Hey, there is a difference between talking badly and providing factual information. It was not like you just started randomly disparaging your ex. You were confronted with comments from your (nearly adult) son that he got directly from his father, and you merely corrected the misinformation. If your ex does not want his son knowing just how little he provides, he should have kept his mouth shut.

I see no problem with providing factual information. You were in no way PAS-ing, in fact you did a great job of confronting the PAS being dished out by your ex. In my opinion 17 is more than old enough to hear the truth.

My boy is 7. I do not talk badly about his dad, but I will confront PAS from him. Example. I bought a new car last month. My boy came with me to pick it up (it was a surprise). He exchanged keys with the dealer for my old car, he even took the plates of my old car and put them in my trunk. I explained to him about how I was trading in my old car and that would pay for some of the new one and then I would be paying a little every month to pay it off (I want my son financially aware). I then had to take him to his dad's the next day to pick up his Halloween costume as he forgot it. My boy came out very upset as dad told him "your mom cannot afford a new car, she has no money and no job, she is lying" (weird, as he knows I work full time as an RN). Now, I never speak badly about his father, but I explained about how he was with me when I got the car. Showed him the temp tag and how that would not be on a rental. I also asked him if he thought I worked (pretty obvious, as I would be running an elaborate scheme of getting up at 5am, dressing in white with my ID badges!). He then asked if next time I dropped him at dads I could park so he could show him the temp tag. I explained that no, I did not need to prove anything to his dad. His dad can think what he likes, it was my son's opinion that mattered, and I needed him to understand and not be upset. A long story, but I think my boy would be more confused if I ignored it. Ex set up himself to be seen to be badmouthing. Not my problem!

I'm sorry you're under this stress, and sadly I'm in the same boat. I've avoided sharing most of the stresses with my son but there have been a couple of times he would pick at me because he wanted something and eventually I lost it a bit, similar to what you did. I don't want to be the parent that talks bad about the other parent but I think sometimes we need to share the realities of the situation with our kids. Not talk the other parent down but just to let them know where things stand and hope it gives them a chance to act accordingly.

Look my oldest will be 18 before the end of the month, we're broke. I don't mean poor, or that I spend on things we don't need, I mean there is no money. My dd knows, she knows my employer hasn't given me any hours, and that I have been fighting to get my unemployment. She knows SO wasn't working and just started a new job last week, and she knows her dad asked for cs modification in Aug, then 2 weeks before our Oct court date quit his job, and had cs completely abated instead of garnished at what he should be making. He hasn't paid cs nor his half of the other court ordered items in months owes me thousands. All that combined we stand to lose a lot right now. I'm sure as shit not letting him shirk his financial responsibility and me take the fall. Nope she's old enough to know and I told her. My younger child is almost a teen he has some idea but I do try to avoid anything other than beating down his dad, and his dad's gf's PAS attempts.

As your son get older you're not going to be able to avoid talking to them about his dad. Still try to keep it civil but as he gets older he will see his father's true colors (although it sounds like he already is).

Far from blowing it, you provided facts.

Facts are not good or bad. They are just facts. You provided the facts regarding CS and Bio Dad's history of payment, or non payment as the case seems to be.

Giving kids facts about the CO, CS and relationship history in an age appropriate manner is not only recommended in my opinion it is a viable way to prepare them to deal with a toxic blended family situation.

We followed this methodology with my SS21. When the Sperm Clan would send him home from visitation with some toxic drivel or other we addressed their manipulation with facts. As he got older we shared more facts and eventually he saw it all when he started doing his own research when something the Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan was spouting to him did not pass the smell test. When he was about 16-17 he asked his mom and I if he could look through the file cabinet. He eventually went through it all. The court records, the CO, the telephone logs, the Private Investigator Reports, the Sperm Idiot's arrest records, marriage to a 16yo (he was 26), divorce 4 mos later when our initial defense of Sperm Grandma's attempt to gain custody for her worthless POS son was successful and he no longer needed to keep her hidden from the judge so he would not be tried as a serial statutory rapist, court battles with BM #2 (mother of also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawn #2) and BM #3 (mother of also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawns #3 and #4) etc....

SS would go in to our Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinet in our home office fairly regularly. My favorite was when he would listen to the micro cassettes of the court hearings. He would shake his head and mumble about how crazy his Sperm Grandma is or how big of an idiot his Sperm Idiot is. We would inform him that he could have his own opinion but he could not speak of his Sperm Clan with disrespect.

After an unfortunate incident when he was 2yo we never bad mouthed the Sperm Idiot or the Sperm Clan but we never hid the facts of their advanced state of toxic moronic idiocy either. Facts work very well to counter toxic manipulations by the blended family opposition.

On the unfortunate incident when he was 2yo.... Dick Head (the Sperm Idiot) was at Sperm Grandma's house when she and my DW were discussing visitation travel. When they were done making travel arrangements Dick Head asked DW to put the Skid on the phone. She handed the phone to SS who very excitedly asked who it was. DW told him it was "Daddy (First Name)". SS took the phone and said "Hi Daddy Dick Head". DW and I just about choked. Fortunately "Dick Head" sounds quite a bit like Dick Head's first name so we were able to deflect it as a 2yo speaking unclearly and a bad connection. But, it was classic. }:)

Since then we have never spoken of the Sperm Clan in any way but using their proper names and guiding SS towards treating them with respect. Now at 21 he clearly understands the nuanced differences between respecting them and treating with respect. He has no respect for them but we raised him to treat them with respect and he does. For the most part.

Facts, temper them to be age appropriate but use them when necessary to bare the toxic blended family oppositions asses when they get stupid.

At least that is my recommendation.

Good luck.

Meh, he's 17. He's old enough to hear some hard truths. I doubt he was shocked.

Take it easy on yourself I think you need to take the following into consideration: You 17 year old is not child. You have prided yourself in not including him in adult issues which I commend and strive for myself but this really could be used as a learning situation.

If I were you I would revisit this situation with your son. I would explain that when you have a child you now have the responsibility of a child and that means financially too. That he is 17 years old and moving on to his adult life where there will not be someone to ask for gas or insurance, rent, cable/internet ect.

It is a good time to talk to him about keeping his junk wrapped up so he doesnt end up with his own financial responsibility to take care of.

You did nothing wrong. AT ALL, any teenager in this situation should be told exactly what you told him. They arent babies anymore