Are all boys like this or just SS? (need to vent)
SS just turned a ripe old age of 9 last weekend. Unfortunately his behavior is more like a 3 year old. Forget helping with chores or taking any responsibility. He can't even handle basic tasks. He doesn't flush the toilet, never washes his hands, can barely tie his shoes, and would go days without brushing his teeth if not hounded. He lies about everything, even if we are standing right there watching him do it. He'll come out of the bathroom and we'll ask, "did you flush? Wash your hands? Turn out the light?" Him: "yes." Needless to say none of it was done and we have to follow him around to make sure his basic needs are being completed (ie I have resorted to smelling his hands for the soap smell when he comes out of the bathroom.) We have tried incentives, positive attention, etc but nothing works with him.
The worst part, though, is his attitude. He throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. If he doesn't get a toy, if he has to eat something he doesn't like (he only likes junk food by the way), etc, he will start screaming, crying, sobbing and whining and literally throw himself on the floor. He has been like this since I've known him (over 3 years) Last night we had sweet potatoes for supper (I put together a monthly menu of meals, and try to incorporate foods everyone likes; always giving SS smaller portions of things he'll blow a fit over). He of course looked down and said "I don't like this." DH said, "you've never had them before, try it." He refused and began sobbing and yelling, "DAAAAAAADDDD I don't liiiiiike this" He throws his silverware and kicks his chair. Luckily DH and I are on the same page. DH looked at him and told him "Too bad, eat it." SS proceeded to yell and sob that somehow it was MY fault for making something that he didn't like. Then he started yelling at his dad because DH didn't give him what he wanted for his birthday. Everything is everyone else's fault. DH ended up sending him to his room and telling him that he wouldn't get any snacks the rest of the evening. DH says that this behavior is just typical "boy" behavior. I truly don't know if this IS just boys and maturity issues, or if SS is screwed up. I worry about what his behavior will be like in the future if he's this bad at 9. I also worry what effect this will have on BD as she grows up (she's 10 months.)
This has caused me to wonder if I'm just not equipped to deal with boys. (I have a great relationship with SD11 and BD10months.) DH and I have discussed whether to add to our family in the future, but to be honest, I'm scared that I'd have a boy and not be able to deal with these "typical" behaviors. DH and I have tried to get both skids into counseling but BM refused to allow it (we have 50/50 placement). I'm truly at a loss here....
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That is so not typical boy behavior
Why don't you get counseling for the Skids on your time?
My SS is pretty bad about remembering to do things at times but that's typical kid behavior forgetting things they don't want to deal with or do. The temper tantrums use to happen with us as well when we got SS full-time he had also sorts of issues including screaming fits. It took a year of us not putting up with any of it to get him to stop.
If SS doesn't want to eat what's in front of him, to bad he gets to sit there until it's gone and if that doesn't happen it goes right in the frig and he gets it for dinner the next night. Trust me sooner or later he's going to get hungry and eat what's in front of him.
Yelling at an adult not tolerated. SS use to yell and he'd even try to get into verbal arguments with me. That stopped when I told him that the next time he did that every video game he owned would be gone, I was good on my word and it took him a month of proving he wasn't going to yell all the time to get them back.
For us the thing that worked best is tough love. He's use to getting away with his behavior and not getting any consequences. We had to make sure to dicipline him for EVERY thing he did that was not acceptable until he finally learned that he would lose out for certain behaviors. It's a pain but a year later we've got a kid that doesn't talk back and doesn't complain about not getting toys and eats what's on his plate.
I raised 2 boys
and while not wanting to brush their teeth or take a shower was common, tantrums were not.
they never threw silverware or stomped their feet at us.
what that is there is SPOILED. continue to follow thru with punishment and I think little tantrum boy will "grow up"
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
SS
"I truly don't know if this IS just boys and maturity issues, or if SS is screwed up." He is 100% more screwed up than most boys his age. He needs some serious help, sooooner rather than later.
When you take him to the brain doctor print off the paragraph that you just typed up and let them take a look at it.
Yes, at BMs house
the skids are free to do what they want unsupervised: hours of video games and tv. Last week SS was playing 'Medal of Honor' (a very lifelike war/violent video game) at her house. DH has tried to talk to BM about these things and her response is "you can't tell me how to parent at my house." They also eat fast food for every meal as BM doesn't cook. We've heard SS when on the phone w/her and he will bully her until she gives in to him. We hold the line with him, but any progress is quickly gone when he goes to BMs. We just had a GAL appointed by the court to sort out placement schedule and hopefully he will mandate counseling. BM refused to sign consent forms for counseling (we have joint custody) and threatened to show up at all the sessions regardless of whether SS was with her so she would sit in on the session. The therapist finally said that BM was putting up too many roadblocks for therapy.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
sounds like SD8!
this sounds like my SD8, won't be 9 until this summer.
She will pretend not to hear you when you ask her about anything. Mention chocolate under your breath in the next room and she's got supersonic hearing.
Faced with the confrontation she did something wrong and is getting a concequence for it, she'll argue/yell/scream with you until you swear you're insane.
Seriously, she screamed herself into such a fit last week she gave herself black eyes from ruptured blood vessels.
She's in therapy diagnosed with some "transition" disorder but most of this comes from the fact there are no rules a BM's house, no structure or concequences which is where she spends half the time. Horrible nutrition, contstant manipulation by everyone, BM keeping SD8 her "baby"...
I worry A LOT about the future with this kid. The stealing, lying, the emotional manipulation she pulls on her dad, her influence on my 2 kids, etc. The therapist says not to think too much into the future and worst case scenario but its REALLY hard not to imagine myself padlocking my closet, or getting the call from jail, or imaganing my DH following her up an down the street when she runs away again, or....
