Birthday party for SD that we don't have any say in or about...
Ok so some of you know BM is not in the picture but MIL is, very much, unfortunately. DH has finally cut her off a bunch from seeing SD (except the few days she's shown up at SD's school in the morning to see her off and to tell SD before she left that she has to go see the lawyer).
I've finally disengaged some and it's helped tremendously for everyone, DH makes the final choice in any or every decision about SD, I let him in on anything and everything going on since I'm a SAHM. Things have been running smoothly, for the most part anyway.
So DH informs me that MIL is having a party for SD...and that we're invited...Wth? I get it, she's the grandma, former "mother" to SD6(soon-to-be-7) and she wants to have a party and celebrate SD's birthday. But...what I want to know is when is this going to stop? Why does she HAVE to have a separate party for SD?
Neither DH or I like big parties and of course MIL loves everything extravagant huge and expensive and intricate. It's stressful and there really is no need, I think anyway. But who am I to say anything?
I really don't think I want to go, and DH is wondering whether to go or not...someone tell me I'm wrong to think this way...explain why this isn't fucked up...I could see it making sense if her mom wanted to do something for her, then having two parties for her makes sense. But her grandma making a party for her?
Because anything WE do for her is never enough...
Wish the jealousy on her part would stop, seriously. She doesn't like SD having anyone else's attention but hers. She kept bothering her while SD was in line waiting to enter school, SD was trying to talk to her classmates and at the same time MIL just HAD to ask her stuff and SD needed to answer them in that EXACT moment. Sigh...I get it, she loves her...just think it's a bit too much..
Ok...think I'm done ranting...lol sorry
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I wouldn't go, nor would I
I wouldn't go, nor would I have SD show up. & I wouldn't tell SD about it.
How does MIL get to DEMAND
How does MIL get to DEMAND she throws a party? Does she have any custody rights?
I honestly don't know if MIL
I honestly don't know if MIL has told SD about the party.
She's been demanding for most do SD's life up until I showed up and gave DH his confidence back. And no, she doesn't have any custody rights. We were panning on having a small get-together for her, similar to the one we had for BS4.
I think he just doesn't want there to be any confrontations with his mom; usually it's crap because she finds some way to start something with him making her the victim and him the bad guy, ALWAYS.
And the parties that she's had for SD before we were together, DH didn't have a say, she just wanted/needed him for his wallet. He said most of the people who she invited he either didn't get along with or most of them he's never met. I don't like it. Not one bit. I'm sure these people she's invited, are the same ones she tells about DH and me and what horrible people we are. Probably in front of SD before DH took her away from there.
I kinda want to ask him "what if she just doesn't go?"
Lol I'm sure he'll just shrug his shoulders, say something under his breath, and walk away. Sigh...and if I keep badgering him about it, I'm just going to seem like the evil SM trying to take MIL's baby away from her...ugh...stomach hurts just thinking about it.
Sounds like your DH has
Sounds like your DH has boundary issues with his mommy.
I really don't see what the
I really don't see what the issue is if you are not having your party on the same day. You said you don't like big parties and she does. The girl doesn't have her bio mother in the picture, so its not like you have to split it 3 ways.
The real unfortunate thing is that his mother is probably having that conversation with him and he doesn't care if she has a party for her or not and tells her OK.
I just don't see why this is a big deal.
It actually would have been
It actually would have been on the same day...but now...well, obviously not because MIL trumps over all...
I feel like its a big deal because this is just another way she's saying we're not doing a good enough job because it's not at her house and she's not in charge...but again, my feelings don't mean anything...but when DH comes home pissed off that MIL has yet again gone over boundaries, who has to be there to make sure he doesn't hold it against her and who has to be the bigger person, hold her tongue and not say "I TOLD YOU SO"? Yeah I guess that would have to be me...and who's the one picking up the pieces and teaching his daughter and her granddaughter things she has to know? Me. And who has to put up wirh mini-MIL and try to love her and not hold things against her? Me...but what does it matter right? Who cares if she does this every fucking year because the way we do it isn't good enough...
