OK, we actually have order....well for now at least!
So we were having a discipline problem with SS9 and SD10. Skids were being rude and arrogant, ignoring me in my own house. I tried being sweet and kind, firm and disciplined, vodka, sweet and kind again and more vodka. FDH spoke to the skids to try to reason with them, that talk ended with him agreeing that I wouldn't ever discipline them again. Great thanks FDH, you've just f&@$ed me over in my own house. So I disengaged, which sort of worked But the skids kept asking where I was and I felt like I was hiding in my own house.
It was then that I found this website which saved me. I realised I could be the boss in my house and the skids would have to follow my rules and discipline. And guilty FDH will just have to put up with it. I set him straight and I set the skids straight. The next time they came round we sat them down and read them the riot act. Told them I'm not putting up with their behaviour attitudes and ignoring me and I know that BM is behind it. And every time they were naughty and they would have 10 minutes taken off their bedtime. FDH supported me and said he would take their phones off them and send them to their rooms if they were very bad. Removing phones from skids is like cutting off their air supply! We also told them that any telling tales/ ratting us out/ any complaints to BM that came back to us via BM doing her psycho texting and calls to FDH would be punished by 30 minutes off bedtime.
Result: We actually have order!! WOOHOOO! It's like brand new children so well behaved so polite very sweet, i'm amazed I'm not sure how long it will last but so far it's worked for the last three visits. They racked up 30 minutes early bedtime each, which yesterday they actually traded into doing 2.5 hours worth of house work for me. All the bed sheets were washed. all of the floors swept and polished, all the wood was polished, my oven was cleaned, air vents were scrubbed and three bathrooms cleaned and three loads of washing done. Don't you just love child labour!! The skids are happy they had a really good visit and absolutely loved it. I'm happy but exhausted that took a lot of supervising, they were around me for every minute of the day for the last four days, playing games, baking, cooking dinner with me etc. But the biggest thing is as we have a happy and peaceful house, long may it last!! 
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Dad did handle it: he told
Dad did handle it: he told the kids the consequences and backed his wife up. Go dad.
And 2.5 hours of house work is not too much for their ages. I was younger than that when I was sent out to shovel a driveway. (Blizzard of '76 in upstate NY anyone?)
Confused: I am really glad to hear you have some peace and quiet in your house and the skids are doing better! Keep up the good work, consistency is the key with kids!
Thank you, I'm so pleased
Thank you, I'm so pleased it's working too. All the advice on here helped so much. SD10 went from sitting on the sofa throwing me moodily looks while she played with her phone for hours on end and watched TV. To following me around the house like a lamb, asking what else she can do to help and what work can we do next! Before they left last night I asked SD 10 if she thought I was being too firm with them, she said no not at all she liked how much time we were spending with them.
Their dad was great standing up to them and supporting me, I was proud of him and the children have started giving him more respect. It was a lot of hard work but it paid off. They are back again on Sunday night for 3 days and I'm actually looking forward to it
We don't restrict any
We don't restrict any communication at all with the parents they can call their mother and grandmother or the BM at any time from the father's phone at any time they want. The courts and guardian ad litem advised FDH to regularly take the phones away from his children because they were abusing the privilege.
An for house work I would help my mum to do housework from the age of five onwards, any child can pick up a dust cloth and help you polish some thing it's not hard and they enjoy it.
.....that's so funny. We
The mother never allows the
The mother never allows the children to call the father. When FDH calls the kids his calls go unanswered. FDH goes for days and days without being able to speak to his children because of BM.
We deal with this as well.
We deal with this as well. DF will call to speak with the girls, BM won answer the phone. He leaves messages but she wont call back.
I've tried to get him to address it when they go to court. But he won't. He says it's better to stick to the big issues. :?
We're not sure how to deal
We're not sure how to deal with this, we can't prove BM stops them calling. We know one time when BM and had an argument with SD10, SD10 went to call her dad in tears and BM told her if she called her father BM would kick her out of her house and she could go live somewhere else. SD was 9 when this happened, what sort of mother threatens her 9 year old like that.
I believe the children are scared to ask to call their father when the BM doesn't like it. BM regularly cuts her own mother off from speaking to the children as a power game.
HOLY shit Sweet Pea, you just
HOLY shit Sweet Pea, you just described my week here....DHs' creature JUST did that to me....matter of fact i think im going to blog about it RIGHT now.... :jawdrop:
Hi fire_inside, You're
Hi fire_inside,
You're completely right. The skids knew they'd been manipulating. They accepted that and said they understood. FDH told them we'd draw a line and start over. It's been good they haven't done it since. BM's still been crazy but it's not been from the kids lying and stirring shit. If BM finds something they've said to freak out about it's just BM being a total vindictive bitch. I think the kids are relieved we busted them and the pressure is off them. I'm sure BM (we call her 'Slore' combination of slut /whore) will find a new way to attack but it's peaceful for now and we're having fun with the Skids.
Slore's latest thing is she wants a witness and to do the pickup at police stations, she's desperate to control my FDH and in 18 months she's gone from full control to barely any. Again last night she totally failed to do that because she was too lazy to find the police station on map quest...lol. The pickup was done at the local UDF, just to piss her off I went along as a witness! Hehe......I love LOVE upsetting her it's my new hobby!
