Skids always win (caution: pretty whiny)
It's getting increasingly frustrating for me to be reminded all the time about how SS13 will always come first. I recently posted about whether or not I want SS to come to the hospital after my DD is born. I don't. DH does want him to come. It caused a huge fight between the two of us and we ended up leaving it at seeing what happens on that day. But I'm pretty dead set against having SS come.
It's not that SS is a bad kid. He doesn't disrespect me and he seems to like me ok, I've just never bonded with him. The only kids I've ever really liked are my niece and nephew. I don't like being around SS, I don't like being reminded of him (by looking at his pictures all over our house), I don't like the amount of CS spent on him each month, I don't like the disruption I feel when he comes over for his weekend visits. I could go on and on.
Problem is, well that's tough s*** for me. There are so many reasons that my feelings don't get to matter. I'm the adult. I knew what I was getting into when I married DH. I knew what I was getting into when I got pregnant by DH. Skid was there first. Skid is DH's child. You all know the rest of 'em.
I just wish that it would be okay for me to occasionally say no to stuff that involves SS. That I could just say to DH "no, I don't want SS at the hospital" and he would be okay with it. Or "no, I don't want to hang up another picture of SS" and he could understand why. But any time I say something about not wanting to be with SS or be reminded of him, I'm this total bitch that hates his son. Can't I just get a damn break from him? Would it be okay if not everything revolved around him?
I guess I'm mainly just venting here. There's nothing that can be done to fix everything. That's also what's so frustrating...I'm completely powerless to change the situation. That is, if I still want to be with DH, which I do. I often wish I had never gotten involved with a man with a kid. My instincts told me not to go on that first date with him, but I did anyway. I grew to fall in love with him, THEN I met SS. Things probably would've been very different if I had met SS right away.
Ugh, sorry for the unfocused rant. Just wanted to get some stuff out. I could continue but I should probably stop at some point.
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Comments
"Would it be okay if not
"Would it be okay if not everything revolved around him?"
does not compute for guilty parents...
((hugs)) i'm so sorry for your frustration...
I'm so sorry you are so very
I'm so sorry you are so very frustrated. I hope that when your darling baby comes along she will help heal your heart and you can enjoy her. I have no advice, I'm sorry, but I just want you to know you are not alone and that even though all of here don't know you personally, we do care.
I think we all have to find a
I think we all have to find a way to accept what we can't change, and focus on what we can. Most parents want pictures of their kids up in their home. You can't control the cs. You can't control bm or her behavior. But you can and should make reasonable requests about things that affect you.
What you can control is how you react to all of it. You can choose to view the pictures in a negative light or to view them as a reminder that dh wants to be a good dad to his son, and that while he may let him get away with too much sometimes, he is doing his best in his own way to be a good parent. You can choose to view his paying cs as him doing his best to make sure his son has a good life. Bm may misuse it, but he is still doing his part for his son. You can ask him to go on the internet to download your state's forms to decrease cs as he'll now have another child to support.
You can and should request that ss not go to the hospital. Present it in a light that will benefit ss. Tell dh that ss, as a teen, will likely be bored at the hospital and would rather play video games or see his buddies. Therefore, he will likely bond more and better with the baby at home.
If you feel that resentment towards ss is holding you down, seek counseling. Your local YWCA and/or church can help you if money is an issue.
^^^All very good advice!
^^^All very good advice!
That is very good advice! I
That is very good advice! I try to think like that but it's so easy for me to get sucked back into the negative part of my brain that makes me wish it was just DH and me. But sometimes there's comfort in knowing that I don't have control and can just let things be and do the best I can. I guess it's really only comforting when I'm not obsessing about it too much.
I don't like the kid, that's
I don't like the kid, that's why I don't want him there. I only want people that I like and am comfortable around to come to the hospital. I never say no to times when DH wants to bring SS places, but this is the one time I'd like to be able to put my foot down and say no SS.
That's what I keep trying to
That's what I keep trying to tell myself.
I just hate leaving things hanging like that.
Umm, DH isn't the one who's
Umm, DH isn't the one who's being hospitalized. I wouldn't want SS coming to visit me if I was having my gall bladder removed or if I was recovering from a heart attack. Yes, of course DH and I created the child but at this point, this is my show. Sorry, if DH's "special snowflake" isn't someone I want to see at that time. He is more than welcome to meet his half sister once she comes home like most of her other relatives will be doing.
It's a sucky situation but DH's feelings on this subject don't get to trump mine. Unfortunately, there isn't really a compromise either because DH wants him there, I don't. Any "compromise" that involves SS being there is not a compromise at all, it's DH getting his way.
DH will get to make plenty of decisions regarding our child. Regarding my hospital stays, I get to make the decisions.
"No offense, but isn't a
"No offense, but isn't a child you have fulltime more important than a child you have EOWe?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LMAO!! Wow. I can't believe that someone actually typed that!!!
My DD does not live with me anymore. (married) I see her about once a week. My 20yr old son still lives with me. Wait until I tell them that my DD is not as important to me anymore as my son because she does not live with me. beahaha
A child you have full time is
A child you have full time is not more important than a child you have part time. Full stop. You created that child, that child is a part of you, you love them unconditionally. The allocation of responsibility for providing care and financial support is a completely separate issue and nothing to do with the 'importance' of the child. The stepparent will not and cannot feel the same way and will always prioritise their own child, but the parent with previous children loves ALL their children and that is just as it should be. You're a biomom, if you lost custody of your child and then had another child in another relationship would you really see your new child as more important than your previous children???
