Oh my, DH has bumped his head ...I just need to vent
It has been awhile since I posted.
DH wants to get custody of SD, age 15. SD is out of control and has been for years. She has been in counseling since she was 7 years old. She has also been in the crisis unit (mental health) 4 times in the past 2 years. She curses, hits, lies, manipulates, cries abuse (physical, mental and sexual) and threatens bodily harm to her mother and anyone who is in her path. She has been suspended from school for fighting or cursing a teacher at least 3 to 4 times a year for the past 4 years. She has already been to a group home and was kicked out. She threatened another child with scissors and the staff found scissors in SD's room.
She has been banned from my home a few years ago when SD filed a false abuse claim on me. DH still visits her on his weekends and takes her out but he just doesn't bring her here. I haven't seen this child in a very long time.
Over the past few days, SD has been "off the hook" as BM likes to say. SD told the school counselor that BM was physically abusing her. BM has been investigated about a half dozen times and it is always unfounded. SD says BM hit and pushed her and BM says SD hit and pushed her. Yesterday, SD seemed to have an episode at school where she had a panic attack and passed out. She had a panic attack because BM was touching her. BM came to pick her up at school for some reason and touched SD on her shoulder and it sent SD over the edge. The ambulance took her to the hospital and DH went to comfort her. I do not necessarily believe the story. I have heard and witnessed SD manipulating situations but I keep my mouth shut.
Last night, DH tells me that he feels that SD would flourish by living with us. Translated into Daisy, SD needs you to take care of her. DH works almost 2 hours away from home. He will be away from home 12 to 14 hours per day, five days a week. I work from home. I tried to explain that I can't have her here while I am working and risk getting fired from my job. I can't have her here filing false child abuse charges on me. I do not want to be responsible for her at all.
DH owes BM A LOT of medical bills. Remember the 4 times SD was in the mental ward for 10 days. BM had to pay $10,000 each visit out of pocket which means DH is responsible for half. SD had braces for another $2,000. SD takes ADHD medication, Depression medication and anxiety medication. She sees a therapist, physiatrist, and regular drs visits. It is safe to say that DH has a lot of medical bills that he owes BM. He pays her money each month but he will be paying medical bills until he is 100 years old.
DH thinks that all these bills will just go away and that BM will pay him child support. I tried to tell him that he would get child support but I could guarantee that BM would have him in court so fast that his head would be spinning and she would be demanding more for the medical bills and the money he would get from child support would go back to BM.
Dh believes everything that SD says. SD was involved in a fight at school. The entire class and the teacher stated that SD started it. A boy mouthed off to her and SD smacked him. SD says the teacher took them outside in the hall and the boy slammed the door on her foot. DH says that SD said she had a bruise on her foot. I am not so sure if DH saw it or believed her. If there was a bruise it was more than likely that SD actually hurt her foot before the incident or afterwards to frame the boy. Yep, she has done that but DH doesn't believe it.
It seems that every other year, DH gets the wild hair up his butt and wants custody. He NEVER sees the big picture. He only sees a damaged little girl that he thinks he can save.
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Comments
That would be a lot to take
That would be a lot to take on and it certainly is not your responsibility to take care of her.
Your husband cannot do it, being gone 12-14 hours a day, and even if he were home more, this girl sounds completely out of control and beyond what your husband would be capable of, as far as helping her.
Simply tell DH - that's right
Simply tell DH - that's right Hon you can fight for custody as soon as you find a job you can do from home and cater self for SD, cause I sure as hell will not be alone in her company at any given time.
Make sure that jobs pays enough cause you will have to pay 66% off all house hold expenses while paying of your debt to BM and supporting your daughter.....
There's nothing wrong with telling him NO...
What damaged her? This isn't
What damaged her? This isn't normal behavior.
I really have no idea. She
I really have no idea. She was showing signs of what I call "behavioral issues" when I first met her at age 7. In the beginning, I basically stated it was just bad parenting. As the years rolled on, I really believe there is more than just bad parenting. I am really left in the dark when BM discusses with dh. DH believes that SD just misbehaves for BM. He is in such denial.
Just like cancer can kill the
Just like cancer can kill the body, certain mental illnesses can kill the mind. If every therapy available is being used or has been used, including a group home that specializes in having kids like her and providing a therapeutic and structured environment, then changing custody won't do anything other than move the problem from one parent to the other. This is not meant as an offense against you, but what does he think you're going to do or he is going to do by not being at home that professionals haven't been able to work out? I would ask him that question.
I'm not saying anyone should give up on her, but changing custody just because your DH THINKS he can do better isn't good enough. He needs a solid plan other than "you work from home, so you can do it."
Hopefully this was just a moment of madness and not a serious consideration. If it is a serious consideration, he REALLY needs a plan of action for caring for his daughter and providing respite for you both.
I just remind him that it
I just remind him that it isn't possible for her to be here. To make it possible, A LOT of things would have to change and it just isn't possible to have all those changes take place. He doesn't have the money to rent his own apartment. He wouldn't want to do that anyways. He would be alone with her and have to step up and parent 100% of the time. He really doesn't want to do that. He just doesn't see the big picture. He sees the small picture that SD paints for him and because SD loves him so much, she will do whatever he says. She has already promised him that she would do it IF she lived with him.
I told him why don't you ask her give it a try first and see what happens. He will not do that because he knows, SD could never do that.
Um, no. Just no. MSD hinted
Um, no. Just no. MSD hinted at accusing SO of abuse, he told her she didn't have to come to our house anymore, she didn't. What's ironic is that BM does abuse her, but she will protect her to the death.
Kids like this are extremely
Kids like this are extremely difficult to deal w/and it sounds like DH doesn't have the time or capacity to parent her properly. I was much like the BM in this scenerio w/my own dd now 22. When she was a teen she was just like this. I had to put up w/abuse from her, false allegations, almost lost my other kids because of her. It was terrible and of course her father thought he could do better. xH and exMIL hatched a plan and xMIL stepped in and basically kidnapped dd during an out of state summer visit to her. I had to get a lawyer to try to get her back. Fighting for a 16 yr old who hates you and never wants to see you again was expensive and heartbreaking. Then the inevitable happened, dd ran away from xMIL, tried to OD on a bottle of pills and was hospitalized. After that xH and xMIL put her on a plane and shipped her back to me noooo problem.
Things would have been so much better if xH and his extended family had been supportive rather than fighting me w/dd.