I am so sorry I don't even want to give advice on that one as I would also be totally stumped and not know which direction to go. I have followed your story and tried to imagine what I would do and I honestly don't know. Maybe after 3 or 4 years of crap I would just walk without a word but I try to imagine after 10 years would I do the same?

If you talk with her I can imagine she will break down and tell you she loves you, due to her need for attention but my fear is would be all fake and leave you feeling more guilt and harp you decision to go.

If you don't she will still pull the attention card saying that my SM who has been the only mother I knew walked out on me...Geez honey, I don't envy your position here. Maybe you have already given enough to this little girl and you should leave it to her dad to explain to her or tell him that she is welcome call or write should she need closure. Your boys deserve you and a better life now and you need to do whatever makes you feel ok. If you can't stand to leave without talking to her then do it, if you can't bear the thought of anymore emotional trauma then don't.

I know I haven't been much help but I do wish you and your boys all the best. And rest assured you HAVE done all that you can, one person can only give so much when they get little or nothing in return.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

...or a version of it, anyway. I think the main reason isn't so much the problems with her as it is her father's refusal to really deal with it, right? So you tell her the same thing that all divorcing parents tell their children:

It's not your fault, it's a grown-up decision that we grown-ups have made due to the fact that we have developed differences in how we want to live our lives. We feel ourselves being pulled in different directions and it's not fair to anyone for us to stay together when being together just makes us miserable. We just don't want the same things, anymore.

And maybe you do it by letter, rather than in person, so you don't get sucked back in. I'm so angry at your DH right now for saying what he said to you. What a guilt trip! How is it that he can accuse you of abandoning her when he's the one who actually abandoned her years ago by not getting her all the help she needs? In my opinion, HE and HE ALONE is the one who really let her down here and you know what? He's probably quaking in his shoes right now, because now he'll have to deal with her all alone. Stay strong!

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

I was with a lady for 4 years -- living together with her for 31 months. When we first split in May, my ex gf had me talk to the boy (they are 10 year old male twins)who had the temper tantrum. It got nowhere. I asked him if constantly screaming at people is okay at school; if tearing up things at school would get him punished; if he was allowed to curse at grown ups at school was okay -- and if it wasn't why should it be okay at home?

Long story short, his response was that I should "spend more time with them and do more things with them." I had went to more baseball; soccer and basketball games than their biological dad ever had. I picked them up from school for 3 years while ex gf was attending nursing school at night. I flat out asked him if he would hang around another kid at school who treated him that way -- the answer was no.

A decision to stay together or to split up is never, ever an easy one -- but it involves the adults. The children's behavior may influence it, but "explaining" to the kids just doesn't seem to go anywhere. Least it didn't in my case. We tried to stay friends, even tried to date for a while. The boys continued their 2-3 hour temper tantrums. We broke up two more tmes after May.

I like other peoples comments that the person who has to deal with the problem on a front line basis is their biological parents. When we marry someone or move in its not with the thought that the relationship will fall apart, but sometimes it does. I don't see how talking to SD would do anything but help ease your mind -- which might end up with you getting walked all over again right away.

Life as an adult often teaches us that to many questions we never find answers. Might be a good thing too, sometimes the answers are in the mirror we look at each morning.

You might be best in letting DH handle the situation. Realize you might be portrayed as the really bad person in this whole thing though.

i think a version of the truth is the right thing to do as well. i dont think that this girl should be able to carry a 'pity card' for this split, but also shouldnt have to carry around any guilt that would result from feeling like she was the sole reason for the break up. i think that a letter could be a good idea as long as you spell it out for her so that she would not be interpretting things in any different way than you mean if she sits down and analyzes every little thing that you wrote. i hope that you do not let them make you feel guilty. they will say anything to get you to stay, but for your sake and your kids, i say get out. you gave a lot more than most people would have or could have.

It seems to me that the lashing out from DH comes from a scared person. He is hitting you with the guilt card because he is realizing that he will now have to actually step up to the plate! Don't let his lashing make you feel guilty.

I don't know about talking to your SD. My first instinct is no. My second is no. My third is maybe - you and DH can talk with her together, but for some reason, I am thinking you should not talk to her alone at this point. Maybe talk with a counselor first? A counselor might have some good ideas on how to approach the discussion or if you should even have one.

This is such a hard place to be - and like everyone else posting on this - I think you have given everything, and then some. Don't let them guilt you into anything.

Hi,

One thing I've realised recently (God knows it took long enough, and me with a high IQ too!) - it doesn't matter HOW GOOD YOU ARE at being a step-parent, even if you were perfect, they'd still find reason to fault you. Why? Because it's easier than facing the truth - in particular, my partner finds it easier to see me as the enemy than to admit his precious kids are a liability. He sounds off at me - and it is stuff he should say to his Ex - my counsellor said he is projecting it onto me. Sounds like your other half is doing that to you. Like I said in an earlier post to one of yours (Part 9 I think) - you are right, your conscience is clear. If you do anything at all, write to her DAD saying what you think you did and he didn't, and tell him he can explain it however he thinks fit. Like I say, it doesn't matter- he and his family will interpret what happens in the way that causes least distress - they will not turn round and say "She's right, we are the guilty ones" it just isn't going to happen. You've done all you could, and you have got out because you had to preserve your own SELF and your own kids. At some point you must put yourself first or you train your kids not to have any self-esteem. If your other half had supported you then you would not have left. Do not blame yourself, do not take on whatever cr*p he throws at you, and just remember - those of us who've been there, know what it's like and we know how others (who should know better) treat us so we know what you've been through and we empathise. So, keep in your apartment and do your thing for you and yours, and OK, so money might be tight, but you tried hard and you tried for a long time to do right by this child, more than either parent has, and just make time for your kids and YOU. As I also said, if HE wants to see you - well, HE is welcome. Not her or any other of his family. And don't subject your Ex or parents to the SD either. Let him toilet train her, or not!!!!!