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How many of us Stepparents are the breadwinners?

Catlover's picture

Submitted by Catlover on Wed, 08/19/2009 - 9:48am

Of all you ladies (and gentlemen) who among you is the main financial contributor in your relationships? How do you feel about it? And do you have limits in place (ie. how much you are putting in of your own dough to court costs, skids expenses etc) to keep you from feeling like you are being taken advantage of?

I am looking at heading back to work full time, mostly because DH's job just can't pay the bills (he's a laid off airline pilot doing contract charter work now). I potentially have the earning ability within two years to double what he can bring home. This would mean that he would be the main "go to" parent (if kids are sick, home, etc), and would be able to flex his hours somewhat to accommodate my working. We have the skids (9 and 12) 50/50, and we have a BD 16 months.

Thing is....I'm not sure how I FEEL about this. I know, I know I'm going to probably get bashed for this, but...I don't know that I like the idea of working my tail off so that the money can go right to paying for the skids stuff (Braces for both, activities, never ending legal fees from battles with BM etc) Both skids, but especially SS 9 has this huge Entitlement issue, where they believe the world should be handed to them.

Worse yet, DH has an agreement with BM stating that he provides the skids health/dental insurance. This means that the skids would go on my insurance??? Not sure I like that!

I have talked to DH about this, and told him that I would like to keep a portion of my income separate for BD. IE. 5% for BD extra. My reasoning is that the skids have TWO households (4 parents income total), while BD only has 2 incomes. If I am expected to contribute towards the skids financially, that ok, but I feel that I should be fair to BD. DH seems to think that my contributions to all three kids should be equal.

To make a long story short...I'm wondering how you all handle this if you are the main financial contributor? Am I being too petty in this?

Comments

Catlover's picture

Submitted by Catlover on Wed, 08/19/2009 - 10:13am

that they are all "our kids" and as such should be treated equally.

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

WowjustWow's picture

Submitted by WowjustWow on Wed, 08/19/2009 - 10:04am

I think you are being reasonable when you don't want all of your money to go to Skids. I make a bit more than DH and a LOT more when you take out CS from his check, so I can understand where you are coming from.

Having the kids on your insurance shouldn't be an issue, as long as DH pays for the difference. As for braces, BM and DH should be paying that, not you. Although in our case DH is paying for all of SD12's braces because BM refuses to work and is broker than a joke. And god forbid she use any of the CS money she gets to pay for half of the monthly payment.

When I first moved in with DH, I paid for EVERYTHING. I still pay for a lot, but I have put most of the financial responsibility back on him. My money is my money. If I CHOOSE to pay for something for SD's that is my choice. If it's something that has to be paid for (i.e. school sports fees) DH pays me back.

**edit to add that BD should get more from you. She is afterall, YOUR child. JMO. **

That's how we do it, but everyone is different.

1's picture

Submitted by 1 on Wed, 08/19/2009 - 10:15am

no matter if you are step or not. In the very beginning of my relationship I didn't work (skids 50/50 & BS7)...few years later I was working full time and he was unemployed....he was the worst Mr. Mom in the world!....but it had to be done. Another couple of years later now he is disabled (receives VA disability and state disability) but is a full time student (VA pays for all educational expenses AND monthly allowance for living) He also has a part time job at the college (mainly to keep busy). VA pays our medical insurance. Our monthly income is enough so that he gave me the option to be the stay at home parent to our now 4 kids...BS12, SD9, SS7, BD6months.

Each time things changed DH and I sat down and laid it all out...our monthly budget and who was "expected" to do what around the house. During the time I was working full time and supporting our household skids were in a very expensive daycare/school which he was responsible for half and my son was going to public school. DH and BM also went to court twice on my dime but each time DH and I agreed it needed to be done so I didn't mind that so much.

I receive child support for BS12 which is put into a separate savings and used for BS12 misc expenses...DH hasn't had a problem with that. I still use our joint account to buy school clothes and that sort of thing but his child support is used for all the extra things he needs/wants. BD6months now has her savings and I intend to use that for misc expenses as well. Nothing is ever "fair" or equal when it comes to kids and I don't care who says different, it just isn't so. DH and I thankfully agree that our lives are not put on hold during the week skids go with BM and our other two kids don't go without during that week either.

I don't think you are being petty but that's just me.....

"The women before me must have been hard on you cause that hurt in your eyes I never put you through....Sometimes I think you must be talking to the women before me and you"

misguided's picture

Submitted by misguided on Wed, 08/19/2009 - 10:36am

I make quite a bit more than DH and being a second marriage and having kid coming into this marriage, we agreed to have completely separate accounts. We signed a prenup and our deal is my money is mine and his is his. He pays the mortgage and I pay everything else. I have lent him about 25,000.00 over the last year though for legal bills and to get himself out of a 18% credit card debt. I don't ever want to feel like a "sugar mama" because I would resent it but the truth is by lending him the money even though there is a written agreement to pay it back I am basicly paying for his kids shit anyway. Yes, there are times I really resent it.

libby's picture

Submitted by libby on Wed, 08/19/2009 - 11:35am

And a mother of two BC that I am the sole provider for - X doesn't pay child support.

My DH has two children he pays support - directly out of his check or Unemployment - he is also required to pay for medical insurance and half of all other expenses

Since the BM in our family is crazy, and a felon, and likes to control our household these are some options that might help

1) we went with a private insurance company for the children - you can insure just the kids - I will not use my employer sponsored heath insurance to cover their children, if she doesnt like the insurance coverage you are more than welcome to take out another one afterall they are your children - check out esurance - sometime the over deal is better per month - then both BM and DH can contact the insurance company on coverage without the worry of BM - snooping on my kids DH or my health conditions - she has tried this before

2) I do not cover any extra expense for my SK period unless it is something that will stay at my house, and I want to do it - personally my view is been hardened because I have been left sole provider of my children, but frankly since my DH is out of work collecting UE and BM is still getting her CS + some (whole different story there) well that plus some is money is being taken out of my household and part of a bill I have to cover - therefore taking money away from my kids - So in part BM is having to pay DH half of prescription drugs/doctor visit co-pays since I will not have more money being taken from my kids period.

3) BM owes us several thousands in Medical Bills that just happen to be in DH name and to date has not paid any of them. There fore in my mind I need to collect where possible and keep running track.

4) Bottom line she is custodial parent you take care of your kids - I am custodial parent of my kids I take care of them!

5) I will however always pay attorney or help pay attorney fees for DH! I believe in always having an attorney to deal with this crazy B*%ch - With the amount of false accusations she has made against me DH and oldest BC I feel I just need to protect our assets as much as possible.

Really my theory is child support and splitting expense the idea of it is to make sure the child lives the same life style had the parent never divorced. If dad or mom is unemployed - then its the other ones job to cover the expense. Not Dads new wife's lifestyle - since I know I make triple what BM and DH made combined.