Don't know if I can continue
First let me say that I do love my DH, he is very supportive and all that. My SD is 13 and I don't have any children of my own. She lives with us full time and has no set visits with her BM, both just let her go when she wants. Anyways the problem is I don't know if I want to be in this position any more. I brought no baggage into this relationship and have a great job, friends and am financially stable all on my own. My DH on the other hand brought in excessive baggage and no financial stablity, he is just now financially stable. I am not happy I don't want to be a SM anymore I am sick of the disrespect and all that goes with it. We were just suppose to take SD for a year to see how it went. Well it has now been 4 years and I am done. I want her BM's life, no kids living with her and no responsibility financially or emotionally to any of her children.
I think part of this is that I am almost at 40. DH and I can't have children because of a choice he and his ex wife made and I was fine with that, but if I can't have my own why do I have to raise someone elses? I want to travel, I want to be able to do what I want when I want and not have to worry about someone elses child. I don't know if I can last another 5 years because who knows if she would leave after that. I just don't know anymore. I blew at my DH last night and he really didn't deserve it, but I am just at a lose of what to do.
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Sounds to me like you're
Sounds to me like you're ready to fly and be independent.
Have you had this discussion with DH? Let him know how having SD13 full time is hurting your relationship? Discussed maybe a structured, shared schedule with BM? Explained that the 1 year was up 3 yrs ago and you may not make it another 5...
I hear you loud and clear as
I hear you loud and clear as your story is exactly the same as mine, aside form the SO financial insecurity. My SD is pretty nice and we are friends, but there are things on an everday basis that require my tolerance, compromise, forgiveness, adaptation and my putting myself out. Sometimes all of this just ends up in me being in the kind of frame of mind that you are in - an independent life with no baggae and massive restrictions on holidays, weekends even evenings - a single life basically, seems very alluring.
I just hope that whatever you choose, it makes you fundamentally happy and does not waste even a week of your life, because it's all we've got and it's just as precious as our SD's and SO's lives.
When in a simialr state as yours recently I had a little breakthrough, which was to make decisions based on what I wanted, rather than automatically doing what the family might need or expect. So now I don't take weekend breaks with them, I don't always go out for dinner with SO and SD and enjoy an evening by myself, I see friends and am planning holidays with others or by myself for the year ahead. When I first thought of this approach it occred to me that I may as well be single if I'm going to act like this, but I've found I'm much happier at home with the family unit now and that SO is actually stepping up and trying to have an adult relaitonship without SD just for us.
I don't know if this will work out long term because I too want to go traveling for extended periods and don't want to give this up just because someone else has a kid who will not ever spend time with her other parent, and to be totally honest when SMs say someting to the effect of " it's only 4-5 more years till its over" I bawk: that's a massive chunk of life we're sacreficing with little acknowledgment from those we sacrefice for.
It will be intertesting to see how our stories work out
I think many of us were
I think many of us were raised to be "helpful" and to "care for others".
Not that I do any of that.
But I had to break out of years of tradition to realize that it was okay to put myself first. I don't want to be a stepparent. I do not wish to assume any responsibility for BM's crotch droppings.
She fucked up those two boys (with DH's assistance). I did not even know they existed. So why in the hell should I now give a shit about them?