Deep in despair, about to kick the skid out...
I am in deep emotional despair and need to be talked out of doing something radical.
My SD15 just arrived last night from out of town for her spring visit. Everything was going fine. We’ve had our ups and downs, you know the typical stuff. We’ve exercised visitation for the last 4 years, 5 times a year. So I can hardly call myself a SM. We don’t talk outside of her visits but her Dad and her talk regularly. They have a good relationship. Anyway, we had lunch together today and while talking she told us she “twitters”. Also we discussed taking her to her older sisters house and letting her spend the night. (she’s only here for 4 nights) … So I get back to work and looked up her name on Twitter. There it was. A tweet only minutes earlier “Ughh, I hate these people….I’m gonna go to my sisterssss!!!!<3”
I know it sounds completely middle school of me, but it really hurt my feelings, profoundly. And I don’t even know what I did or said to deserve it. So I copied the tweet and sent it to DH and told him if she hated us that much she should just spend the remaining 3 nights with big sis and let her take her back to the airport. His response was that I was making too big of an issue out of it, which infuriates me more. What?, so I suppose to stand by and be nice to this kid and her servant for the remaining week, who has no remorse for denigrating me to the online masses that read her twitter.
So he called her and told her I read her post….He calls me and tells me she swears it wasn’t about us….yeah right…I read down thru all her posts and there was no context that would support such a claim. He believes her…I don’t. And now I believe it’s going to be a big deal. A really big deal if you know what I mean.
Help!
(sorry if there are any typo's I'm crying)
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Wasn't about you guys?
Wasn't about you guys? Really DH, then who was it about? The Martian gnomes hiding in her closet?
I totally feel for you. DH once compared me coming here to SD totally trashing me on Facebook. Seriously? Since when is Facebook anonymous? How is specifying the person that's married to SD's father Anonymous when on that's right, it's all under her Name. Not anonymous DH. And thus not even Close to the same thing.
The two-faced crap is hurtful and it totally sucks. DH blowing it off like it's nothing would make me want to rip his face off.
You have a few options. You can chose to let it go - you don't see her that often, she's 15, can you take it as a one time thing, blow it off and ignore it? If not, you have the option of confronting her about it directly - print it off put it on the table and ask her flat out who it was about if it wasn't about you and DH - I mean, based on the timing and your conversation together, let's really Have that conversation. Now this could be a problem if your DH decides to jump and defend her if she's lying or could back and hit you with the "you hate my daughter" crap if she backs down, swears she didn't mean it or whatever.
But honestly, it's pretty obviously about you, and you and DH need to get on the same page. He may be wearing rosy colored guilt glasses in which case he will always believe SD, or he may just have been having a chump moment. The comment was incredibly disrespectful and that should not have to be tolerated in your home. However, if your DH is a guilty parent, he's never going to see that and you need to work on you.
You're looking for the "what did I do" and the answer is - you married her father. She could have some PAS going on in her life or she could just be being a stupid, ungrateful typical teenager, but it's not actually about You, it's about "dad and stepmom". It's really hard because the comment and the disrespect can feel so personal and they are hurtful and unacceptable, but you have to do your best to not take them personally. If most of this happens this trip and DH continues with the blinder, I would probably plan a trip of my own next year and be away during her visit...
thanks guys.. I thought so...
thanks guys.. I thought so... I'm crying my eyes out and I don't want to have to justify my pain to that little brat and DH. DH called me and told me that big sis will keep her the rest of the week if needed. I don't know why this has to be my decision, makes me the bad guy. What I want is for her to admit it and apologize. I don't see that happening. What a mess.
She's just going to deny,
She's just going to deny, deny, deny, and make all our friends and relatives think I don't believe her.. what a mess.
You guys..I have to go face
You guys..I have to go face this now, it's making me sick. I don't even know if I can drive thru the tears. Oh and it's that time of the month...
Thanks NSS. OK Here I go to
Thanks NSS. OK Here I go to deal with this..wish me luck, and send me all your white light..
