Mmmm, so what has he done to enforce the punishment on SD? Has he told you yet what his plan on follow through is?

Maybe you can not answer the question about seeing him on Friday but ask him what resolution he has put in place? Then go from there.

And see if you can get him to answer why he lied and why he thought it was ok to lie to you.

I always thought begging was pathetic.

Either he believes he was right for doing what he was doing, in which case, why is he begging?

Or he thought he was wrong, it which case he should be changing things, and respecting your desire to be pissed.

But begging is just so...pathetic. I had ex BFs who begged. That's part of why they are exes. Either change things or don't, but begging makes me respect you even less.

YMMV I suppose.

He does really seem to be trying. You do have to allow for an adjustment period for changes. I think you should try and see him tonight or tomorrow. Clearly outline what you want him to do. Put it in writing if you have to, but he loves you and he is trying.

He "needs" your help but he isn't listening to you. THat is the problem. You've been trying to "help" him for a long time and his response is always the same "What can I do?" or "I'm doing the best I can". And if he is doing the best he can, he needs to know it isn't enough.

Here is what you need to tell him:

"I will not come by until I am reasonably sure there have been REAL consequences for the text she sent me. You told me you punished her and you didn't. You conveniently came up with an excuse to give her phone back and you think because you "told" her about the laptop being for homework, you did enough. And you didn't do enough. There is no excuse for her to have that phone. She used it inappropriately. She is in your care. Period. You've "told" her to stop calling you 100 times when you aren't with her and she continues to abuse that. Its time to take the PRIVELEGE of a phone away from her until she can prove herself to use it responsibly.

TALKING to her isn't working. Talking with out consequences is nagging or offering suggestions. If you can't give her consequences, then my only option is to give YOU consequences because I am finished being a nag or making suggestions. THis situation needs to change. She can't or WON'T change, which means YOU have to change, dh. YOU have to get it under control. YOU have to make decisions that put me first and stop catering to her drama. YOU have to be firm. YOU have to insist she gain some self-control. If YOU can't do those things then I can't help you. You need to help yourself.

We are supposed to be working on our marriage. This is the time to prove that you can change in in the past week you have canceled plans, been late for plans, considered canceling plans because SD MIGHT need you, answered 7 calls form her while with me before turning off your phone, allowed her to send me a nasty text and blame ME for your erecting boundaries, and told me you punished when you actually didn't. How is that working on our marriage exactly? "

I'd also tell him that making plans with you

I would be honest and tell him you are not ready to do anything with SD right now, after her texts in the past couple of days. I really do think that his problem is he is just a guy...I could so relate when you asked about where the lap top was located during her grounding, it's like my DH giving SD16 her Nook twice, the first time not realizing it had the internet and the second time after saying he would not let her take it on spring break to her mothers and then turning around and letting her. The first time was him being a dumb guy, the second time was him being a disney dad. its almost like i have to break it down to him why, each time. its like WTF?

The way I see it, you two keep going in a vicious cycle. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. What is going to happen if you give in and go, I bet you can probably predict it because you've done it time and time again. He's not takin this seriously.

He HAS to know that you mean business. That's great he turned off his phone when she called a couple of days ago, but she was still calling and calling and calling, her phone should be taken away until she can learn proper phone behavior. She sent you a nasty text, again, the phone should have been taken away until she can learn proper phone etiquette. He has to teach her that for every bad behavior there is a consequence, one he is going to stick with.

Until he can outline his parenting plan to you with specific consequences for undesired behaviors, I wouldn't budge.

I also wouldn't be doing these overnight visits, he is getting everything he wants, the relationship with his daughter, and sex with his wife without having to actually be with her every day. He is living the dream.

I would also tell him that parenting is preparing your child to leave. Does he think his parenting is doing anything to prepare this girl for the real world?

UGH, I'm getting so annoyed at your DH, lol. He wants YOU to do everything. Perhaps you should go online and find the number of a parenting coach and just text him that. Name ONE thing he has done to change the dynamic with him and SD? Besides ignoring her phone calls (that's easy), he's done nothing. Why should you do it for him, it's his problem and it's not your responsibility. If he knows he doesn't know how to parent, then he needs to find the resource to learn. DO NOT DO THIS FOR HIM. Also, I think you're sending mixed messages between the sleepover/date nights, and then the cancelling of plans because you're all of the sudden angry. You guys really need to get into some counseling pronto (both together and separately).

He needs your help? No, he needs to learn to parent on his own. its not your job.

He's getting desperate.

One more thing. Read what you wrote. Notice how it is about what HE NEEDS? His way of thinking is still "I want what I want and I want you to accept that I am such a guy and let me be who I am and quit complaining"

Can you just ask him straight out why he LIED to you? Or did you do that and I missed it...

I am sorry i am such a guy!

i need your help....

He's avoiding all responsibility for the mess he has created with his daughter, and always will. This is not a "guy thing." Believe it or not, there are other men who do not raise their daughters this way.

Let him know that you ARE helping, by staying apart and going to couple's counseling. Perhaps he should make an attempt to help himself by attending some parenting classes, owning up to his responsibility, and quit shoving it all off on you?

The fact that he's offering to pay for your gas indicates that he is either unaware of what the real problem is, or refusing to acknowledge. Either way, he is still clearly not at the point he needs to be at to make this work.

Why is he not telling you that he was wrong to lie to you & why is he not telling you that he has SD's laptop & that she will not have unsupervised access (for homework) to it for the week he told you she would be grounded from it?

HE has to be capable of doing that on his own...without you holding his hand. HE has to be willing to be honest with you...even it means admitting he did nothing to punish her. Truth is always better than lying, even if the truth is ugly. There's no point in trying to work with a liar.

At this point, I say you stick to not going, regardless of what happens between now & then. He needs to know that there are consequences for choices, & that "I'm sorry" isn't a fixer. If he weasles into getting his way here, you will be reinforcing the idea that begging & pleading will get his way, no matter his actions.

I really think you just need to call this particular evening off & not make more plans until he's taken action on the discipline & proven that he's really willing to look at the problems & put effort into making things better.

I would tell him straight up "I am not going tonight because of the recent events with SD and because you did NOT give her consequences for her actions". "I expect you to give her consequences for her actions and stick to them. If you need help in figuring these out I am here to help".

Then let him know you think it would be a good idea for you and him to sit down and make a list for actions and accountabilities/consequences for the actions. Especially some of those things she has pulled since you have been together.

Then let him know you will be watching to make sure he is serious about following through with her actions and your relationship. Because in case he hasn't noticed you are very serious about dealing with it on your end if he does not. It is his choice, and you cannot make that choice for him but you are getting weary with his (emotional) pushing and pulling of you.

Make everything REAL plain to him.

Stick to your guns.. This is where he is trying to break you before he breaks! Dont give in yet!

Why would you say yes? Really? He's done nothing to change the issue. He KNOWS what he needs to do but can't do it? Then he's really not getting it.

Daisy - my DH has a very blind eye (or used to) when it came to his son. DH relied on me alot to let him know when the manipulating POS was spewing his bullshit.

I would give your DH a chance.

Daisy - take some time to look up Rori Raye - she has a lot of excellent ideas about setting boundaries for yourself & how it improves your relationship. You continue to waver & let him manipulate you. You need to be firm and set boundaries for yourself. Ex. I will leave the table when SD calls X times.

I know just how hard this is but if you don't stand firm now, you'll be stuck in your current situation forever.

Stand strong. Best of luck to ya.