Water seeking it's own level
Going thru ferretmom's blog-I think I have a little more understanding of what's going on with my H, hers.
My sis' comment about water seeking it's own level really hit the nail on the head. And I'll explain why.
H is dyslexic, or says he is. He is constantly calling me with-how do you spell this, how do you spell that. He won't even look up phone numbers-he calls me. Any written communication is done by me, even for his job, to his family. He's always worked jobs that did not require alot of reading, writing. Ran successful restaurants, or would've been successful (he's a very good cook) if he had managed the money end properly.
H has 5 sisters (one deceased), and one brother. His sisters, as I'm getting to know them-could almost be my sisters; we have alot in common, attitudes, raising kids, etc. BUT H had many many complaints about them thru the years-how they excluded him from this or that, how their husbands would all do things together and intentionally exclude H. Now I see why. They simply did not want his crap ruining their get togethers. And I think they like me back-H made the comment that they do like me as they always hug me goodbye, something they never did with his ex.
So, I'm a thinkin' H is so threatened by me, by my intelligence, even my appearance (ok, I'm not Miss America, but-his co-workers thought he had married a younger woman and I'm actually several years older than him), by my reputation-in that people in the community know I take care of things as I should.
I never thought of myself as superior to him-never thought I was better than H, etc. It's not my nature to consider myself above anyone-God created us all, to my way of thinking. But H's continual treatment of me has skewed my viewpoint. His constant verbal put downs have had the opposite effect, so far, and thanks alot to Steptalkers. I am observing that, even tho H constantly refers to me as "blonde"-in the put down context of the word (which I am, but after the holidays I'm changing that) I am by far the more intelligent of us. Heck, when I sat down to play scatagories with H & his kids, he left the game! Because none of them were a match for me.
And I think ferretmom's H is the same way. And they are trying desperately to bring us down to their level. Ain't gonna happen. I prefer clean, dry shoes!
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Comments
Don't let your H
take you down with him. You are probably right what you are thinking. I do know that my DH told me once I was a much stronger and better person than he. Wow, that must have taken a lot for him (a man) to admit that. He is also imtimidated by my looks and has told me so. It makes him feel like less of a person for some reason. I totally don't get that as I feel he is pretty hot too. But if he ever once treated me the way I read about some of these ladies on ST being treated and talked to, his ass would be on the street in a heart beat and he knows it.
Just don't let him pull you down with him!
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
I used to think H was pretty hot too
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and if I look at him objectively now, he's still good looking, tho overweight. My ex was also a good looking man. But I am finding myself no longer attracted to him, just from the treatment I've received in this marriage.
It's funny, the perceptions of men. Yours admitting to being intimidated by you is putting it out there. I know my ex used to tell me I didn't belong with him-he visualized me - and these are his words-as living in a high rise, wearing a all white ski suit, on the slopes. He was so far off base. I'm small town. I hate snow-and certainly was happiest as a homemaker with little ones. But that's how he saw me. Even after over a decade of marriage.
Perceptions.
Right on Mustang1
These H's have such a low self esteem that the only way they feel better is to put the other down.
I always say to my BF that instead of always telling me what I do wrong or how I've stuffed something up, why don't you tell me what I've done right or at least gotten better at, but no it's easier to see the wrong than it is the right just so they know they do it better and it makes them feel good.
They all seriously need to grow up and take a good look at themselves in the mirror.
Vick, it's probably because I spend waaaay to much time
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
trying to get a firm grasp on what is happening to me. I am not a control freak by any sense, but I don't like anyone else attempting to control me, either.
And I am overly empathetic. I feel everyone else's pain, so deep that it makes life less plesant, often. My ex's psychiatrist (sp-it's late here) labeled me a "fixer". Often a middle child trait, which I am. And in order to start to try to fix something, you have to figure out what is broken. Ergo,am I.
Unfortunately, being a fixer also often means that subconciously, way down in my subconcious mind, I will seek those who need fixed. My H and my ex are prime examples. so, that's bascially why I am looking for education as a Respiratroy Therapist (LPN is just too costly, what with the travel and all). It is my deepest hope that if I can achieve that goal, I will satisfy that subconcious need to fix, and stop ending up with screwed up partners.
And honest assessments? You'll notice the quote I use by Mr. Shakesphere. "To Thine Own Self...". Brutal honesty. Sometimes it's so painful to look inside, whether it's inside yourself, inside your marriage, or inside your life. But that's the only way I know to acomplish change, and to right wrongs.
Sometimes, tho, I think life would be alot simpler if I wasn't so empathetic, so out there honest.
I call it painful self awareness, and I've had it my whole life
SD's Shrink told me over and over I missed my calling because I have such a psychology based mind. She also said that may make my life with SD harder, because I do strive so much to understand and "counsel" her to a better life. I say that like you, I take on the pain of others, making me a magnet to BPD folks, who strive to hurl their pain in the direction of anyone who will suck it up and relieve them of it.
It's always been both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I usually do really figure out what makes people in my life do what they do, and why I have developed my own coping/processing/healing skills. And then I can often make peace with whatever is bugging me. But then sometimes it's impossible to shut it off, and let yourself off the hook? It's almost like I can't even do the slightest...well...slight to someone, without feeling horrible about it and wanting to right it, for the rest of my days. My name is Earl I suppose, without the prison con artist record.
You know perhaps BM is really really happy being oblivious and convincing herself she's super single mom, doing everything on her own even though the reality is she barely sees SD. I just can't fool myself. When I'm over sensitive and reactionary with SD, then I start thinking, "It's ME. I'm over focused on her, etc. If only I could properly disengage from her behaviors everyone would be happier." Like I have that kind of control! (Well according to SD I do over DH, her shrink, her teachers, etc. So maybe I am the almighty powerful Zen.
You know, sometimes I would like the luxury of being ignorantly blissful of everyone's actions and motives- mine included!
And BW...It's nice to meet another enlightened and tortured!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
me fixer
gosh I am a fixer too as well as a moderator and peace keeper, oh and I am a middle child.
i grow up with arguements-fights, (lots and lots of those) my parents played favorites.. ( i was not one of them) sibling rivarly - it small wonder we want to fix it, cuz we (well me) just want to be happy.
is that so hard???
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I'm the baby...BUT
Sorta became the middle child after my brother's traumatic accident. Because he became the "baby" for sure then, having to be bathed, trying to teach his body to walk (and it never happening.)
That's interesting now that you mention it. People always ask me if I'm the middle child, and I always tell them no- the baby. So I never put much weight in that theory.
However, maybe trauma can alter those things.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
my DH is classic middle child
an di never thought of this bc i am an only child and i dont think im textbook only child AT ALL. but when i visited stepwitch she asked if he was bc she said he exhibited classic middle child. and he really does. puts alot in perspective.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin