I lost my S*** this weekend!
I did not tell anyone this in my family but I officially lost my shit this weekend. Oh man did I feel bad after I did it. This is how it all played out.
Saturday, went to toy store to by my cousins little girl a present for her b-day party later that day. SS had two gift cards and I took them with me. In the car he asked if I got them and as a joke I said no I forgot them. I have done this before and his reaction is just a little pout. This time we pull into the parking lot of the store and he refused to get out the truck. SO opened the door told him to get out and sat there. Eventually he got out and I told him I had the gift cards. Needless to say he did not get to use his gift cards that day. We were going to the toy store to get a present him using his stuff was just an added bonus.
He had a football game and they lost. He was bummed and a little moody after that but got over it. At the party later he was pretty good but they had balloons everywhere so he thought at one point it was funny to keep hitting it towards me and bonking me in head. He was being such a brat. I got on him multiple time to stop and eventually I looked at SO and told him to deal with it. It stopped. We went home and we were all tired. SS was tired I could tell, I know I was and So was too long day. SS just wanted to be around us, we were laying in our bed for just a moment and he came in wanted to crawl in. I said there is too much cat hair on the bed. I moved a little and next thing he crawls up and lays in the middle of us. SO got annoyed and I sat up and told him I said you can not be in the bed. Literally I walked into the bathroom and SS followed stopped at the door and was going to wait at the door till I was done. SO got on him for that one. Finally I said want to play on your tablet just so he would go sit in the living room. We both went to the living room and sat and relaxed.
Sunday, I go grocery shopping, I tell SO make sure he cleans the bathroom as he is the only that uses it now. We finally finished ours. I get back it is done half fast cause and not that good.I tell SO he gets on him. I put stuff away and remind SS he needs to pick up dog poop in the backyard. He goes out and missed alot of it. Leaves were covering a ton of it so I let some of it go till I got to parts where he clearly just did not look and rushed through this chore. I go in and he is on his tablet again. I was like what are you doing you need to read for school. There is so much more from that day, the smart mouth, the talking back, the acting like a crazed person when his Aunt come over for dinner (yes to be expected), all in all acting literally like the most spoiled little price on a throne brat. I lost it that night while putting him to bed SO said he had to go back and scoop poop again Monday after school he talked back and I flipped and walked out the room. I made him cry.
I felt like crap and when I calmed down went back and talked to him. SO talked to him to after I lost it. He thought the whole this was funny. He did not get upset with me for flipping out or losing my temper. He was just like "for once it is not me getting on him and losing it and making him cry." He was like welcome to being a parent, it is not always easy.
Sorry long post just needed to get it out there.
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Comments
My DH loves using the phrase
My DH loves using the phrase "Welcome to parenthood" lol. Just made me think of that. Of course there are moments where I think all of us just want to write off being a parent for a while! But hey, sometimes we just crack! It's not even one thing! It's all of it adding up!
It was everything this
It was everything this weekend. Oh many I felt so bad for making him cry like that. This morning he was good though.
Dear, you seem like a loving
Dear, you seem like a loving stepmother to this child, and I don't want to start a disagreement, but I want to bring up something from your first paragraph.
You had mentioned that you jokingly told him that you forgot his gift cards, and that he reacted more strongly than he usually does when you joke around like that. My issue is that you told him something that would make him upset as a joke, and then punished him for his reaction. That is a little bit like gas lighting to me. If you had not made that "joke" he wouldn't have been upset, and although he is responsible for his reaction, there was no need for him to even be in that position of making the right decision on how to react because you did not really forget his gift cards.
Maybe he is old enough to have brought his own gift cards. But I think that exchange really set the tone for a bad day.
I am not disagreeing with
I am not disagreeing with you. I get what I did and I took responsibility for that. Trust me he still got stuff that day. We went to buy x-mas lights for our house and I know I did not have a really nice tree topper in my stuff and I know SO didn't I let SS pick one out and he got the one he wanted. The x-mas lights were for him too. He really wanted to decorate for x-mas this year including hanging lights. SO and I used our giftcards that were give to us at our housewarming to buy stuff that would make him happy. Yes still for the house but we put on hold buying new doors for our hall closet that has none so we could make SS have a great holiday this year.
Yeah I got to say this seemed
Yeah I got to say this seemed mean.
Also My BS would come into my ex husband and my bed all the time, especially mornings. I know he's not your Bio son but he is just a kid...he's 8. Treat him with the love and respect you want and eventually he'll emulate you.
You are very good to him- a
You are very good to him- a lot of stepmothers seem to believe in sacrificing nothing for their stepkids. Some of them have good reason for it, others seem to be like that from the beginning. Hope you all have a great holiday!
Sounds like your learning the
Sounds like your learning the ways of parenting. It’ not always easy. I think he should not of been punished for the gift card thing myself. Kids deserve respect just as adults deserve respect. But I know it’s not always easy.
A great parenting book you might want to check out is “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk”
Your SS sounds like a normal
Your SS sounds like a normal 9 year old. BS7, almost 8 does some of the same things, I think it's very normal behavior. I think because he is not yours, the behavior grates on you and that is understandable.
