What works for you?

I'm reading a lot about disengaging. From the kiddos, from the ex.

I like disengaging.

She's not my exwife, I feel not a need in the world to ever see or talk to her again. I will if I must and I don't know that I truly care either way... My preference is certainly not to, but if there is no way around it? Sure.

I have to be honest, she stresses me a bit when we're in the same vicinity. She's disordered so she interprets body language wrong, she takes things personally... and I tend to worry, only because I just don't want to have to deal with the headache of her taking something wrong. I think it's my very last hurdle. Not necessarily to be indifferent towards her but more just a sense of... equanimity.

Hubby wants me to go trick or treating with him and the girls, they are all going over to my SD13's BFF's house. BM is going. I will have my own children and would much prefer to go in my own neighborhood with them. I haven't asked my sons what they actually want to do... perhaps there preference would to go with the girls.

If they do, I'd rather stay home and pass out candy.

I'm trying to be compromising all the while not constantly putting others needs ahead of my own, which is an awful trait of mine. My therapist had great advice in saying that I won't ever cut it out... but I could perhaps start doing that which I enjoy, with or without anybody else's approval of such things.

So there is my crossroad. Go or not to go. Disappoint and don't go, or go and be disappointed.

What about others?

What works for you?

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I hide too. I'm not so sure

I hide too.

I'm not so sure why. I just don't feel any desire to be anywhere around her.

I also don't read emails, listen to voicemails, and I often walk out of the room when I hear the crackle of her voice on the other end of the line.

I used to though.

Until I simply couldn't take it anymore. My therapist said you either do it FOR him and he'll never learn... or you give him the room to allow her to wear him to the point that HE can't take it anymore. It seems to have worked cause I don't contribute to any of there nonsense anymore... and the last go round he called her bluff and she backed off. (In essense she threatened "I'll just take you to court" and he oushed back and said "LET'S GO!!" And she ended up conceding completely)

Anyways, I digress.

And theeennnnn...

I read your signature line.

I really just might have to take that into account.

Just curious why you check

Just curious why you check and respond to emails and not your DH?

I also stay away from the

I also stay away from the windows & doors BM picks up skids (which is rare). Primarily b.c. she's a crystal meth. addict & I don't know her mental condition when she out there in the driveway so I am afraid she might shot me with one of her 20+ guns. Off-topic: ss14 took large hunting knife on a sleepover last weekend and to a halloween parade. So if you live in PA/DE watch your back b.c. there's a angry teen out there whose armed & never had a consequence for bad behavior in his life!

I don't do the disengage

I don't do the disengage thing well. At best I can ignore some of the crap that bothers me. Other stuff I aggressively address or confront as immediately as possible.

That is why I enjoy S-Talk so much. I can read, think and respond with the chance of catching myself if I initially over react to something, unlike my real world where I certainly attempt to bite my tongue with limited success. I have learned how to apologize sincerely when I shove my foot up my ass in my real life. Fortunately I am married to a partner who is forgiving and sees through the bluster to my caring core.

As for trick-or-treating. Do what is most pleasant for you and your kids. I can understand your DHs desire to spend it with his kids and his wife but why put yourself in the uncomfortable position of dealing with the BM's toxic crap? We are fortunate in that we have never had to deal with joint activities. We don't interfere of participate in our son's (my SS's) visitation with his SpermCland and they don't have the resources to participate in our son's real life.

I would certainly explain your decision to DH if you choose to hang in your neighborhood with your kids.

Enjoy the candy and be safe.

Best regards,

But see, I'm just not you,

But see, I'm just not you, Rags.

I am who I am... a little bit more passive then I'd like to be... along with being a little melodramatic. I find it to be a natural aggression against myself to be more like you. Although, perhaps I wish that I could be.

I read an excerpt the other day talking about our "first thought" is our "best thought". We tend to cloud our first thoughts with judgement, self doubt, fear, interpretation... all those things that keep us from living in the moment.

So as I let out a big sigh...

I think I've muddied the waters as far as what I even want to do. I don't know that I should let her intimidate me to the point that I don't spend some time on a fun filled night all the while pouting at home in my great big comfort zone.

CG, Nope you are not me. Me

CG,

Nope you are not me. Me only works for me and sometimes not all that well. CG works for you. Which is not too bad from my perspective.

The "do over" works for me quite well. When I work my way in to a corner that is not working well for me any more I take a do over, back up and try a slightly different direction. Eventually I will get past the corner and on to a better place.