Update: I dealt with it, and
Update: I dealt with it, and boy did I deal with it. I got home, told DH I didn't want to ride with them. He said OK and SD15 and he walked out the door without another word. That was it, he drove off. I phoned him on the cell. I said that from that little exchange or lack thereof, it was obvious to me that the tweet was about us and that he could stay with big sis tonight too. He arrived back in 2 min. asking what my problem was. No sign of SD15. We had a detailed exchange of opinions and to sum it up... he didn't believe her but he wasn't going to do anything about it. So I said I am. I went out to the car where she was all eye rolls and attitude, and proceeded to give me shit about spying on her. I explained that whomever the post was about it was rude, and not anonymous and wrong. She denied it was about us again. Her defensiveness told me everything, she would have been more remorseful and apologetic. We had a few more words, which ended in me telling her goodbye and that she’ll probably not be welcome back. I came back in and told DH how our conversation ended and he said “good, I don’t want her back either. I’ll drop her off and have her sister meet me et at the end of the week at the airport”. I said, why don’t you pack the whole rest of her luggage and take it with her. He said good idea went and got it and left. So there you have it, maybe I should have waited until I wasn’t upset. Maybe I should have just blow it off. I’m not her parent, but if I was, I wouldn’t let her get away with spreading hate on the internet. I hope she learns the bigger lesson. Don’t tweet hate, or you may just lose half of your family. This is possibly the saddest day of my life, and even sadder for my DH.
And an even bigger
And an even bigger consequence was losing her privilege to enter my home again. Yes I agree with everything you said. But I'm the SM, not the parent. And neither BIO's are going to do a thing about the abuse. She was already going to Sis's. She'll only be there an extra day. That's what she wanted. She's happier, I'm happier. She's not my problem anymore. I've clocked out. I agree with you and in my conversation with her I told her exactly what you said. If I were her parent I would have restricted her and sent her to her room. I'm not. DH didn't do anything. What can I do?
Yep.
Yep.
Lucy, I can understand the
Lucy, I can understand the confusion. SD15 lives with, and is being raised by BM, 1,500 miles away. She visits us 5 times a year. While she's here, DH makes a point of letting her also visit her half siblings, they are 25 and 29 years old. She usually stays a few days with them and returns to us before she leaves. They had all planned for her to stay until Thursday, they will just extend it one night, then go back to BM. PAS has been part of our past and is extremely difficult to deal with, DH is lucky to have her present in his life at all. We are always walking on eggshells. I have overreacted. And that's what happens when one diggs around. Shame on me I guess.
Whim, Thanks for the support.
Maybe I overreacted and will have to apologize, but my feelings are very hurt and I still don't get a sense that she's taking responsiblity for what she said. She may never. What a mess
does twitter post a time when
does twitter post a time when a tweet is posted? Like facebook when someone posts is says how long ago it was posted?
Yes, it was right after
Yes, it was right after lunch, after we confirmed the plans for her sister to meet us half way.
I'm glad you confronted her!
I'm glad you confronted her! What a little brat! Of course the tweet was about you and DH, and of course she meant it. Good for you for speaking your mind and Yay! for her being at her sister's the rest of the week. You probably avoided a LOT more drama this way. Not worth it to walk on eggshells for this brat!
TWO, Thanks for the
TWO, Thanks for the resounding support!
DH just called, he's on his way back home, he's stopping to grab some fast food. I couldn’t eat. You guys would not believe what happened; both were silent the whole way, 1 hr. No discussion. She stuck her head phones in her ears and didn't say a word. DH is so mad at her right now. I told him he should have talked about it with her, eggshells I guess. I think he's just about had enough. He feels defeated and betrayed, just like I do. I told him her actions speak volumes. She knew she was being dropped off for the remainder of the week and didn't say anything more in her defense. So what does that say? We’re suppose to fly her out here so she can talk crap and hope to get more time with Big Sis? I know, I know, kids will be kids. But it doesn’t hurt any less. I’m venting. I know I’m supposed to be the adult. But with as little time as we have with her, it’s really hard when we can’t even go 1.5 days of parenting time without a major meltdown. Long distant parenting sucks. Don’t try it if you’re considering it. I just can’t believe they were silent for an hour. This is a girl with diarrhea of the mouth. Maybe we would do less damage if we surrender now. Disengage. Is that abandonment?
Oh and the target of her hate...her "story" is that it was a fictitious person (or group of friends that don't exist), made up to make her boyfriend jealous. :sick:
Calm - I'm glad you
Calm - I'm glad you confronted her.
Couple of things to think about - Spying on her is a bunch of BS. Twitter is not private - twitter is about as public as you can get, you don't even have to make an account to see someone's twitter, so if she's concerned about it being read - don't post it little girl. Your boss in 5 years will check facebook and twitter as well and if you mouth off to them about "spying" on you, you'll get the same answer - if it's on the internet it's not private and thus finding it is not spying.
Second, the hour trip wasn't spent in silence for her - she got to listen to whatever she wanted which definitely didn't include Dad telling her she was being a two-faced brat. If I was Dad, I would have confiscated the electronics and told her I'd mail them to her mom.
