I need help
How do you let things go that happened in the past but you never received closure on them and never will.
I will give an example. I was out of town with youngest BD for a few days. Came home and DH informed me that oldest BD (age 10) called him a jerk. He told her that if she did it again, he would spank her.
Frankly, DH CAN BE a jerk. I don't excuse BD by any stretch of the imagination. But I don't think spanking her is the right way to handle it, as she is just learning from the best (her father). When he gets mad at someone (including our kids), he says the most hateful things he can think of to hurt them. He has cursed at BD10, quite recently (last weekend). He has said inexcusible things to me. Nobody hit HIM.
So I flash back to all the years with SD when she called me every name in the book and never got ANY punishment. I tell DH I don't think he's being fair, I think he's knee jerk being WAY harder on BD10 because of how SD turned out. This, of course, turns into a fight. Evidently he was OK with SD calling me names, because he thought I should deal with that myself. But I wasn't allowed to deal with it, he would always get in the middle and defend SD. One time SD said she would call me a c*&t but that word is TOO GOOD for me.
DH says what SD20 did to me is "in the past" and I shouldn't be bringing it up now. Maybe he's right, but it's still seared in my brain and I guess I have a hard time letting go. How can I do this to save my sanity when nobody (not DH nor SD) admitted what she did to me was wrong or ever did (or will) apologize for it?
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I tried getting him to talk
I tried getting him to talk about a more effective consequence for BD than spanking. I also do not agree she should call people names. But he refuses to consider anything besides a spanking and says I should back him up. And if I don't, there is something wrong with me (in essence). And I shouldn't dwell in the past. Blah blah blah.
I went and talked to BD10 and she admitted she was wrong and was nearly in tears when I explained to her that she shouldn't say mean things in anger to hurt people because once something is said, even if you apologize, it's hard for that person to forget. She gets it, she may do it again, but I don't think spanking is the right way to deal with the problem. But DH refuses to compromise in any way.
Have you pointed out how
Have you pointed out how hypocritical he is? He can't control his own mouth and swears at his ten yr old daughter and says foul things to his wife when he's angry....but thinks the children deserve to be hit when they emulate his own behavior?
Dear old dad needs to look in the mirror and see where bd is getting this behavior from. Maybe is punishment should be you get to hit him with a stun gun every time he speaks to one of you rudely. See how just he thinks physical punishment is if he's held to the same standard.
Yes, I pointed out that BD10
Yes, I pointed out that BD10 is seeing him act that way, so it's no wonder she does the same thing. He says he understands what I am saying, but he still maintains he will spank her. I guess it's easier to punish her than for him to model better behavior.
Ten,years old is too old to
Ten,years old is too old to spank imo. Please don't let him, it will humiliate her!!
To me a spanking is a swat when you are little, and touch the hot stove ... It ends when reason will work instead.
I think you should get in his face and say, don't ever, ever!!! touch my child or you will regret it.
Let him feel some mental anxiety over wondering what that means!! but don't tell him .. let his imagination do that!!!
I can verify that SD called
I can verify that SD called DH much worse names than jerk TO HIS FACE and he did nothing to her. Not that I want BD to turn out like SD, I definitely don't, but it's amazing how he can cut a mile of slack for SD and not a couple of feet for BD.
I don't think you do ever get
I don't think you do ever get over some of this stuff. The wounds of SP can be deep and those that have caused them never seem to take any responsibility for them. I haven't seen or heard from my SD20 in 1.5 years, but I still read steptalk and I will follow a lot of people that had SD's of a similar age because I can't forget and don't want to forget. As a SP, and especially a SM, it seems everyone says you have to put up with the bad behavior and mistreatment "for the kids". That is BS, I'm never putting up with this again and I will not just excuse SD's actions as all other adults in her life have done. If she ever rears her head again, the sins will still be there to answer for.
Sometimes I think coming to ST keeps it all alive for me, in both a positive and negative way. I don't ever want to forget what happened with SD so reading steptalk keeps it fresh. Sometimes the passage of time makes things not seem so bad after all. I don't want to face a time with SD tries to re-enter our life without having to make-up or demonstrate real change for all the pain she caused. DH almost never speaks her name and has repressed everything to do with SD. We have no contact now, but I worry he will at some point remember with rose colored glasses the SD-years.
On the other hand, ST has made me very cynical about the entire SP experience and the lines I would draw on behavior would be very different if I had found it earlier.
If you DH is going to use his SD experience to change his parenting with BD's then you need to hang onto the memories and experiences so he doesn't create a double standard that is ridiculously high.
I think it was just one of
I think it was just one of those flashbacks where you immediately get your back up and think, "Hmmm, so it's OK for SD to call me a c*&t but NOT OK for BD to call him a jerk." No contest regarding the degree of severity of those two remarks OR the lack of punishment for the one that was MUCH worse.
I think the problem is I have spanked BD occasionally, usually only if she is WAY over the top and nothing else is working, but even then it is only a swat or two on the rear to get her attention. So I can't say I'm against spanking altogether. I guess I'm just against spanking when BD is just doing what she sees her dad do all the time, and he doesn't have a consequence. She needs to be taught a better way, not punished for emulating her dad, in my opinion.
hey vickmeister! I lurk every
hey vickmeister! I lurk every few days to see what is going on, but I usually don't got to the trouble to actually login unless I feel moved to reply. Things dramatically improved once SD showed her true colors to DH and his family. Now we never speak her name and we don't see or hear from her. Sometimes I worry she will show up in a few years as a meth addicts with several children, but things are much better than they were a few years ago. Besides she would have to know where we live and we have moved since the incommunicato phase began and we didn't know where to find her to let her know. Light at the end of the SP tunnel- hope your skid screws up so badly that DH writes them off and you can just move on with your life!