is just rerouting all his frustrations caused by his son towards you. Why he can't just use that energy on SS rather than you... we'll never know... but I've been there, chica. I would just start telling SS yourself... and if he doesn't listen... YOU punish him. It's your house... he needs to follow your rules.

If DH isn't going to do it... that leaves you with no other choice. I would tell him that too if DH starts to jump on you for disciplining SS!

that is exactly what happens at our house. I get tired of being the heavy because ss gets it in for me. If Dh corrects ss, ss doesn't get it in for Dh because he's dad, ya know. If I correct ss, I'm the evil bi@$tch. So I tell Dh that he needs to correct certain behaviors and Dh actually accuses me of tattling on ss. Excuse me!!! Grrrr!

By the way, your ss sounds exactly like mine. It's so frustrating to have to tell someone something over and over and over again when it is something so simple.

Dawn

Read-"Well the Weekend went like this"

We have had SS full time for 2 years now-since DAY one he has been told to shower every second day, pick up after himself in the common areas and REMINDED EVERY NIGHT OF his bedtime/curfews

FOR TWO YEARS GOING I HAVE TO REMIND DH EVERYDAY TO REMIND SS16 OF AT LEAST ONE, IF NOT ALL THREE OF THESE THINGS-I SWEAR THE TWO OF THEM ARE TRYING TO GASLIGHT ME!

I am chasing DH to get his son with the program-swear they are having a bet on when I will crack!

I am thankful SS16 is not into drugs/women/booze/rock and roll/gangs/bad boy behavior-

HE CAN'T BE- HIS PARENTS HAVE FROZEN HIM EMOTIONALLY BY THEIR DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENTING AT THE 12 YEAR OLD LEVEL!

I am not SS favourite person as I have a very good memory unlike his doting father who turns a blind eye to bad behavior and conveniently "forgets" things

Like yours, SS16 has had NO consequences for bad behavior -

SS'S favourite tactics are:

Forgetfulness
Learned Helplessness
Playing Dumb
Pity Party
Passive Aggression

Dad falls for them everytime

This is the only issue DH and I disagree on-we don't argue other than about this.

GEE I wonder what is the solution is huh :?

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

I hear ya, girls. The SAME thing happens here, too. But believe me, it's not a SKid issue...
it's just a KID issue.

My BS15, could be your SS, Bella! I could tell him 100 times a day about his chores. He's no dummy- he KNOWS what is expected of him. He's just LAZY.

The bottom line, is how I, as his PARENT, respond to him. And that is...I remind him...once. And then, if he doesn't do it, and I come back and if it's STILL not done...then he's conseqenced, as followed:

ME: "BS15, please come here."

BS15: "Wha?"

ME: "I want you to look in the laundry room.
You still did not take your clothes up to your room from when I asked you over 30 minutes ago. Now you can bring me your IPod and place it on the counter (his BELOVED electronic). You have lost it for 24hrs. Thank you. And then you can get the vacuum cleaner and sweep the living room. Immediately. Thank you."

No fuss. No muss.

The problem is, that this same scenario NEVER HAPPENS for SDs. NEVER. EVER.

There are no consequences for their laziness. SD16 has a PILE of wet, moldy towels in her room stacked to knee level. There's empty food containers strewn all around. Empty water bottles everywhere. Six full baskets of dirty clothes throughout her room, her bathroom and the hallway (thankfully her room in down in the finished basement so I don't have to look at it).

But in her "joke" of a "kid contract" her room is supposed to be clean each week. And wash is supposed to be done on a consistent basis...or there's CONSEQUENCES.

Yeah, sure. What are "those"????

And it's the glaring double-standard that just KILLS me.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Ok, but first yes you should be thankful about the not hating SM part. Trust me on that one.

But I will say, as a mom of two full fledged teens, one tween, and a just 3 yo, an equal mixture of boys and girls, AND the wife of one DH, caregiver of one crazy terrier and one fabulous cat that it is not just teen boys.

EVERYONE in my house needs reminded to clean up after themselves except three of us-

Myself, BD 3, and

THE CAT.

I am constantly wiping up, rinsing off or re-rinsing, picking up, hanging up, putting away all of their crap.

Now MY DH has no problem with reminding the kids, especially MINE for some reason, to clean up after themselves. And I have learned that I have to stop myself from incessantly telling him to tell "your daughter" to wipe off, clean up, rinse, load, etc and just mention it to her myself. Because though he doesn't mind telling her, it gets to him after a while, then it causes an argument between them, where as if I just told her to do it she usually will, sometimes say sorry in a sincere way, sometimes mutter GOD or GOSH under her breath and sigh at my over anal under enlightened SMness. So now I handle most of it, and reserve the reminders for DH that are bigger, so he knows when she does something risky, really disrespectful, etc.

