I can TOTALLY understand your feelings...I wouldn't want children like that living with me either. Leave it to DH, they're his spawn so he can deal with them. If you get desperate enough, you can always do a good deed and help BM get her act together so she can take them back }:)

I personally wouldn't mind having snowshyte live with us...it would make life SO much easier if BM had her EOW and had no control over her schedule. I can't imagine snowshyte being that horrible to live with as it sounds your skids are dreadful.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

to start doing things for themselves. Show them how to do their own laundry, for example, then let them do it. Show them how to make lunch, then let them do it.

Have one day a week where they make dinner for you. Rotate chores for them each weekend -- cleaning the bathroom, dusting the living room, etc.

This resentment you're feeling doesn't appear as if it will go away with them only starting to do more around the house, but it might help. Plus, your DH's job is to prepare them to live on their own someday. Have him tell them about the new rules, and have him enforce them. You may see some gratefulness if they realize how much work goes into running a house.

Hello,
I didn’t really notice in your story that you mentioned the ways his life has been changed by this. Has he made any sacrifices? I sometimes have trouble telling my husband when his son is causing problems because I’m trying to keep the peace in my house. I was just wondering if your needs were being ignored as he is obliviously assuming you’re happy with his kids awful behavior. Some men enjoy being in denial about their kids because its easier. I don’t think you should be paying for his kids clothes while your kids go without. If he wants his kids full time and can’t afford it, maybe he should get a second job. Of course that means more time you’ll end up having with his kids but at least more money will be coming in.

resentment doesn't come soley because of the skids. It can fester due to YOUR DH not supporting YOU and making HIS kids follow rules and respect you. Behavior from the kids is learned and they will always follow the path of least resistance. Your resentment may be misdirected to what seems obvious as in the skids instead of the real culprit - your DH. Unfortunately, our DH's also follow that same path until we "break red", throw up our arms, and let them know we've had ENOUGH. He needs to start taking more responsiblity of the skids off your shoulders. When do the DH's learn we're not a dumping ground for their children?
I truly believe if you don't get any results from dad in raising his own kids, you need to learn to disengage.

Just my thoughts.

***We're too blessed to be stressed!***

Before your resentment get out of control have a discussion with your hubby and communicate in a positive manner (if possible). Men usually don't resond to negative communication (my experience). They will usually feel attacked...so the calmer the better and make him understand how you are feeling. Thus may or may not work, because men mostly see black and white and the colors in between that women see are not in thei vocabulary....but he needs to know how you are feeling..

Gently, go gently.... My mistake...screaming, crying and saying ugly things that I couldn't take back...don't make my mistakes....I learned how to talk to dh thru advice from this site and has proven effective...good luck & let us know how it goes...

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

if you're afraid it won't come out right and sound too emotional. Write your DH a letter and tell him what bothers you. That can open it up for discussion and you can say everything you want in written form without the emotional fluctuations in between. You'll also be able to get all your points across without getting focused on the most irritating subject when there are so many.

It worked for me since I'm not as eloquent and well spoken as most of the wise folks on ST. When I get emotionally upset/mad, I can't keep my thoughts together enough to make sense.

Good luck!

***We're too blessed to be stressed!***

I married my husband when I was in my 40's. He has 3 children from previous marriages, including 2 sons in their 20's who work on and off. Both dropped out of high school. One (soon to be 23)went to prison for a couple of years a few years ago which broke my husband's heart. He still gives me the creeps. He lived here for a little while, then my husband got him into the Navy, but he did something to get himself discharged. At one point his grandmother let him live with her for free, but threw him out for smoking pot. He went to computer school at the state's expense, then failed the final exam and didn't try to take it again. While he went to school he didn't work, but tried to collect unemployment from a part-time dead-end job that he quit. I dont know if he was able to. He recently started working at another dead-end job and is living in my husband's garage which is insured for his business only. He smokes cigarettes and pot in the garage. The other son (soon to be 27) used to take meds for Attention Deficit Disorder but stopped taking them long ago. He doesn't think he has any problems. He doesn't last long at a job; he quits or gets fired for one reason or another. He has a history of alchohol and drug (pot) abuse. He has moved several times from one apartment or town to another, wasting money along the way. He's borrowed alot of money from my husband. Now he's living here a few days a week. My husband invited him here without consulting me first. He told me it's to help with his business, and to help fix up our apartment (they are not working on the apartment). He eats like an animal, so I try to eat dinner earlier by myself. I resent him eating my food, using my shower, sitting in my chair at the dining room table, getting "trained" by my husband for a job that he will probably quit, and getting paid for it with our money. We could be saving that money for our retirement. He has gone to family affairs such as his grandmother's 80th birthday without bringing so much as a card. He just shows up to eat and get drunk. He got drunk at our wedding, pushed a single woman out of the way and caught my bouquet. He doesn't send my husband birthday or father's day cards. My husband gives him wine when he asks for it to "help him unwind and go to sleep". He makes up his bed for him. He said he wasn't always there when his sons were growing up because of divorce; and that his son needs moral support because he can't find another job. When I mentioned maybe applying for a job in a supermarket, he said that it wasn't a career. I told my husband that I used to like his kids when they were younger but I don't like them now. I have tried but I haven't found any redeeming qualities. I told him that I didn't sign up for this when I married him 9 years ago (at that time they were living with their mother), that I need my privacy, and that I feel like a guest in my own home. I also told him it appears that he's enabling the both of them. He told me I'm jealous, that I never liked his kids, and that I'm trying to get him to hate them. He told me not to make him choose between me and his kids, but it's evident that he already chose them. He said he can't turn his back on them and if I don't like it, it's too f******ing bad. His feelings toward me have obviously changed. It's just a matter of time before he leaves. I'm feeling anxious and depressed. My self esteem is at an all time low.