I think you are taking it a
I think you are taking it a bit too personally. This is what grandmothers do. They don't have to parent the kids. They have already done that with their own. They get to be the hero while we moms get to be the bad guys. We have to actually teach them. Grandparents do not. They get to give them sweets, take them places we can't afford yet because they've already worked hard enough and can now - or they don't have the same expenses as we do.
My daughter cannot afford the same things I can. I couldn't afford the same things my mother could either at that age.
If this were your mother, I don't think you would be taking this so hard. I think your biggest issue is that your DH doesn't tell you until he's already said yes to his mother. Then, he's stuck between two women and you know how wussy men are with their wives and their mothers.
I think you should sit down and talk to this woman as another woman. Let her know that you feel left out and would like to be involved in these decisions because you are on the other end making plans and your husband doesn't want to disappoint either of you.
I don't know... I mean, I
I don't know... I mean, I agree that grandmother's get to "spoil" their grandkids to a certain extent. But MIL is going WAY over the line here. My mom has NEVER tried to throw her own birthday party for my kids. Get them killer presents that I maybe couldn't afford? Check. Give them candy an hour before dinner? Yep. Taken them to movies and such? Sure thing. But she would NEVER step on my toes by trying "one up" me like this.
Also, OP said it actually WAS scheduled on the same day I think, in her post right above yours - which makes it all the more appalling that MIL pulled this. MIL isn't just spoiling her darling granddaughter - she's very deliberately marking her turf. She might as well piss on the kid.
I agree. I wouldn't have a
I agree. I wouldn't have a birthday party for my grandchildren either. I don't know this woman's back story, so I don't know how long she's been in this child's life. The bio-mom is not involved. That has to be hard on the kid.
I still think the OP should have a chat with MIL. We all know as stepparents there is no way we can love our partner's kids as we do our own. Maybe thats something Grandma is struggling with, especially if she was the only female in the child's life.
Maybe OP can get her to put her guard down by letting her know that she is there now and can take over.
THIS Grandma is doing what
THIS
Grandma is doing what many grandparents enjoy doing-spoiling their grandchildren.
I wonder if your husband is really bothered by what his mom does, or if he is just saying what you want to hear? He could have told him mom that you were planning a party, but he made the choice not to.
It's possible he is happy that his daughter has woman in her life who wants to love on her and spoil her. Her bio mom is MIA and he knows how you truly feel about her.
Maybe I am taking it
Maybe I am taking it personally since she makes it a point to not say hello to me or my son not even her own son, instead she runs off and hugs and lifts and kisses SD...frustrating that my BS4 looks up at me questioningly because he already knows its rude to not say hello to everyone, and when either I or he have tried to say hello to her, she pretends to not see either one of us and goes to talk to someone else or do something else...
My mom isn't like that, she helps me of course she does, but then again she's never tried to take m kid away from me like MIL has done with SD...and my parents may miss BS but they arent going to come to our house or to his school unannounced just to see him. My parents know boundaries. MIL does not. She thinks she has a right. And no one can tell her otherwise or else they're attacking her.
You don't seem to understand...DH never said yes to the party...he doesn't GET a say whether or not she can do something for SD. I'm not exaggerating.
I've tried talking to her. It's impossible. I willed myself to have an open mind. Doesn't work because she's close minded and thinks you're attacking her, seriously I didn't raise my voice once, not ONCE and I had to remind HER not to yell at me. Let's put it this way, DH can't even talk to her. He can't stand her, no one can...except SD but even then sometimes she questions why MIL is the way she is or why she says the things she says...
Yes I know he actually does
Yes I know he actually does have a say and all that but you're right, he DOESN'T want to ruffle his mothers feathers.
And you're also right, she WASN'T invited, in fact no one was, not yet. And he didn't speak up to say that maybe we wanted to do something small but fun for her birthday.
I'll just keep my mouth shut I guess...seems like no one wins but MIL and SD anyway...like always, they'll both get the attention they want/need...it's kind of what everyone has been hinting towards...being a SM sucks...I'll just stick to taking care of and worrying about BS.
Your husband can't stand his
Your husband can't stand his mother, yet he allowed her to raise his child prior to meeting you. :? He hates her, but he still allows her to have contact with his child.