Start with therapy and keep on the consistency. Its all you can do.
My 12 year old nephew was the same way...
...when it came to showering, washing hands, brushing teeth, flushing the toilet. It used to be a chore to get him to take a shower. He would leave his clothes on the floor right where they dropped off his body. However, he did not throw temper tantrums when he didn't get his way. In his case, his mother didn't care enough to teach him how or why he needed to do all the above. There was no parental supervision in his mother's house at all. She would lock herself in her bedroom, smoke some meth and let the kids run wild. I'm amazed that my nephew is as good as he is, considering who his mother is. He's really is a good kid but was on the verge of going down the wrong path.
He has been living with my mother now for the past 3-4 months, and since he is getting the proper and consistent supervision all kids need, he is showing improvement in all areas. He now ASKS to take a shower, he goes to school clean wearing decent clothing, his hair is kept trimmed, his grades are improving. His teachers and even the school principal has noticed the change in him and attributes those changes to my mother. The poor kid would have fallen through the cracks if it weren't for my mother. God bless her!
Ah tantrums
my SS has been known to throw those sorts of tantrums only twice with H and I in the past 6 years but regularly with BM. SS has seen BM throw these fits and lay in the floor and cry like a 2 year old when she is upset or things not going her way. H said when he and BM were married he would go stand in the front yard when she had her fits so everyone could see he was outside not touching her and she was in there throwing the fit. So does BM act this way? Does he act this way with BM?
Now the bathroom and all other personal things I think that is typical boy as my SS is 8 and I still remind to flush wash hands brush teeth good etc.
My BD 8
Just started counseling for this issue. She can be completely loving and functional within in the family. But she is very defiant and goes into terrible "tantrums". Behavior that was never "modeled" for her my us or her old brother (my bio 10) and the SS's (10 and 11) have never acted like that. It has gotten continually worse with age.
She just had her second appt today with counselor to begin her assessment.
So I would say NO - not typical. I have been involved with my skids (if that is what you want to call it) for 5 yrs. My son is 10 and they most certainly do not act like that.
I advise to see counselor.
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
My boys
were nothing like this (except maybe the hygeine part some;) but my SD was like that at 9 and now she's 20 and the manipulation and lying has gotten SO OUT OF CONTROL. This is SO not normal behavior!
Not normal
My neice used to throw such horrible tantrums that she would throw up and wet her pants. Her tantrums could last up to hours. My mother finally had enough and told my sister that she needed to crack down, this could not go on, she was 6 yrs old. Now at 8 she is much better, she still throws tantrums but the stop after about 10-15 mins and she doesn't throw up or wet her pants anymore.
If you can't get a handle on this I would also advise counseling if you can afford it.
SD7 has some of these problems.
She used to have the fit throwing problem. She would just freak out over anything. It wasn't mean spirited though, she's the sweetest child ever. Just, you'd tell her something and she'd cry up a storm and pout like you killed her best friend. We finally got that under control. I don't know if it was the transition between her mom having custody to us having custody that was bothering her, but we just told her that was unacceptable and punished her appropriately, as in when she didn't get her way and threw a fit, she didn't get to do or have whatever she was throwing a fit over for quite some time. She still overreacts if she so very minorly hurts herself, so we're still working with her. I mean, it can be something as small as the dog jumping on her (he's all of like 20 pounds) and you'd think he'd ripped her arm off the way this kid goes on. We just aren't catering to it and she's improving greatly.
Also, this kid CANNOT figure out her basic routines as in, take a shower, hang up your towel, pick up your dirty clothes, etc. She leaves everything where ever she takes it off, clothes, shoes, socks, coat, bag and we constantly hound her about what to do with all of those things. Everyday we remind her. She's got atrocious table manners and we've been working with her on that for years. SS5 has it all down better than she does. I honestly think, she might have a learning disability. We're working with the school on that right now. From what I've been told, it looks like she's ADD - which I'm going to have to research because if that's what it is, I so don't want to drug her AND/OR dyslexic, which I've recently learned can affect how a child learns routines. She's a smart kid, the most advanced reader in her class, we've just got to figure out what's not clicking and why. And she's not at all defiant. She's the sweetest kid BF has of the three. Very thoughtful of others and when she's reminded to do something she jumps to it. I honestly think she's trying. I've considered making her lists, with pictures to help her with her routines. I'm not sure what to do at this point.
So, ya, get this kid some help because it isn't normal, but there could be an underlying issue that a professional could advise you on how to proceed.
Sounds like they have very different attitudes though. That sweet potato fit, um ... yeah. I think I'd have to give him something to really cry about.
SD7
(Also, this kid CANNOT figure out her basic routines as in, take a shower, hang up your towel, pick up your dirty clothes, etc. She leaves everything where ever she takes it off, clothes, shoes, socks, coat, bag and we constantly hound her about what to do with all of those things. Everyday we remind her. She's got atrocious table manners and we've been working with her on that for years.
Sounds like SS16-Zippy NOW -DH is still working on all of this!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
DH says that this behavior is just typical "boy" behavior
I call "BULLS#*T"!!!
God, I despise it when fathers use this line. It's not typical. It's "inappropriate" behavior.
And it's a total COPOUT by your DH for his laziness not to parent his child.
Like the other posters said, sure boys aren't the best when it comes to hygiene (many young girls aren't the best at this age, either) but throwing tantrums at this age is not acceptable at all.
The problem is not the child- it is the adult, and how he deals with the child. Period. The child is only getting away with exactly what he knows he CAN get away with. Daddy is enabling his inappropriate behvior.
Children just need to be taught. Looks like DH needs to sit down and watch a couple episodes of SuperNanny! (God, I love her!)
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"