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On the fence

Clovergirl's picture

Submitted by Clovergirl on Mon, 07/15/2013 - 2:11pm

What all of you said about my last post were, unfortunately, so right on. Onefootout, I agree he's doing exactly what you pointed out - preemptive strike. He wanted to manipulate me into caving in to play house with him, replace me with their psycho BM and become one loving family again. The problem is I did not make those kids with him, they are not the products of our love. Last night was the first time he said, "I have too much baggage right now." When I heard that my heart actually melted a little, made me feel like he's showing some guilt which he never did about his situation, he was always very defensive and thought I should compile and accept everything totally as is because I love him. I actually am thinking maybe I should try harder to "play house" with him. But on the other hand, it will be a long time, at least another 7 years of living like this until his kids are 18. 7 years is a long time, will I be okay? Will I harbor resentment towards him? I honestly don't care about how I feel towards his kids, I know I am already resent them but they will leave and on their own eventually. However will I go insane before this 7 years end?

He kissed and hugged me in bed before he got up and came in to kiss and hug me again before he stepped out of the door and told me he loved me like he always did as if last night never existed. I am so on the fence right now.

Comments

WarmBody's picture

Submitted by WarmBody on Mon, 07/15/2013 - 2:26pm

There are guys out there without kids. You would be happy with one and not miss your old life with this guy one bit. It's okay to be sad as it's natural at the end of any relationship where you loved someone but your life will get better. Believe it!

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Mon, 07/15/2013 - 2:33pm

He will not change. The situation with his kids will not change even when they turn 18.
You are doing yourself, your SO, and his kids a disservice if you continue to stay in this relationship. None of you will be happy with the end results.

WARNING hard truth here...sorry about this.....you are deluding yourself if you think that you can change this. No amount of love or hard work can mold your SO and his kids into the family that you want AND DESERVE for yourself. Think all the "but ifs....." that you want, but you KNOW this, girlfriend, you KNOW THIS. I think you are trying to talk yourself out of it and find some reason, ANY reason to stay.

I understand, I really, really, really do....I am living it myself currently. My SO and I are broken up, but I caved and we hang out and bounce the bedsprings once in a while, but it's total Fantasy Land. It's not going anywhere. I know it, and he knows it and as soon as I pull my head out of my ass and stop this nonsense, I can really move on. I'm almost there!!!!!

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 07/15/2013 - 2:53pm

AMEN!

"he was always very defensive and thought I should compile and accept everything totally as is because I love him."

Let me tell you it doesn't get any better. Guilty daddies expect you to accept EVERYTHING they dish out for the sake of "love." I've been in this 10 looooonnnnnngggggg years. I REFUSE to marry him because I've seen his "dark" side and he's shown me his true colours, i.e. used me as his emotional (and sometimes physical) punching bag. That physical part started about 6 years in when I sold my precious home in order to move into a DUMP to be "closer to his kids" (TM) That and he has NOTHING financially to offer me--it all goes to CS and will be going to CS for a very, very long time.

I never for once thought he would be my worst relationship YET as I was married to a bolter and then to a now-deceased full blown alcoholic. Turns out when we moved to be "closer to his kids" (TM) His "Mr. Hyde" came out in a big way. He too turned out to be an abusive alcoholic, yet almost all his wages go to the "first family" and he has at least 11 more years to go (CS goes to 21 in NYS and he broke up with the BM soon after the third "planned" kid was born :O )

All three of his kids have been PASed out by the BM and her "team" (family/community) so that they haven't been around for almost four years now. . .the result of us "moving closer to his kids" (TM) Of course he blames ME for all of it and he'll blame YOU for whatever bad happens in his life. Built in scapegoat.

If you like to live with constant "bite the hand that feeds you" syndrome, then stay in this relationship. My advice on the whole is to run, RUN, RUN for the hills!

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Mon, 07/15/2013 - 3:20pm

Clover you have a lot to think about, and you don't have to decide today, but his hugging and kissing like nothing happened, he's still doing exactly what my ex did to me. I'll post more tonight when I have time. I didn't see this behavior when I was in the thick of it, I only saw it when I got some distance between me and my ex.