I think he's playing you. He's doing the same thing to his mom that many men do to the BMs. They claim they hate them and they are awful mothers. It's all done to trick the new wife into jumping into the mother role in an effort to show BM that she is the better mother.
I just read over your blogs.
I just read over your blogs. I think that this poor girl doesn't have a parent besides the grandmother that truly gives a crap about her. Biomom played the crazy card. Dad dropped her on his mother. He marries you. You convince him the kid should be with you guys. You can't handle her so you want to give her back. AND HE IS OK WITH ALL OF THIS.
DH can't stand his mother, he
DH can't stand his mother, he can't hide it from anyone. I've been around both of them and it's hard not to get upset with her. He lets SD visit every once in a while so that grandpa can get to see his grandchild every once in a while since, he has no say in anything either. MIL is a bitter woman who is not happy unless everyone's attention is on her. She loves being the victim for everything.
DH let ML raise SD because he thought that what she said about him to him was true, that he's not as good as his dad that even his younger brother is a better father figure than him and that everyone else seemed to treat and deal with SD a lot better thn he did. He couldn't really do much because financially BM screwed him over and he had to go back to live with his parents. He really didn't think it was going to get any better, until he met me.
I'm not gonna lie and say SD is easy to deal with because some of you know that it's gotten really hard for me because I was TRYING to be the mom instead of standing back and letting him deal with whatever needed to be dealt with.
Just for the record, I know
Just for the record, I know I'm not perfect, I mean damn I said I hated SD (but I didn't realize that I was about to get my period) and I've acted crazy and I've done other stupid shit before but, I know that I have a good heart...and I'm trying to make it work and so far, I know it's been a short while, it has been working and I feel better about my relationship with SD. no things aren't perfect but, I know that if I didn't care for SD, I wouldn't be trying so hard to make DH see the wrong...ever since the beginning. No I didn't know what I was getting into but, I'm getting there...things have slowly been falling into place.
As for MIL...she's territorial, I know tht much...ok and more but I'm not getting into that...not right now anyway...unless you want me to lol
And no, MIL isn't the ONLY one who really truly cares about SD...believe it or not...
Who else truly cares about
Who else truly cares about her? Her mother dumped her and ran. Her father keeps pushing his parenting responsibilities off on others. You said you want your husband to give her back to her grandmother.
The grandmother is the only adult willing to raise the child simply because she loves her.
Yes Disney, BM ran off had
Yes Disney, BM ran off had another kid and hasn't had any contact with SD since January, her dad has insecurities he's had insecurities all his life so yes it was easy to let grandma take over while he watched from the sidelines, MIL may have meant well at first but then she got downright mean and territorial with SD.
And MIL loves her as long as she does what MIL wants her to do because otherwise they get into fights, like actual fighting, screaming matches. I've witnessed it. She HAS to do things exactly as MIL says to do them or else she starts screaming at her and threatening to leave her outside so someone will steal her...idunno...maybe that's love...doesn't sound like it though...
SD has told DH that when she says she likes living with DH, MIL tells her to shut up that she doesnt want to hear her say things like that. Do we discourage her from loving her grandma? No. Do we yell at her when she says she misses her grandparents? No.
MIL has thrown fucking tantrums right in front of SD. Like actual tantrums that a toddler would throw. She did that when DH would pick up SD after work, simple things like that. And the clothes were a huge deal with her as well...
If grandma is as bad as you
If grandma is as bad as you say, why would your husband leave his child with her? You were just trying to talk him into giving thd kid back to his mother.
Mom is gone, dad won't step up and parent, grandma is crazy and SM dislikes/hates the kid and wants to give her back to the crazy lady. That poor kid would be better off in foster care.
Disney if you're not going to
Disney if you're not going to thoroughly read my comments then maybe you shouldn't be giving advice...I don't hate her...I thought i made that clear but maybe you didnt understand even after three times of explaining.
I don't like SD's behavior. She's been better since she's not attached to MIL.
The whole reason for my post was to rant about DH and MIL...you definitely didn't need to comment if you didn't understand...