BM and Being a Stepparent
I am just here to vent a little....
I just received a text from my DBF that BM texted him saying we have to keep SD12 for the rest of the weekend. Didn't ask, just said we had to. She has other family members that she could ask, it is her days to have SD12... DBF has to work all weekend. My daughter has a pagaent tomorrow night, and I have plans this weekend. Well guess what? That has changed since DBF has to work and I have to stay home. This has happend on numerous occasions where BM just springs something last minute and tells us what we are doing. But when we have plans, we have to ask if she is available to keep SD12 on one or two of our scheduled days. I expressed to DBF how I am sick of BM doing this pretty much every chance she gets, she did this a lot in the summer as well and I had to keep canceling plans because it was on the days that DBF worked. DBF was like, "I have no problem with keeping my daughter, I am sorry that it's inconvient for you." It wouldn't be if this didn't happen all of the time, yet we have to ask for permission and she has the chance of saying no, but we don't.
My DBF grandpa is currently in hospice and tonight is going to be the last night he sees him. I feel bad for arguing with him and I don't want to continue to argue about it, but I am so sick of this. For people who read my past posts know that SD12 loves to give me a run for my money, and she suffers from mini wife syndrom, so it doesn't make things any easier....
I just don't know how to express this any better without making it sound like I am saying that having SD12 is an inconvience...
No need to comment if you don't want to, I just need to type off the anger that I am experiencing.
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Comments
Why isn't she just allowed to
Why isn't she just allowed to stay home alone? At 12 she should be more than capable of being home for the day.
I wouldn't change my plans, BF might have to take his kid to work or find someone else for her to hang out with. What about talking to her friends parents, maybe a sleepover at their house this weekend and your house next time?
She can
She can stay home by herself, but she has the maturity level of a 5 year old. Yes she can take care of herself, but she needs to be constantly entertained. She has only one friend, and they aren't allowing any sleepovers right now due to their youngest not being vaccinated and they don't want to risk getting him sick or exposing him to covid. I just told DBF that I am not going to cancel my plans. My friend moved away, and it's very rare for her to be home, especially in the winter months. So I am still going to go to lunch with her and catch up, and I seriously want to take my time coming home because as soon as I get back I have to hop on the entertainment bus--
Glad to hear you are not
Glad to hear you are not changing your plans. But that last sentence saying you will have to hop on the entertainment bus when you get home. No. You do not. That is rediculous. Don't allow yourself to become a 12 year old's play thing.
You do not have to cater to a 12 year old!
You're right
I just dread it because there's always fricken attitude, and then she will sit there rolling her eyes and not saying anything. There's a bunch of issues leading up to all this which is causing me to be more angry. Just sucks that I sound like the bad guy for feeling this way right now.
when you get home, toss a
when you get home, toss a jigsaw puzzle on the table, pop in a movie and tah-dah...entertainment. if little Miss is upset because you aren't doing backflips while juggling, tell her to grab a book and read. Just because you're stuck being her watcher doesn't mean you have to kiss her ... feet. 12 can do so many things on her own. and while this time I get it, Grandpa takes precidence, but Dad needs to remember him not being there is not him getting more time with his child. let her roll her eyes, let her sit and sulk. not your problem, you aren't her butler, nanny or personal clown. she can either watch a movie with you or sulk.
You could be
You could be my mother's twin. That's pretty much what she said lol. I love your advice and will definitely try it and keep everyone updated!
Repeat after me... I don't
Repeat after me... I don't know, call your Dad mybe he can think of something for you to do.
You are not wrong to feel the
You are not wrong to feel the way you do and so what if you think having SD is an inconvenience? Your DH and his ex make it an inconvenience because between the two of them they still don't take care of her and they push her onto you at the last minute. Anyone would feel inconvenienced in your situation. Since the grandfather is sick, maybe do it this last time but don't change your plans again for something like this.
Thank you
Thank you for saying that. I just expressed to DBF that I may not be SD's mother, but I will be her stepmother and that I need to be included in any type of plans, especially when it's involving me keeping SD while he works. And I told him, she can be home by herself, I am not going to cancel on a friend who I have not seen in over a year. He just said he understands how I feel, and that's that for now. I am just trying to calm down but my blood is still boiling currently...
Hell no.
Hell no.
She is old enough to entertain herself. Disengage. Its the best thing you can do. I'd also remind her and everyone else in the house that YOU are the woman of the house....
The whole, "we have to keep SD12 for the rest of the weekend". Nope. I would drop her off at BM's regardless. Not cool. Especially knowing that your partner's grandfather is in hospice- not appropriate whatsoever...
