will not re-sign the paperwork for the discount again. And SS15 will never even be offered the college discount.

Thank you so much!!! I can't

Thank you so much!!! I can't even express how much your post means to me. I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and she said that I am spending so much time and effort trying to be quiet and stay out of SD's way that perhaps it is time for me to blow, to let it all out and let the chips fall where they may. I have a co-dependent background and went to years of therapy for it with my ex so I am constantly battling those demons and this SD is a huge trigger. I am learning to express myself better to hubby at the very least and asked him the other day why I have to get over it yet he doesn't say a word to the Princess and that he makes it 1000 times worse when he doesn't validate my feelings. He is an amazing man but he and SD do not do confrontation well at all. SD's answer to any confrontation is whatever and hubby tends to ignore issues but I have decided that I will stand up for myself and I will say how I feel should the opportunity arise. My goal is to remain calm, and articulate (not completely blow up even though I want to) and clearly express to both of them how I feel. The other night I was ready to pack my bags and leave. You said it so well, I do not enjoy living with someone who shuns me. I do know the day will come that she will need something and I look forward to that day to be able to calmly explain to her why I will no longer be there for her. I will throw her grams words into her face "You are not my kid".

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Torn up and breaking down

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