DUH! How could I have missed this-the light bulb just went on
I was replying to a post from vickmeister regarding my self assessment and honesty, etc.
I am a fixer. That's no light bulb there-I've known that for along time. Ergo, I attract those who need fixed. A fact I am also aware of, but seem unable to control. Being a fixer is not fun. Also is not self-diagnoised. My ex's pshyciatrist referred to me as such. And it tends to be a middle child trait. That would be me.
Thinking about being a fixer, and how difficult it has made my life, I wondered how I could change into something else. Well, I can't. I can't block my over the top empathy. I can't see someone, something hurting, and not try to do something about it. I think only brain surgery would change me.
So, and here's the light bulb-if I can't change what I am, why in the world do I think H can change what he obviously is? Duh. I feel rather foolish, actually. I've been pushing, pulling, crying, obsessing, pleading, praying and deep inside, hoping for a change in H. Girls, that's alot of wasted energy.
On the bright side, he's only here a few days a week :smile:, and when he wants to be nice, he can be very very nice. Just haven't seen much of that side since we've been married.
Gotta get that job. Gotta go to school.
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Middle child syndrome sucks
Middle child syndrome sucks doesn't it? My oldest keeps telling me "Mom you can't fix everything." So does my therapist but I still try. I've had to learn to channel all that into something that gives me satisfaction. I'm starting to get back into my volunteer work and it fells great. I help at my local library at story time, I love reading to the kids. I'm thinking about getting back in with the adult literacy program, they always need a lot of help there. Maybe even the big sister program. One of the best things in my life right now is the work I do with wildlife rehabilitation. It is so satisfying and I love working with animals. H hates for me to do any of it but I don't care. He says it takes my time away from him, well if that was so important why didn't he pay more attention to me before. I think your's and mine both can sense that we're moving away from them emotionally and they're scared. Make yourself happy and whole again, we don't need them for anything. I'll pray for you every night and keep my fingers crossed that the perfect job comes along for you.
Remember that old song I am woman hear me roar, I think that should be our mantra. Have a wonderful time with your son.
Hi Bewitched!
I've been following your story, and I have to say that I am extremely proud of you for the changes that you are making, and will make in your life.
I'm not a middle child, but I want to try and fix everything too. (or just try and do everything myself b/c no one else can the way I do!)
I think it's a control thing with me though! I can't stand to not be in control of my situation or things around me, and it's hard for me to give it up to someone else! (I'm majorly type A; that's def a first child trait! lol)
Don't feel foolish about having hope that your DH will change. You love him, and you really want(ed) your marriage to work. It's in all of us, I think, to want to change or fix the situation, or solve the problem.
Just continue sticking to your plan of gaining financial independence and getting back into school. Good things are going to happen for you! I can feel it!
-Brooklynne
Thanks, Brook! I'm moving ahead
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Going to the local college next week (they are of course off for Thanksgiving right now) to check out the financial aide available.
I hope I can turn my life completely around. And stop letting my empathy/sympathy rule my life.
I moved back here - to this one horse town, no jobs, no hope (except for the small vocational college) from the gulf, which I loved with all my heart-because my folks are elderly and here all alone. Funny, tho. My sisters'-who are not fixers-didn't move here for Mom and Dad when I left for the gulf. They do love my parents dearly, are good daughters, but don't feel compelled to change their lives for others. And therefore are much happier, more successful than I.
Wish me luck!