Exactly
That's one thing that I am just hesitant on saying is that I am the woman of the house, but I know that I need to. Just last night she was like, "Daddy, this spring you and me are going to work out everyday and run the trails everyday, just you and me." It's like wtf? I so would drop her off to BM's but DBF doesn't want to cause drama or argue with her, so she's getting what she wants once again. I don't think BM knows that his grandfather is in hospice, nor does SD12... But you'd think he would be like, nope, it's your weekend.
"Well since BM changing plans
"Well since BM changing plans isn't an inconvenience for you, then you won't mind taking the two days off this weekend to take care of her. I have plans. Those aren't negotiable when you don't talk to me first and ASK if I can be available. I can't be, so figure it out."
He only says his daughter isn't an inconvenience because his schedule isn't the one that is being made to change. DO NOT CHANGE YOUR PLANS. He and BM are the parents; they can sort it out without you since your BF can't be bothered to talk to you beforehand.
Dying grandfather or not, this is a d*ck move on BF's part. Don't let him get away with treating you like this.
^^^This^^^
Sounds like this is a problem for your bf to figure out. Do NOT be any part of his solution.
Thank you
Thank you. You're right. And no way shape or form is his schedule being messed with, it's mine and I told him that. She can stay home by herself, but the problem is, she doesn't listen. When I tell her to keep the animals separated, she doesn't. If they aren't separated when me or DBF aren't home, they get in a fight that almost kills one of them. I don't trust her to be at home with them all day without her letting them out of thier kennels. I told her this morning, leave the dogs outside, she turned around and let them back into the house and I didn't have time to move them. I told her put them back outside, and she said why, and i said just put them back out there, I have to go to work. Did she? No. Just stuff like that just causes me a lot of anxiety.
What would they do?
If you weren't in the picture? Not your child, not your problem. Rule number one in this house was: if your kids are here, you're here.
And plans aren't made without discussing with you first. His response: Let me think about it and get back to you. (You are not mentioned)
After you two discuss and reach an agreement, then he responds yes or no.
If nothing else works, greet
If nothing else works, greet her with window cleaner and a pile of rags and tell her where to start. Also tell her that you will be inspecting and that if any are not done to your satisfaction, she will do them again. The next time she does the ironing, and so on.
Dammit, if you're stuck with her at least make her useful! Do not give in. She's not supposed to be there so she's going to be kept busy so she won't get bored. Sooner or later she won't want to come when it's not her time. Look on the bright side, she'll be learning valuable life skills!
Good advice
Very good advice. Though, I asked her to help me shovel off the porches last weekend, and she was like umm no, and I said umm yes, lets go and nope she didn't move. I am still learning what my "parental boundaries" and rules are because if she were my child, I would grab her up, put a shovel in her hand and say, "Now that you gave me attitude, you can do this porch by yourself, and if you refuse, there will be consequences." Just not sure how far I can actually go without causing issues. I will definitely have her clean the windows on satuday haha.
Holy hell.
Holy hell.
There's no way I'd babysit a kid who is allowed to say No to me.
Feck that.
And these guys wonder why
And these guys wonder why their wives are "inconvenienced!"
This happens to me too, but
This happens to me too, but less often because DBF has a calender with BM for the summer and we agree on a pattern for the school year. Sure, every once in a while she tries to change things or either of us have a vacation or do something else, we talk about it ahead of time (she never seems to remember tho, it's always an inconvenience to her even if we make up for the lost time) but bc they both agreed to the calender there is less wiggle room.
We need
We need something like that as well... but being the way that BM is, I am not fully sure this will work for her, since she planned so many trips already for spring and summer and has yet to inform DBF. *eyeroll*
Hun
You are a wise one. If you are left in charge of Miss Princess who does nothing you have every right to make her do whatever the hell you want her to LOL. You get my drift.
I sure hope you put your foot down on this. Its not your SO's weekend, he isnt even home, yet still you are saddled with a skid cause BM says "Cmd88 can watch her" NFW "sorry BM you can kiss my ass and figure out what to do with Miss cling on SD" Frankly Id be totally pissed at SO for putting this on you. This is really a favor for BM so F that. Your SO knows you will feel bad and say yes.
Practice "NO, NO, NFW NO"
Blessings hun
Oh yeah
I definitely put my foot down on this and am still working on it just so he can understand and that things need to fricken change, and change quick.
I am having Miss Princess do some heavy cleaning tomorrow for a few reasons. The massive attitude she gave me this morning, and the garbage she left all over the living room last night and expected me to clean it up. We have A LOT of windows in our house for her to wash, floors that need vaccuumed, hers and DD13's toiled to be scrubbed, it will be a funfilled day for little sweet SD12.
Isn’t it DBF DD?
