Well, so luckily my son still continues ok and much better.  Still has to land a job and he has his first therapy after his release from the day program next week. He will be going weekly.  

DIsclaimer_this if for my venting-you do NOT have to bore yourself reading this hot mess lol

It just has seemed that life had kept is nasty knee on my neck for years now and I'm slowly feeling the life being drained out of me, literally.  Just in a dark dark place and honstly don't even want to go on anymore.

So if you recall I mentioned things w/my DH not going well and the talk we had.  Luckily he found a job that he was very happy with and he totally cut down his drinking..hasn't quit entirely but literally will have one beer every other day and/or one liquor drink (small) and that's it. Job was keeping him busy and happier and we have our plan to start the program.  He's been plagued with health issues and I'm not sure anymore if this is just all related to drinking or there is an underlying problem the Drs arent' finding.  

So he already has gout and developed sudden acute onset of neuropathy in Feb.  To the point he couldn't function/walk. He's on mega doses of gabapentin which was finally somewhat helping. Enough for him to start working albeit moving/walking very slowly.  A few days before he started his job his legs/ankles started swelling.  With each day working it got worse, he started getting these red splotches like blood vessels w/the swelling...by Friday it had spread and his legs are completely purple bruised from the veins leaking blood into his skin. The swelling was insane.   So the last day of his 1st week he had to leave early as he just couldn't even move.  He had to put his feet up in the car for 30 mins just to drive home.  He stopped urinating during the day on Thursday and was only peeing at night a few hours after legs were up.  By Saturday he started having horrific pain on his right knee and behind it in addition to the swelling on both lower legs and the now completely purple legs.  We started thinking this could be kidney failure or cardiac or a clot... so to the ER on Sunday- a horrific long day with tons of tests and an ultrasound to leg and referal to vascular surgeon group.  We did that today.  It's not celullitis and it's not stasis dermatitis or venous insufficiency...they did see some reflux in a deep vein but it's nothing the vascular group can treat.  It's not the kidneys, it's not cardiac.  His liver number are elevated but they said not so high to have these symptoms.   OH and since he can' walk to pee at night we had to get a jug bedside (lovely) which I have to empty/clean because if he's on the now purchased walker he can't carry anything obviously.  Hopefully he can take a crap since the walker at least fits in there.  We already got him a stool to shower too.  

Then today was a horrible day.  I had to run out first thing to get him a walker at Walgreens as the rolator we have doesn't fit in bathrooms and he can't walk.  Then try to dress him and help him to the care w/use of rolator and walker-to the ultrasound at one location then the report/follow up was at another location a couple hours later.  It takes about 30 mins just to get him from the bedroom to the car...it's that bad.  I feed pets, give my one cat his insulin.  We go the appt and wait for them to bring a wheelchair to get him up (which I push and it won't fit anywhere !) then back down and we go to the tag office to pick up his temp handicap placard which I had picked up the paperwork Friday from his primary.  I realized I left the damn paper at home so drove back home, go back to the tag office and read that they are at lunch break.  Cuss life and make our way to his folllw up  from the ultrasound about 30 min away.  Get there, wait 20 min and two calls later they still don't come down w/the wheelchair.  So, I go up, get it, help him get in it (one leg won't work at all) - park the car, come back, get him back....my blood pressure is soaring, I'm hot, stressed.  Check-in and it happened, a full panic attack (been years!) I go to bathroom and soft scream/sob into a ton of paper towels for 5 mins, wash my face, neck and come out. We finally see the Dr.  who as mentioned above said it's not a valve/vascular thing. I start crying again-my husband starts feeling nausous and dizzy and closes his eyes.  We both feel utter defeat.  I mean DEFEAT at a level never before have we had. And trust me, we've had a SHITT liffe-picture Job from the Bible where his wife says just curse god and die...it sure feels like we should. 

So we have to go back to primary and follow up with probably 3-4 more specialists so we can figure this out.  We left with a script for prescription compression stockings.   Back to get him down in the car scraping into door frames....drive 30 mins back...get to the tag office (since it was closed for lunch).  Wait for about 30 mins while he's in the car, get the tag.  Get back in car and try to find directions to the pharmacy for the compression socks and can't find my phone.  Call it from my husbands and get an answer, I left it at the vascular office 30 mins away. I tell them I will come tomorrow.  Ensue meltdown number 8?

Go a few miles away to one of the pharmacies said to carry these compression things- it's no longer there.  Drive to another one....get in and wait as they tell me to go measure my husbands legs for the stockings while they check insurance coverage. I already know the outcome given the shi* day.  I'm measuring his legs in the car and a car honks at me as I'm outside his door- I tell them to hold the eff on and i"m meausring and they'll just have to find another spot.  He starts driving in anyway so I have to squeze the door into me, hurting myself, pressing in to the car to finish up.  I would have shot the effer if I had a gun in the car (or myself).   GO back in, insurance doesn't cover but HSA does so I do that. 

Get home to start all over unloading him, pushing him on a rollator (which you're not supposed to do) get him to bed. Starting dinner soon quick ravioles (frozen) and jar sauce, fuc* it.  Oh now to give my dog his thyroid pill since their dinner is in an hour.  This was cathartic to right down, about a dozen other small bs happened to make it worse but that's plenty-

This is just one day in my life lately....it's been hell after hell for years.  I really really want to just end things guys.  There is no amoutn of antidepressants or therapy that can fix this curse.  I honestly feel I'm cursed....it's a real thing for some people/families.  My brothers were spared, but man did that curse devil come for me and mine.  I'm telling you the pressure on the neck is getting tighter and heavier and I feel like I"m going to collapse.  

My chest has felt super tight/painful all day, which I know is the blood pressure and anxiety attack.  EIther way I'm not going to the ER for damn sure, if I die of a stroke I'll be perfectly happy to fuckin go and get it over with.  UGHHHHHH EFF THIS BS