Try backing up a bit, shifting away from what is not working for you and make another try.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

The "do over" works for me

Try backing up a bit, shifting away from what is not working for you and make another try.

I really like this idea, Rags.

Whatever it is that I'm doing is not working. It's depressing me a little bit. I can't really grasp as to why we're at this place again. Where we have to all "hang out". I simply and honestly don't like it. I've tried to bend and endure for the greater good, but the ongoing exposure isn't tempering my dislike of it.

I think that I would like most to stay home and let the boys go with the girls. I think I really would enjoy that best... really.

This surprises me. I'm going

This surprises me. I'm going to call BS on something. You do still engage her sometimes. You did at SD8's bday party. You egged her on a little bit when she was taking some things personally. It's why Timmy turned to me and raised an eyebrow at one point. I know you know that this is not an attack. I think it may be part of why you don't want to go. I think there's still a part of you that likes to engage her. You know how I got through that party without slapping your BM? I just kept laughing and saying, "Oh, BM. You're such a joker." It's probably why she thinks I'm nice. She hasn't settled with this new marriage?

And I blame that on the

And I blame that on the margaritas.

The coping mechanism that seems to assist me in purging whatever it is that I think I need to say.

...and I'm always open to being called out, but I don't like engaging her.

I can say that with true conviction.

Then, maybe you should try a

Then, maybe you should try a not margarita policy when she's around? I can still have them though.

Maybe.

When I disengaged, I chose to

When I disengaged, I chose to never communicate with BM again. It's been at least 3 years. I still went to events with DH where I knew I would see her (court, graduation, etc.) but I decided that I didn't need to fake politeness anymore. If I see her coming to talk to DH, I walk the other way and give them a moment to discuss things. I try not to be in her presence, and if I am I pretend she's not there. She's invisible to me.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to stay home and pass out candy. It would be so uncomfortable to chit-chat with others while BM is standing right next to you. Ugh. Having to be careful about everything you say, and body language too? Doesn't sounds like fun to me. But passing out candy to cute little princesses and superheros all night - that sounds like a bunch of fun to me!

I think it's perfectly

I like that.

I think you are correct in

I think you are correct in your assessment.

I'm just not ready and I just can't bend over backwards to be with her when I absolutely just don't want to.

I also am starting to see the pattern emerging of how they operate. I tried to be a part of it making the best of it and it didn't work out so well for me.

I tried. I'm allowed to have limits and this is one of them. I accept them as the dysfunctional duo that they are but I reserve the right to step back and away from it.

We all seem to like it better that way anyways.

Thanks, vicks, for always understanding.

trick or treating with dh &

trick or treating with dh & bm ~ really, is that a joke?

Not kidding. Last year my

Not kidding.

Last year my exH, DH, and my ex-in laws all went together.

The year before... DH, BM, and my exH went.

The year before that just DH took them.

The year before that DH and I just took the kiddos.

We're strange that way.

One thing I've learned at my

One thing I've learned at my age is, you don't have to do things because you feel like you should want to or should be able to endure it, etc. It's good enough that you don't feel like joining the happy crew as they trick or treat. Half the time we put burdens of expectations on ourselves, of how we should act. DH makes noises about me and BM becoming social friends, and I'm like, no. Sure I won't be rude but deliberately engaging her in conversation like a potential friend, well, I'm not ready for that. May never be.

LizzieA....... You are

LizzieA.......

You are soooooo on it! Life is short and I do NOT do things because I feel "guilted" into them anymore. In 5 years, I've seen BM one time (yes that is 1!!!) - it was the one and only time I let DH put me in that situation. And, it was a forced situation when adult SD was being rewarded for her personal irresponsiblity/first baby (it was also the first time anyone met baby daddy). I do not wish to socialize with BM, I do not wish to be her friend, and I certainly do not want anything to do with her lifestyle. I can't even imagine having "family" outings and holidays with her! Actually, I WOULDN'T do it.

I used to want to be BM's

I used to want to be BM's friend. I thought it would be easier for the kids. But really, I don't agree with the way she does things... So I think it's better for me to keep my distance. I started to avoid going to the SSs games unless it is a weekend we have them. I don't want to listen to her talk to other parents for an hour and a half about where she went to dinner last night, or how her business is going, it is so uncomfortable. And none of the parents want to acknowledge that the SM is actually a parent too.... So DH goes by himself. And sometimes he will take our DS with.

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