I agree they should be
I agree they should be punished for telling lies.
However, punishing them for mom's reaction to stuff they tell her just seems wrong. It comes across as expecting the kids to control their mom's behavior.
Telling lies is wrong and
Telling lies is wrong and deserves consequences. Telling a parent true stuff isn't/doesn't.
Why can't dad just deal with mom's behavior directly instead of punishing the kids?
Disney fan you have this
Disney fan you have this wrong I have a degree in psychology, I can tell exactly when the children are manipulating and when they are not. They are not being punished for BM being a psycho bitch they are being punished for manipulating lying. BM is still a psycho bitch and always will be, most of the times the children have nothing to do with it. In fact the children haven't manipulated FDH or BM since we put the rule in.
I know BM gives the kids the Spanish Inquisition when they get home, i've told them that they can't help what their mother does when she picks their brains and tries to use it against FDH. They just know that if they lie to BM then they will be in trouble. BM had been getting the children to live for years. This is allowing the children to keep out of the situation, they deserve to be children and not mixed up in the games that BM plays.
That's exactly what they were
That's exactly what they were doing they were using BM to punish FDH, when FDH was trying to put discipline on them. BM is just dying for any excuse to punish and lash out at FDH. We are managing to stop all that now she doesn't get to speak to him face-to-face or speak to him via phone, its all done by text or email communication.
For example, when I first met skids in the first few months we made brownies together and planned to eat them after dinner. SD10 specially requested her favourite vegetable when we were out grocery shopping. I put a small portion on her plate but SD10 then refuse to eat them. I told her that I wouldn't allow her to have any brownies if she didn't finish her vegetables on her plate. She went into a mood and then five minutes later went into another room called BM and told BM I was force-feeding her food. BM then phoned several times screaming at FDH down the phone. It ended in a very miserable night. I was new to the skids so I didn't say anything I tried not to get too involved, but I was amazed at this little girl manipulating her father in this way. Before I came along these kids had no discipline, never said please and thank you, stayed up past midnight every night. FDH could never take the skids to see his family because they would phone BM and BM would threaten FDH with the police. She would then go and pick up the children from him halfway through his visitation time. I couldn't believe it when I first met them, these kids manipulated constantly and didn't even know FDH's family. Now they are really polite children and actually show my friends children up. As skids manners are better than their children. A year and a half later in a few days we're going up to see FDH's family with the skids and the skids are really excited about it. The difference in a year and a half is amazing, FDH's parents now have a relationship with their grandchildren, and the skids have got to know their aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. The only family Skids thought they had for the last 10 years has been an uncle, grandmother and BM and FDH.
He really was great and
He really was great and actually when we sat the children down and read them the riot act, it came from him not me. FDH passed out on me last night, he was so tired so no chance to reward him. But I'll definitely reward him tonight when he comes home, he's at work all day today...
Yes this website gave me that
Yes this website gave me that idea it told me to find out what they valued and threaten to take away from them for bad behaviour. And super nanny taught me the one warning one consequence rule. I don't agree with shouting at children or being mean to them just removing what they have what they value is enough to make them behave themselves. Saying to them 'do you want 10 minutes' is like a magic wand they are instantly good! Lol
And I would never let them use chemicals when they were cleaning, they are using washing up liquid and scrubbing pads. It was funny they nearly started bickering as to who would clean the toilets they both wanted to do it.
I wonder what's going to
I wonder what's going to happen when mom finds out they cleaned your oven. The other tasks seem fine, but cleaning the oven? That one was a bit much.
What in the heck is wrong
What in the heck is wrong with cleaning the oven at their ages? I'm sure she didn't mean they were using heavy duty chemicals and such. Probably a mild cleanser and wiping it down on the stove top?
My mom made me clean the entire kitchen when I was in kindergarden every Tuesday night when she had a class. This included me standing on a chair to hand wash the dishes. Didn't hurt me. Taught me responsibility though.
That's the funny thing
That's the funny thing they've cleaned my house before and they've never ever told BM. They don't want to admit to BM they actually help me. They do what ever they want in BM's and MIL's houses and never ever help them. They'll never tell her they do house work otherwise they will have to do around hers.
And cleaning the oven she really just wiped it down and scrubbed a little bit, it wasn't thoroughly cleaned trust me, But she enjoyed it and we were both singing and dancing away to the radio while we all cleaned. You know what children are like when they clean, they miss all sorts of bits but the main thing is that they're helping and they're being helpful, kind and generous.
Tog, thank you for the
Tog, thank you for the support I really appreciate it and Spacekadet I do agree with you about the phones but these kids have so many new rules to get used at the moment I don't wanna take the phones completely. I guess when they stop respecting the early bedtime discipline, then the phones will be the next things we take away if they're bad. The guardian ad litem said she didn't agree children of that age using technology like that anyhow, so we know we have the support of the courts behind us.
Wow, that's great that your
Wow, that's great that your DH backed you up and actually stepped up to parent. I hope it lasts!
