SO and I have already talked about this and the kids aren’t even teens yet. We both agree that the kids get summer after their senior year unless they start paying rent like a roommate. If they go to college then they can remain home without paying for stuff if they continue to do well and follow our rules. If they go to college we’ll help some way but we aren’t paying everything. We expect them to get scholarships as such but I don’t mind carrying them on a cell phone plan or covering car insurance.

Thankfully we both agree. My mother covered my cell phone. As a gift they helped me buy a car by putting it in their name and they paid about $600 before I got promoted at my summer job. I was also paying $100 for my car insurance each month and my mom secretly was paying it towards my car but that was completely her option. All together they were willing to cover about 200 a month during the summer and ended up saving me about 60 a month by keeping me on their cell phone plan. SO didn’t even get that so he’s fine throwing them out to join the military which is what he did.

the kind of thing your DH is paying sound fairly reasonable for a parent to pay.  I am assuming that you both contribute to the joint account.. and that you also are able to spend discretionary money from it?  I think I might discuss the amount that you think is fair.. for you to each spend monthly on a discretionary basis.. what he spends on her comes out of HIS pot of discretionary money though. 

Maybe since she works for him, he could be deducting some of these expenses from what she is paid.  Where is she living? with you? or on her own?

It's popular on here to want to cut skids off when they turn 18, but I certainly wasn't completely financially independent at that age.  I was still on my parents' insurance, and while I was expected to have jobs and pay for my own "fun", etc, they certainly helped me financially in a lot of ways. I don't think helping with health care costs is unreasonable, but there should be a plan for her to become financially independent.

What does she pay for? Does BM pay for her phone, her car, etc?  At least DH isn't springing for those costs.

Every month BM sends us a spreadsheet of what we owe her

Maybe this is where DH starts. Daughter is 18. It's time for a money discussion between DH and daughter. The check I'd write to BM is for the medical as it's her plan. Daughter is an adult and working and the copays should be hers.

It's time for daughter to learn the realities of cost of items. Can't see. Dad can pay one half of glasses. Want contacts too. That's for you to pay. Daughter can learn to tell Dad about appointments and bills before she makes them. That way she can have his check made out to the provider when she buys.

Birth control. would be my only exception. That I'd pay for in full.

High school graduation was the big send off for us.  They all stayed on insurance but were responsible for copays and charges.  They stayed on car insurance and phone plans but paid their share.  They got jobs and either moved into the dorm or an apartment with roommates.  

My bios have access to my Prime account for text books and Hulu and Netflix.  My oldest is married and on her own.  

If you didn't prepare your kids to launch, you can't expect them to know how or to know its expectred in the first place.  

You can't just cram for adulthood.  It takes dedication and persisitence to parent a kid to launch.  

3 of the skids still live with BM.  I have no idea what deal she has with them, but I do know she is cheap and makes them pay for lots of stuff.  

The key is what does the divorce decree say about child support? Is the support to last until she is 18 and out of school? Or 21? What is the age of adult in your state? My DH divorce decree didn't call out exact timelines on this because he had full custody and the BM wasn't able to financially contribute. In our state the age of majority is 18, so we would continue to support as long as they are still in school and had plans to continue with education. If the road is not education, then the kid needs to acquire their own insurance and pay rent, or get their own apartment.

At 18, my parents, who are divorced, expected me to get a job and go to college. If I went to college, I had to live on campus/out of their house. If I skipped college, I had to work and find an apartment.

It was expected that I make Dean's List every semester and worked while going to school. They helped pay for college (as in, directly to the school), covered me on health insurance, paid my car insurance (because the car was in my dad's name), and kept me on the family phone plan. So long as I maintained good grades and a job, this was their support.

I had to pay for my portion of the cell phone, food, utilities, gas, medication, medical bills, clothes, and anything extra I wanted. They primarily didn't want me living without a roof over my head, and I gave the car back my senior year. Once I graduated, I was on my own.

I think it's great when parents can help their kids who help themselves. My parents gave me the freedom to be broke but not desperate, which allowed me to do well in school.

Your DH, IMO, should take the same approach. I think it's reasonable to help with health insurance, but birth control should be her expense. Keep her on the family cell plan, but make her pay her portion. If she isn't paying rent and utilities at BM's, then she can pay her own car insurance, or a large portion of it.

And, as mentioned above, DH should be having monetary discussions with SD, not getting spreadsheets from BM. If I had an insurance issue, my mom would tell me to talk to my dad. Phone issue? Talk to Mom. It was MY responsibility to figure out my monetary issues with the parent who was assisting, not cry and complain until my parents dished me out a solution.

You are well within your rights to pull the money from the joint account until DH stops subsidizing SD with it. He should be making SD responsible for some/all of her own bills, especially if she doesn't have to worry about food, heat, and shelter.