Not saying you (or they) are
Not saying you (or they) are right or wrong, but I don't think they're being touchy. Many bioparents love their non-custodial kids just as much as the kids who live with them.
BM has full custody, but
BM has full custody, but she'd probably be fine with SS going to the hospital. And you're exactly right in saying the skid can wait 24 hours. I'm not saying that I want him to have nothing to do with her. Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is. There's a certain level of discomfort I feel every time I see this kid that I just want to prevent this one time.
Thanks everyone for
Thanks everyone for responding! It is really nice to know that other people understand how it feels. I hate to be so negative about it. It would be so much easier if I just cared for SS like he was my own, but I just can't. I'm still hoping my feelings will change as I've heard they do for some SMs over time. But right now, I just don't think that will happen.
Ok...I think I would
Ok...I think I would compromise on this and tell DH that SS can come to the hospital for an hour on the day the baby is born. But you want some down time so you don't want a lot of people there all day. And tell him that he needs to find someone to pick up and drop off SS because he does not need to be leaving the hospital for this.
I totally understand how you feel, but this is one fight I dont' think you will win. Try to look at it from DH's side. He is going to love these kids equally...not just yours.
EDIT to add...And he is ABSOLUTLY not allowed in for the birth.
Meh..I still say to let DH
Meh..I still say to let DH have his other child up there for at least 30 minutes to an hour, then he can go home. The kid is 13, not a small child.
IMHO..this does not bode well for their marriage if she can not compromise a little on this. DH wants his kid there.
When she has another baby, she will want her child there.
I do remember feeling some
I do remember feeling some resentment about HAVING to have my stepchildren visit the hospital after the birth when I was pregnant with my first, not because I didn't like them, or thought they would behave badly, but just because I felt like it was expected rather than a choice, and I had no idea how I would feel physically or emotionally afterwards. If there are complications all plans go out the window and scheduling visits is out of the question.There was also this feeling that this would be the first time I had my very own baby and my own family and I suppose I wanted to treasure that with DH first.
But, I also knew that it would be very negative to exclude the stepchildren on such a special day and would set a precedent of exclusion which might hurt their feelings and alienate them from DD. I very much wanted my baby to be a welcomed and included member of the family and for her birth to bring more unity to our family. So I agreed with DH that he wouldn't bring them till I was ready but that in principal they would visit the day she was born, and DH would make sure they didn't stay too long. In the event DD was born at 5am, DH and I spent some time doting on her, then I slept with her cuddled against me for hours and DH went home to get some sleep, then I showered and changed, my parents and grandad visited, we had a rest, then DH bought my stepchildren over late afternoon. It was all fine. I was so happy and elated and filled with love for DD that nothing else mattered. They stay half an hour, they held the baby, everyone was happy, then DH took them home.
Now when my second baby was born he had breathing difficulties and we were rushed to the neonatal unit. I was distraught, we were in hospital over a week, no stepchildren visited on the first day and DH didn't even suggest it, it was the last thing on my mind. I didn't even see DD for a week because she had a cold and couldn't have any contact with BS. Two of the stepchildren visited briefly at the end of the second day.
The motto of the story is that the best laid plans can be laid asunder when you're having a baby, and a stepchild visit is small potatoes in the context of the big miracle of birth. Don't let it come between you and DH, compromise, agree a short visit on the day, when you are ready, and that it will be kept short. Also agree that if there are any complications then baby and you must come first and you work out SS's visit later.
I don't think I necessarily
I don't think I necessarily will want my other child there. I've heard of plenty of parents who want the time in the hospital for bonding with the new baby. Again, it's 24 hours, not several days or weeks that we'll spend there.
Just to let you know that I do compromise sometimes: I let DH cut our honeymoon short for SS. We had a destination wedding and our immediate families were invited. DH's grandpa lives near where the wedding was so his family stayed with grandpa for a while after the wedding. He wanted to let SS stay longer with grandpa but that meant that we would have to drive to grandpa's house and pick up SS (which was several hours from where we went for our honeymoon) and fly back with him (and spend the last day of our honeymoon near/with SS). I did not like this one bit, but I allowed it saying that it was only one day and it wouldn't matter in the long run. But I still remember it and am bitter when I think about how I gave in.
I am willing to compromise, I often compromise. But there are so many reasons I don't find it necessary to compromise this ONE time. I've reached the end of my compromising rope with this one.
What doesn't bode well for our marriage was the fact that I married a man with a kid. So I'm used to living in a marriage that may fail. We're trying to make it work as everyone else does in this situation. I've just happened to find a hill that I'm willing to die on.
Well darn...lol...I was
Well darn...lol...I was hoping to talk you out of this idea just to help you, but your mind seems pretty made up. But if you feel this way then you have to go with what you want to do. Be very prepared for resentment from DH and SS and MIL.
Good luck with the baby!! And with stephell...it is always so hard.
I'm shaking my head
I'm shaking my head because...your story will most likely be mine if I choose to marry SO. SD12 stresses me out, no way in hell I want her in the delivery room. I've told SO, delivery is all about MY comfort. Afterwards, I wouldn't care if she came for a short (stressing the word short) visit, where I actually saw her wash her hands and put on a gown, sit in a chair before holding my child.
As a childless SM, there is a hell of a lot of firsts I don't get, I should definitely have a say in THAT first! I still haven't let SD meet my first nephew, her and SO completely destroyed that first for me. She talks about it all the time that she hasn't seen him, I think SO has finally realized I have no intention of going out of my way to make sure she meets him.
DH does NOT want his kid in
DH does NOT want his kid in there during labor or delivery...he just want his kid to be able to come to hospital later that day to visit new baby.