Yet another installment. Again, I begin by saying that anyone just stumbling upon this blog might be confused without having read the previous posts.

My then-boyfriend and I broke our lease at the rental house in the suburbs after only 6 months. Many things led to this, including the dead rabbit and my dad's passing, but I won't go into all of them. I moved back into town with my sons, as did he and his daughter.

He and I weren't really broken up, yet we weren't really together. I don't know; so many things had happened and changed....I guess I just needed space. *shrug*

Now here's something weird.

I had told the man that I knew of a small apartment complex by a certain elementary school...and that I wanted to move into it. The school was AWESOME; great staff, small classes, and right across the street from the apartment building I liked...so I could be right there if the kids needed me. The neighborhood was one of the best, and yet the rent was very reasonable.

I knew about the place because I'd lived in that 'hood before as a teenager. In fact....I'd met HIM and his ex wife in that area.

ANYWAY, my sons and I had to move in with their dad/my ex hubby for about a month until I had money enough for the deposits and rent. My ex-hubby is a great guy, really good dad and friend, so this wasn't an issue. My sort-of-boyfriend took his daughter and stayed at the bio mom's grandmother's.

I spoke with the boyfriend about 2 weeks later, and he'd found an apartment. I was pretty excited for him, and asked if I could come see his new place. He said I could. I ask if he could give me directions, and he said there was no need....because it was at the apartment complex I'd told him about.

????

OK, kind weird. I asked why he picked that one, and he said it was because I'd talked about the school being so great. I then asked, "Are you sure you weren't just following me?" I was half-joking and half-not, but I didn't say it meanly.

He answered, "Oh I knew about that place even before you told me about. It's not like I moved there because of you or something."

Uh-huh. I let that one go.

So, the month was up and I had my money for the apartment. We moved in to the adorable place and set up house. For a living, I worked from home doing different things. I babysat my nephew full time, and was going to watch another boy after school once it started up. I also did some assembly stuff at home for a local button making company...one of the weirdest jobs ever. But I digress.

My BF came to me and asked that I watch his daughter after school. He would pay me, he said, and it could be like another job...plus she and I could still be in each other's lives.

Even after the other crap that'd gone on, I felt for her and loved her, so I said OK.

Here's a list of what went on during those two years at the apartment when I was basically her nanny (it didn't turn out to be just after school care, you see):

1. During the first couple of months of kindergarten, the girl punched another child for refusing to hug her. The hit was pretty bad, and the girl was sent to a "special" school for a day to straighten her out.

2. She was caught pulling her pants down behind the complex in front of 5 other children.

3. Began lying constantly.

4. Was in constant trouble at school. I mean destroying property, never listening, losing her stuff along with the stuff of others, back talking every day...in general, running amok.

5. Began breaking my sons' stuff at home. "It was an accident" over and over.

6. Started to hurt/hit my kids, this was always an accident.

7. Talking constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY. Then there were the crying jags when nothing had provoked her. Her room was a total disaster, and once when I went to her apartment and helped her clean it, I found smeared poop on the bathroom wall. (I almost died when I saw that)

8. Bad grades. Very bad grades.

I wrote all this down and insisted that her dad talk to her doctor about it. Her medical doc, not her therapist.

Long story short, she was diagnosed with ADD and put on medication. This helped a lot. For a long time, I thought things were going to be normal.

And for the second time everything was good for a while. Long enough, in fact, that after a year of calm and cool we all got another place together. He and I were happy again, she and my youngest got along really well (the oldest never forgave the rabbit incident), and I thought everything would be OK.

Her Bio mom still wasn't around, either. The girl began calling me mom a lot, too. I didn't know if I should let her, but her dad was OK with it and so was she.

Her shrink even said that unless anything major arose again, he felt it was OK to stop seeing her. Sure, she was not without issues, and the bunny thing bothered the hell out of him....but that had been years ago, he said, and she'd turned it around for the most part.