Then it's up to him to deal with his DD. He said yes, then he finds a babysitter or he stays home to take care of her.
Its not your problem, or your job to take care of SD. SD has two birth parents, yoi are not one of them. Fo your own good you must stop this now. Or you will be the only one babysitter SD as both bio are playing. Only thing worst them work is babysitteing
TWO. If you don't shovel snow, we'll, you don't eat. Or no to any electronic. There is PB&J and there is bread. At 12 she will figure that out
Thank you
Thank you everyone.
I didn't know if I was being too harsh about all of this. This morning started off pretty bad with SD, as I had just asked if she would let out the dogs before catching the bus, and she was like, "I JUST GOT IN HERE BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WAKE ME UP!!!!" (My DD13 didn't wake her up). I said. "It is not her responsibility for waking you up for school every morning! You both need to have your own alarms set and I don't appreciate the attitude." Then I had to run to work as I was running late again...
I am just REALLY over SD12 and her attitude lately. I am going to make sure I am gone ALL day tomorrow because I am just done!!!
I have no problem with
I have no problem with keeping my daughter, I am sorry that it's inconvient for you."
He isn't keeping his daughter and gaslighting you to do it for him AND he isn't sorry for you one bit.
Yeah, trying to make it sound
Yeah, trying to make it sound like *he* is keeping her, for one, and being all petulant about it being an inconvenience. Damn right it's an inconvenience! This girl is rude, doesn't do what she should for her age (wake up for school), then OP gets blamed. Don't raise a little sh!t and maybe people won't be upset when they come around! Even taking care of a well-behaved child is an inconvenience if the carer is just blindsided by it, but if the kid has behavior problems? Yeah, this guy is an asshole.
Agreed!!!
I have stated before that she can be good, and she used to be pretty awesome to be around up until these past few months. Maybe she is about to start her period... I don't know. But this morning definitely set me off. First I see she left her pop can with a chewed up straw in the living room, wrappers on her side of the couch, and a dirty plate in the living room, as soon as I saw it, I wanted to say something but I was already running late for work, as I have to leave earlier now because of the roads being snowed over and icy. I only had time to ask her to put the dogs outside in their kennels and that's when all hell broke loose.
You're right, he's not the one keeping her, I am. He will see her for about 10 minutes tonight after she and I get back from my DD13's big night at the pagaent and then he won't see her until I am about to drive her snotty ass back to BM's. He was definitely being a jerk about this and inconsiderate, I had a talk with him about that already and he seems to understand, but will it change? We will see.
Yep
Definitely doesn't seem like he's sorry... because she can "watch herself now" He just wasn't getting my point at all--
LOL, he's hilarious....tries
LOL, he's hilarious....tries to guilt you with the 'inconvenience' line while HE goes to work. I hated that, BM dictating the extra days. It was some really bad fights for us about this, but it changed. We had my in-laws as interlopers, picking up SD after we said no to 'extra' time- then calling DH to come pick her up. We had made it clear that if he said NO to NOT circumvent his decision, and if they did then THEY would be the ones watching her.
It was a nightmare, BM was like that, dump her ALL the time with anyone/everyone.
Stay gone and enjoy your weekend.
My thoughts exactly.
My thoughts exactly. I didn't and haven't let this go yet. Because it's an on-going shit show. BM is psycho, obviously, but she doesn't need to get her way all of the time. If he has no fear of her taking precious SD12 away, then BM's shit needs to stop. He can hate conflict all he wants, but when it disturbs our relationship and tries to mess up my only days off, then stuff needs to be dealt with. She was SOOOOOO awful this morning and I have yet to tell DBF, but oh, it's coming. He sees it as she can watch herself so it shouldn't be an inconvience, but just her being there being a little effing snot and leaving her crap all over the house is a BIG inconvience.
I am going to try to enjoy my weekend for sure. Friday's are usually my favorite, but today... man I am just one angry bear walking around at work... lol I hope that you have a great weekend as well bananaseedo!!
Take DD & go to a hotel for
Take DD & go to a hotel for the weekend. This is your SO's problem he agreed to it & "I have no problem with keeping my daughter, I am sorry that it's inconvient for you."
Update:
Well. I did my own thing and SD12 pulled some crap, trying to get me in trouble, telling DBF that I had left in the early morning before she woke up, she didn't get up until almost noon, and I had left 15 minutes to. She was trying to make it sound like I had left her all by herself all day which doesn't even matter since she's damn old enough to be by herself. She ended up avoiding me the entire rest of the time until her dad got home and we had to take her to BM's, which is whatever. Me and DBF are taking a weekend away then end of this month, which will be nice. Since every other weekend we have SD12. It's been rough that is for sure.