Third - sweetie, you didn't overreact and Do Not Apologize. She spat venom at you on a public forum and then LIED to you about it. I totally get that you didn't want her around after that but sending her to her sister's, which is apparently where she wanted to be anyway, wasn't exactly a punishment. The kid had to deal with you confronting her on her bad behavior and that was pretty much it, how is that overreacting?
We walk on eggshells so much around these kids that when any normal parenting occurs we start to doubt ourselves and think we overreacted, we hurt poor precious, they have been traumatized because they've been called out on their BS, wah wah. No. You didn't slap her, you didn't break her phone, you didn't put her on a plane back to her mother and you didn't scream at or berate her (I assume). How did you overreact by confronting her? Don't apologize.
So what if she makes all your friends and relatives Think you don't believe her - you DON'T believe her and so what? Since when is it a crime to accuse a teenager of lying. If it causes a problem with someone, you can either explain the situation calmly and tell them SD got exactly what she wanted - more time with sister, or you can tell them you understand their concern but it's a private family affair and you'd really rather not discuss it.
(((big hugs))) So sorry she's being a hateful brat.
Aeron, thank you, what a
Aeron, thank you, what a wonderfully supportive message to wake up to.
Well it’s a new day, and having slept on it, granted I only slept 3 hours, I don’t feel regret or remorse for anything. I feel the same. Hurt and betrayed. And proud of myself, that I did keep my cool and addressed it then and there. I didn’t berate her, I didn’t make her feel bad, I simply told her how it made me feel to be targeted. I didn’t scream at her, I was very respectful. I was very direct and let her know that her flippant use of the internet has damaged our relationship. I remember those last few words more clearly this morning, I misquoted myself previously. When she said she didn’t care how I felt, and that it was my own fault for spying I remember saying “well if that’s how you feel, fine, I don’t think you’ll be coming back.” I didn’t say she wasn’t welcome back” which I think are very different statements. The reason I think I may have overreacted is over that last statement. But in hindsight, I don’t know if I could have ended it any differently. I’m not her parent, I haven’t bonded with her. She’s made it clear she’s not interested in having a relationship with me, and we’re just being used to access her siblings. I will always maintain that if DH feels the need to continue his relationship with her he has my support. But I fear doing so will just mean more heartache for him. I respect the unconditional love he has for her. He knows she’s a little shit, and was really sorry about everything. He knows he could have, should have, addressed it with her but explained that he just didn’t have it in him. I have to accept that he made that choice. I told him this morning that I wanted to make myself very clear. He’s welcome to continue trying to have a relationship with her but I’m done. She’s can’t come to where I live to exercise his parenting time. He’ll need to figure out other arrangements. He said he doesn’t feel much like having her back either.
This morning SD15 changed her twitter site to: “Protected, Followers Only”. Well, she can rest assured that she’ll have no worries about me reading her vain and self-important status updates, as my disengagement has official begun. I guess I need to change my bio.
I know some may disagree with my decision to disengage, especially those BM’s who say it’s a 15 YO teen thing, but I can’t do anything more if DH isn’t willing to do anything more. He’s tired. He’s 55. He’s been thru similar dramas with his older two. He just wants to settle in for the last few years of his life and have peace. I can understand that. He won’t completely disappear from her life. They’ll stay in touch. They have a deep bond, and I’m not worried about him abandoning her or resenting me. He’ll find the balance. But right now, he’s just simply tired and forfeits. Sometimes with these BPD types you just have to walk away and cut your losses.
By the way Former and NSS, I felt the white light hit right around 2:30 am. I didn’t know that it would take so long to travel my way. But it was warm and reassuring.
Sigh...ya maybe I did OK, but
Sigh...ya maybe I did OK, but it doesn't feel victorious.
Agreed. I played my cards.
Agreed. I played my cards. Too bad everyone else felt the need to fold. The kid will suffer in the end. And I'm not happy about that.
You're right, that made me
You're right, that made me laugh. He's got plenty of spunk, he works out, he's buff. I meant emotionally tired. Dealing with PAS, or a child who self harms, with emerging BPD, and the eggshells, I know it's hard to understand. But given that fact that we can't go more then 2 days of parenting time without some drama unfolding says something to me. She didn't expect I would read it, not for one minute. She was just being flippant, cool. I expected an apology, I got denial. I need to set some boundaries here, for myself. DH has set boundaries for himself too, which include protecting his feet.