I thought she should have kept going, but who was I? Her dad's GF and her nanny/care taker, nothing more. *shrug*

So, three years (gosh...maybe closer to 4?) after the bunny, we moved in together again. At that place there were incidents here and there, more annoying stuff than anything horrible. She'd do ridiculous stuff like walking up and down stairs with roller skates on her feet....stuff that made you wanna smack your own head and think WTF? She was still breaking my sons' stuff occasionally, too, but we fixed that by making her replace what was broken with her own money. Her grades still weren't perfect, but it seemed like she was trying.

See? It was pretty normal. I let my guard down.

That was around the time we got a call from school. The girl had been caught half-naked in the bathroom with another half-naked girl...and they were on the floor together.

I have to say, I had no idea what I was supposed to do with THAT. We asked her why she would do that at all, much less in public. We told her that being naked with someone was for grown-ups. Blah, blah, blah, all the normal stuff you're supposed to say. She didn't really have much to say on that topic, though. Her explanation was that the girl was taking her pants off, so she did, too.

Was this a "show me yours, I'll show you mine" thing? Was it an indication of something deeper? Hell if I knew. I'd never gone through it.

We called the shrink, and he said that while it was concerning, we shouldn't panic unless it happened again. He said that would be more telling than an isolated incident of bad judgment.

Several months went by....mostly without trouble. Just those little things she normally did.

Our lease was almost up at that apartment, and the dad and I began to talk about what we would do next. Outside of one pretty weird bump (bathroom incident), things had been OK, and he wondered if we shouldn't stay in the same place.

In my infinite wisdom (lol), I went a step further, and asked if we should buy a house. To my surprise, he agreed.

We talked to the kids about it, too, and they thought that sounded great. Even the oldest, who couldn't stand my BF's daughter. I think the idea of having a back yard trumped the girl he didn't like.

And so, we bought a house. A pretty little 3 br/2 bath on a corner lot in a decent neighborhood.

Then everything went to shit. I mean total SHIT. But that's for another post.

I am going to say a few things about some other stuff now. Mostly about me, about my life, and facts I've left out.

My oldest son was diagnosed with Asperger's Autism when he was about 6 years old. We've worked really hard and long together, and he has grown to be a lovely young man. I mention this because it's important for people to know that while all of that other stuff was going on with the girl, I had a whole different world in which I had to teach a kid to read facial expressions, and to understand tone of voice. I had to teach him why it's good to be social. Can you imagine living in a world like his? Everyone else was a stranger to him, and their "ways" a constant mystery.

I had to work with his school to make sure he got the right teachers, classes, and that the staff knew of his condition. A child with "AS" is fascinating, yet rather a handful at that age in the classroom. There was therapy for him, too, and doctor appointments with our GP, and tests, etc.

Sometimes he would have outbursts at school. There were times when I'd be called once a day, every day, for weeks on end to help him calm down. No one else could really "get to him" mentally.

So yeah, between my darling son and my BF's little girl, my hands were full. Thank goodness my youngest was spared AS and ADD. I might have gone mad having three special needs kids to care for.

I know that was sort of unrelated. It's just that when I look back....I don't know how I've been here this long. Christ I don't know how. How did I balance it? I certainly don't have a cape or any super powers.

I'm getting angry as I type this.

I am so angry at myself. I fell for those calm times, and here I am, stuck in the muck with my kids along for the ride.

I wanted to fucking help her, but what about the BF? Couldn't he see that between my oldest child's issues and having a second that needed me too he was putting a lot on me? Couldn't he see that I was biting off more than I could chew? I feel like she got thrust upon me....through my own stupid sensitivity, through chance, through some crazy, twisted turn of events...and what happened to my life?

Oh G*d, I'm just so tired. I am 33 years old....and I've basically been her mom since she was 5 or so. She is 14 now....AND I WANT TO KNOW WHEN IT WILL GET BETTER.

Fuck! When will she MEAN it when she says she loves me? When will she not make me cry like I am now? When will the light come on in her that shows her how she's been isn't right? When will her dad stop blowing me off, and telling me I am making too much of things?

When will he trust me?

I need to go lay down now. I'm sorry.