Thanks Kathc, I hope so too.
Thanks Kathc, I hope so too. He had such a good Christmas with his kids I think he's determined to keep it up. Fingers crossed he does, it's hard work though. I'm sure it's not all plain sailing from now on. BM will be back in a few days with more PAS.
I am envious of your DH
I am envious of your DH backing you up. Kudos to both of you coming together and protecting your relationship and the order of your home.
I am so happy for you
Thanks HadEnoughx5, that's
Thanks HadEnoughx5, that's kind of you. I can't believe I'm looking forward to seeing them again on Sunday night when 4 weeks ago I was at my wits end. Its going to be interesting we are taking them to visit FDH's family and staying there for two days. Its another first, skids have never wanted to go even for a day trip before but yesterday they asked if they could stay overnight as they wanted to stay longer and see all FDH's family. They don't know we are staying 2 nights yet, we limit what we tell them so BM can't poison them before they get dropped off. FDH's family are over the moon to be seeing them at Christmas as its never happened before.
Learn to ignore HRNYC she
Learn to ignore HRNYC she just stirs the pot and doesn't seem to get kids lying vs talking to the other parent about reality.
Lol thanks Lalena, she sounds
Lol thanks Lalena, she sounds like an awful parent and the obvious thing is she has one failed marriage and is actually a BM }:)
HRNYC, the OP lives with DH
HRNYC, the OP lives with DH and therefore house rules are joint decision between the two. My DH and I agreed on rules for the house and we both enforce the rules. DH does the punishing if needed but as an adult my skids are to listen to me. It teaches the skids to respect all adult such as teachers, police, ect. If the kids lie then they need to be punished for it. It's not hard to figure out if they are lying or not.
Hi Stepkat, That's exactly
Hi Stepkat,
That's exactly how it is, I own the house and FDH lives with me. The skids know they have to respect me in my own home. I'm not their parent, although they try and treat me like one. They tend to ask my permission if they can do things etc and I normally say lets ask your dad. I try to leave parenting to him but as far as manners and house rules go I do help if he miss things. The skids were better behaved with me but that is quickly changing and they are being well behaved with both FDH and I now. They are realizing dad's not such a pushover anymore. The Skids used to fight with each other all the time, constant power struggle but that's nearly completely stopped now because they know FDH and I are in charge. The skids haven't had a physical fight in months but we always hear about them fighting and hurting each other at BM's and BM's mother. When there's no authority around they quickly start punching and kicking each other and it ends in tears.
I think they like how peaceful my house it, you can see them relax and the bickering stops. They actually play together nicely, something they never used to do.
Kids thrive off of structure.
Kids thrive off of structure. Once they figure out that if they do as they are told and follow the house rules their life becomes easier with a lot more fun. SD13 never backtalk me or DH while she's with us. She does as we ask without the eye rolling or attitude. As a result she gets to earn time on her new laptop and their is less drama and fighting. She earns things she likes. SD13 thrives at our place.
^^^^This^^^^ We don't have a
^^^^This^^^^
We don't have a sixteenth of the behavioral issues with SS7 that BM has. Why? Because he has structure at our house. Every psychologist and/or doctor we have seen has been so surprised that we don't report the same behaviors that BM does. When they question further and figure out we have routines and structure then they see the real picture and give BM a lecture. SS7 has structure and it makes a complete difference. Over time they have all figured out that she doesn't do her job as a parent and probably never will. We just work with what we've got and go on with life.
Yes, I think you are
Yes, I think you are completely right. Would it make more sense if I explained I'm British and I came to live in the US 4 years ago. In the UK we are stricter with our kids and expect respect. I was surprised at how some US children demanded things and seem to miss basic manners. My Skids were amazed when they first met me because of my accent but they also want to learn to do things the English way. So we've taught them to use knives and forks correctly, not start eating before everyone is seated, and to have polite conversation at the table. They enjoy all sitting at the dinner table for each meal and hang around chatting and asking FDH and I about life questions....real random stuff. Its fun and they seem to learn a lot, we quiz them on what we talk about over the next few visits. One time one of our meals lasted 4 hours, they just kept talking and talking and asking questions about things. They are watching less and less TV when they come round and we are all communicating so much more. The SS9 used to not eat much but now he likes to sit and talk he finishes all his food and asks for second helpings. It's no longer a race to get back to the family room and switch the TV back on.
BM has slated and slandered FDH so much that the kids used to think he was stupid and BM knew it all. FDH was so worried about standing up to BM he just let her get away with it all. So the skids didn't know anything about their dad. They didn't even know he used to be in the Air Force, they know him so much more now and they love hearing stories from him during our after dinner chats. I can see they have a new respect for their dad which BM had totally destroyed.
That's cool to hear your SS14
That's cool to hear your SS14 is realising the truth. He sounds like he has great respect and manners, you've both done a good job! I've got high hopes for FDH's BD10, she is already working it out. SS9 is still very loyal to his BM and so he will take longer to come round. BM still sleeps with him every night she has him, she would still be breastfeeding him if she could. Anything to keep him as dependent on him as possible.