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His or Her Home?

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 11:57am

I have been on this site for about 2 1/2yrs. 1/2 yr lurking and two years posting.
It seems to be that there are several issues that could be resolved if it was not her or his home.

When we move in with our DH's and his kids. They already have a comfort there. Us and our kids are the outsiders. No wonder we do not feel like there is a place for us and we don't fit in. Habits, routines, and territories have been established.

I told my FDH that I would have never agreed to leave my home and us buy another one together before being on this site. I love my home, it is where my BioD grew up. But honestly I would give it up if he felt it would be better for him and the kids if we started fresh.

The relationships are like my fish tank. When I introduce new fish into the tank, I move all the rock and plants around. Everyone in the tank is uncomfortable, and all the fish have to establish new territories. All the fish are on a even playing field.

Do you think you would have been better off not moving in with your DH or DW? But starting in a place that was new to everyone?

Comments

Hullabaloo's picture

Submitted by Hullabaloo on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 2:17pm

So glad to see other marine aquarium enthusiasts on here! We have 2 saltwater tanks and love having them. And agreed, life for me would have been much easier if we would have moved in somewhere together instead of me moving in with SO and SD.

We are planning on buying a house in the next 6 mos to a year, it will be interesting to see how the dynamic will change once we start fresh. I will say though, my SO has been wonderful about making me feel that this is my home just as much as it is theirs. I came home one day to find he had hung all of my pictures up around the house and incorporated a lot of my stuff around the house. But he's good like that.

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 2:33pm

Yes, love my tank. 150 gallon, the skids love it too! fsd12 wants a small one for her room when fdh and I get married in May. I told her no problem. I am glad she likes one of my hobbies:)

I own my house too, and I am glad they are moving into my house. But I would move if FDH felt it would be better. He loves my house and so do the skids so no drama there. We have dated for 4yrs so the skids have been coming over to my place for a long time. I have very firm house rules that I laid down from day one so not many issues in that department. I know the dynamic will change when they move in, but the basics are in place.

I have their school pics up and we even had a family picture taken last Christmas. My biod is grown so she think they are toys and they think she is cool because she comes into town and spoils them.

I would not want to feel like I didn't belong and I don't want them to either. Even though truthfully I am much happier when they are not there, and it is just me and fdh.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 12:25pm

DH moved in with me. Poor thing barely had any clothes as his 2nd wife had literally booted him out with nothing.

I'd had a condo gutted so really had boxes of my stuff waiting to be unpacked. There was nothing in the kitchen. I'd never really done more than camp there.

But I have to admit that I like knowing that I have the deed in my name.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 12:38pm

Ditto on the deed.

I moved here to be with DH. I had a house in the other city I lived in. We lived with DH in his apartment for a couple of months until the house I had built here could be finished then we moved in as one family (or so I thought). But only my name is on the mortgage/deed.

However, I've found that sometimes it runs much deeper than just moving into a new neutral territory home. My SK's were ingrained in having their dad all to themselves (that's the way it had been since they were babies, and at the time I met DH they were 9). So although I sensed a little bit of relief from moving out of HIS apartment into this home, the us/them, mine/yours mentality still exists.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 12:56pm

I-m so happy agreed

DH moved into my place, since he rented and mine was bought before the market tanked.
That was 5 years ago.
The us/them, mine/yours mentality still rears its ugly head from time to time - more of a family dynamic thing than a living arrangement thing.

we used to go over in-laws quite frequently w/ the skids (so they could have more space- ours is tiny and they've got lots of toys, pool, outside things, plus they've lived there forEVER so that's one stable location for the skids to have in their lives) and u could still feel that sort of feeling occasionally (i know FIL probably felt it more so than MIL- she spoils and coddles, so she was always 'in the circle')

basically what i'm trying to say is location is irrelevant, there will likely always be some sort of separation or territory issues creeping in from time to time.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 2:21pm

When DH asked me to move in with him, I told him when his lease was up in his and SD's apartment, we could get our OWN place. Until then, no deal. We maintained separate places for 6 mos even though it was a financial struggle plus I had to drive almost 90 minutes one-way to work where I was at.

There was no way I was moving into "their" place, even though it didn't have anything to do with BM. DH moved out when their marriage was over and got this bachelor apt about a half a mile away from BM. SD claimed it as "mine and daddy's place" and I knew it would only start shit if I moved in on "her" turf...

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Submitted by New second wife... on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 3:13pm

That was one of my biggest mistakes was moving into DH and SS's house that was also BM's.

DH said that I could do whatever I liked to make it more comfortable for me but no matter what I did (and sometimes DH didn't like it) I seemed to be reminded over and over that it was not my home.

DH felt like it was SS's home (and had been is whole life) so when I started changing things around it was disturbing to SS and so disturbed DH.

I am sure SS felt like I was an intruder because I immediately started putting my touches to it and erasing BM.

I did feel and sometimes still do that it belongs to DH and him only and I "am" the intruder. Sometimes he has made me feel that way and sometimes I think it will always be in the back of my mind that it was DH, BM and SS's house no getting around it.

Yes, I do think a couple should get their own place even if it means renting and just have a fresh start!