But one huge pet peeve of mine is how no one but me can take recycling, rinse it out, break it down and put it in the garage. Sometimes, if I'm not in the room they try to just throw it away because it's easier, OR they will take all but a few drops of the milk so they can put it back in the fridge, or all but a few crumbs of chips or crackers so they can put the bag/box back in the pantry practically empty. If I'm in the room when they use the last of something, they set it on the counter or in the sinking, while telling me, "I know- I'm gonna take that out LATER" to which I shoot a look of "yeah right" in their direction and ask,"How much later?" And the typical response is "as soon as I'm done eating." SD tries to say she'll do it later, then I give the look, then she yells, "I ALWAYS DO!" To which I tell her "Remember two days ago when we had this same conversation?" And she says, "Last time I forgot!" At which point we either spiral down hill into argument and I stomp around and do it myself, or I smile a knowing smile, say, "Ok SD...I'll remind you of this conversation later when it's still sitting there" to which she ALWAYS responds, "You DO THAT." in a rude tone.

Alas...then she is sheepishly remorseful two hours later when I call her down to take her recycling out. Or she isn't and is peeved because I'm interrupting her fun activity to do something she thinks is anal, or my job because I am the stay at home maid to all.

Recently I started conducting experiments as to how long it takes for anyone else to bother thinking that trash or recycling belongs in the trash or recycling instead of the sink or the counter. I start out genuinely hopeful that I will get a glimpse into my family's idea of what "later" is, or if they will ever even notice something in their way in the sink the next time they want to leave the empty milk jug there for me to take care of. I wait until it is DAYS later then give up, grab the items that have accumulated in the sink and on the counter, and all the while ranting I take them out, then vent to...

Well the DOG I guess, who periodically wags her tail or cowers in terror while trying to figure out what she did that involved a milk jug that is making me so mad at her.

Last night Bella....last night my dear DH had a bowl of cereal. He used the last of the milk. He used the last of the cereal. He turned to me and said, "Don't worry honey. You know I will take those out later. I always do."

They are still sitting there this morning. The puppy was cowering this morning at the site of them.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Okay - this problem is one of the most common fights between parents - without there even be a stepparent in the mix. One is always on the kids ass to do what they are supposed to do and the other parent doesn't want to be the bad guy - in this case your dh. I bet your dh is just EXHAUSTED from telling him and then when you "gently" remind him or make a suggestion he then starts taking out his frustrations on you cuz he can't get his kid to do anything after asking a zillion times. BUT he is not following up with consequences so the same pattern continues. Then here is good ole Bella like hey well maybe it will work if you give the kid some sort of "consequences" for his behavior and your DH is pissed because now he looks like he can't parent his child (which we all can see in this area is true - hello). If I was you girl I would talk to your DH and tell him that you should both start telling SS together to do certain things and that you are BOTH sick of him not doing his chores/picking up after himself, etc., and if he doesn't get his act together there will be consequences - and name a few. Tell him look you are not a little baby you have two arms and two legs pick up after yourself. Then you should also start telling him on your own as well but you have to tell your DH that if SS goes to him and whines about it he has to back you up. I was a single parent with a teenager and they are just damn lazy. I used to have to practically beg my son to do anything and he would always "forget" and I would be pissed and it was just a vicious circle but when I started restricting his time out with friends and he lost his playstation a few times they sure get to cleaning quick - when it interferes with THEIR TIME. Good luck chica.

Wasn't it Bella that said "I overreact because you underreact". Except in this case you really aren't overreacting - DH just perceives it that way.

Yeah, I have to deal with that from both my BD and SD. My SD I think has anxety issues. I have never seen a child rearrange her room and personal items like this kid does. She has been back with us now this time about a month and has already rearranged her furniture three times. She constantly redoes her clothes. She spends hours and she has everything just perfect and I will walk by and she has everything back down in the floor a day later, out of her closet and then it starts all over again. DH is always on her ass about it. But does he make her stop doing it? No. I don't get this behavior. You would have to be there to see it. It's almost as if she's never happy or satisfied. Always needing new hangars, always needs cubes, boxes, bins only to grow disatisfied and redo. Now the extra hangers she needed have spilled over into my laundry room because she is redoing again. The shoe caddy she thought she needed DH is using now. I don't know - is there a name for this behavior? Right now, everything is out of her closet, all over the place.

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

We have all struggled with some degree of what you ask. Some more than others but we have all experienced it.

And ......... I feel safe in saying it aggravates 100% of Sparents.

Best regards,

Except in my house, dh only notices if bd does and not the skids. It drives me crazy.