I know plenty of 18 year olds whose parents are still paying for their insurance, their medical expenses, their cell phones, etc.  Of course, most of them are still in school.  I was thinking all of this sounded A-OK to me until I read that your SD is working, somehow has money to spend on tattoos and piercings and has been fired from multiple jobs.   Knowing that, I worry that your husband is enabling her to make foolish spending and financial decisions and not dedicate herself to a job.

Also, why is he dealing with BM for all this instead of just dealing with SD?  Does she live with BM?  Is she on BM's insurance policy?  If so, does it actually cost BM extra to carry SD?  My dad carries me on his insurance, and since he already has the family plan, it's the same cost whether I'm included or not. 

My dad often told me that he was happy to feed me, but he wouldn't fatten me up. LOL.

When I was in college, my parents were willing to cover much of the basics, but not the luxuries.  When I got to the point where I was able to afford the luxuries of life on my own? That meant I could pay for the basics as well. They weren't going to subsidize my lifestyle.

I feel like you might not actually be bothered to pay these things for her – *if* she were contributing to her betterment in some way like going to college and earning decent grades, holding down a job, and not getting fired nine times or using her money for something other than tattoos. Is this correct? Because if so, I feel like the conversation you really have to have with your DH is not about finances, but about the expectations of his offspring. And I feel like those ones are a little harder to have.

Because of what I’ve learned here, I’ve already started having these conversations with my DH, even though OSD is only 12. I know it’s going to take a good couple years before he’s ready to accept the fact that he isn’t responsible for her everything, for all of eternity. LOL.

Good luck to you.  If you have the conversation and it goes well, come back with some pointers for the rest of us! J

The issue is NOT one of should you help a kid out after 18, but HOW MUCH and UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES.

My parents helped me out, I was working parttime and schooling parttime and JC. I did not spend $ on tatoos, piercings drinking or drugs.

That being said, time to have a "come to jesus or whomeever moment". subsidizing a working, schooling almost adult is one thing. Subsidizing a lazy, selfish, entitled arrested development almost adult is quite another.

YOU are not responsible for this child HE is. 

I didn’t grow up in the US, so I can’t comment on the health insurance & copays, though from what I gather it seems reasonable to start expecting her to contribute to her own healthcare in some way.

My parents were always willing to help us out, but there was never an issue with me or any of my siblings ever sticking around past high school, and we all had part time jobs in school & contributed to our own wellbeing far before we ever officially launched. 

I’m nearing 35 now & my parents still help here & there, but it’s never ever expected, nor is it the norm. 

I think the greatest gift a parent can give their children is to teach them to be independent. I think some of the fees your DH is paying seem reasonable, but the fact that she’s not contributing at all to her own living costs while getting tattoos & going out drinking & getting fired from jobs left right & center.... Id be peed off big time with my funds contributing to that. And the spreadsheet from BM.... omg no.  at this age any money should be going directly to SD, or the medical providers directly, unless it’s specifically stated otherwise in the CO. At 18 nearly 19 your SD should have responsibilities, including how to take care of herself. 

How long is this expected to continue? Id find a way to separate your money, or contribute the same amount that needlessly goes to SD (health insurance & birth control yes, contact lenses & needless appointments she should pay for herself), and put it into a slush fund for myself. 

Your DH is enabling his daughter to live a life of dependence, I don’t see that as love. It’s definitely not great parenting & Id be frustrated with it as well!

So he pays her med bills while she gets tattoos. Ive heard of doctors who treat medicaid patients with tats, manicured nails, designer purses and they get pissed off since medicaid pays nothing. I still subsidize my sons at 24 & 22. They both just graduated college last May...24 with a masters and 22 with a bachelors. They are getting on their feet but responsible so I help them.  SD19 is gonna get herself cut off soon. She registers for and then fails or drops classes. She needs money to fix her car cuz she spent hers on concerts, vacations and tattoos. We lent jer the money for brakes bit we are done letting her be irresponsible. Although I did buy her an outfit for an interview today...fingers crossed

Here's what we do with kids and skids.....if you go to college, we keep you on our insurance, we pay your cell phone bill, and car insurance.  There is a set amount of money that we give for tuition/living expenses, but you are expected to work and/or take out loans to cover the rest.  

Once you graduate from college, we continue paying cell phone bill/car insurance for six months.  We will also keep you on our health insurance, if you are in graduate school (Thing2) or if it doesn't cost us anything extra (family plan).  Thing1 is still on my health insurance because it doesn't cost me anything to have him on and it saves him a little bit of money by not having to take it out from his employer.

I think most kids should be weaned off, rather than cut off (unless they are abusing substances). But if parents wait too long to begin the weaning process, it generally ends up being a cut off situation as the kids expect their entitlements.