I think that was mean of you to tell him you forgot the gift card and to keep it going to the point that he was upset enough to refuse to get out of the car. Who's the adult here?
When you say you "lost it on him and flipped and made him cry" what exactly did you say??
I did not keep the joke going
I did not keep the joke going long at all. He asked right before we pulled into the parking lot and I was about to tell him I did not forget they but he was already refusing to get out of the truck. We were never there for him to begin with. We were there to buy another person a present. I get what I did wrong. He also needs to learn to not be selfish and remember the main reason we were there. Even my SO was really mad at him.
He was back talking for the like 100th time this past weekend. Every time we told him he needed to do something there was an excuse for not doing it or some reason not his own fault of course why it was not done right. It was on going the whining thing all weekend. He is usually not that bad but it just was non-stop. I lost it and said something like "enough I have had enough of it this weekend. The constant back talk and excuses all weekend and I just have had enough of it. SO you deal with it I am done tonight" and I walked out of the room. My tone was harsh.
Also SS cries when he gets punished. He has been doing that forever. When SO would get on him for something he did wrong or really bad SS would just start tearing up and cry.
I have not lost it on him since I have known him. SO has snapped more than me. I am usually the calm one and the voice of reason. SO was surprised I snapped. Usually I can walk away and wake up the next day and be all good. He is so odd he wants my attention 24/7. I get home from grocery shopping for like about 2 hours all in all. The moment I walk in the door he is like Ash this Ash that and SO has to get on him because he is trying to talk to me and SS keeps interrupting. When I get home from work he is there waiting at the door SO says sometimes he watches for my car. It is a lot. The insane clingy behavior mixed in with the attitude and half fast chores it all just piled on. He seriously followed me to the door of the bathroom and was going to stand there until I was done. I am giving it time but I think that he is not doing well. He has always had this crazy attention seeking behavior. Always wants someone around to do something with him. Still wants to be in the middle of me and SO. When SO and I hug and he sees it he has to join in. I love the kid but I am really starting to wonder what the affect og not having a mom has done.
He's an only child and has
He's an only child and has had all the adults in his life cater to him. I'm guessing the grandparents and sissy were probably fairly permissive. Also, being the only child, he is used to being the center of attention and getting his own way.
I just watched my 5yo nephew do this kind of all over his parents squirmy behavior when we were at my dad's. It's not abnormal, but also needs to be corrected by parents when it gets out of hand.
I will also agree that the teasing him about the cards wasn't the best tactic. I guess you maybe don't remember what it's like to be that age and going to a TOY store... it's like heaven for a kid and it's also tailor made for them wanting to get something there. So you were shopping for a present for someone else.. still going to be hard to not want something when he goes in. I mean, the store is DESIGNED to make the kids want stuff! I actually think not letting him use his own cards was a mistake too (if I understood that correct and he wasn't allowed to do that). It did set up a situation where he was going to be out of sorts and you can see how that tainted the rest of the weekend.
He's young and isn't mature enough yet to do all this adult logic that you can do.
And... being a parent figure means we aren't perfect.. we need to try to be paitient.. blowing up at a kid teaches them nothing except that you don't have control either. In the future, try to remove yourself before you get to the blow up point.
Letting him pick out a tree
Letting him pick out a tree topper and getting Christmas decorations does not mean SS got something at the store. He may have picked it out, but you wouldn't have bought something you didn't like or want. You bought it because it was something he picked that was acceptable to you.
Your "teasing" set him off. You knew it would because you expected him to pout as he has done before when you have done this. However, this time he reacted more strongly and you and SO punished him for it. Obviously, SS does not find your "teasing" as funny as you and SO do. Maybe it's time to stop teasing him this way.
Well thanks for the attack on
Well thanks for the attack on me. I did not like the topped he picked out. I would never have picked the one he liked but I let it go. Way to assume.
I get what my teasing did. I did not think he would pout to the extreme he did. He usually is more verbal about it and I say I am joking. He has never refused to get out the car before. I do not do this all the time. It was a silly joke that got out of hand. I learned my lesson. Thank you so much for making me realize what I already knew I did wrong. I really appreciate you pointing out to me that I am a bad person for what I did.
Yes, I made an assumption and
Yes, I made an assumption and you have corrected it. When you post on an internet forum you have to be prepared for responses you don't like or are made on incomplete information.
Welcome to the world of parenting. Nine year olds are at the age of starting to get mouthy. Nine year olds often don't pick up poop or clean bathrooms to adult standards.
No they usually do not and I
No they usually do not and I know that. I am not sure what happened this weekend. He is usually really good about cleaning the bathroom and picking up the poop. Not perfect but not this bad. I think part of it is he knew Aunt was coming over and going to get away with more when she is around.
I know people will say stuff. Sorry for the rude response long weekend and also did not sleep last night. Really grouchy today.
Have you noticed through all
Have you noticed through all of this that he never once actually got punished for his behavior?
He gets grouchy at the toy store, but still gets to make the decision about the Christmas tree topper (which can be a big deal in families). He got something he wanted despite being a PITA.
He gets right in the middle of you and SO after being told not to, and he gets his tablet.
He doesn't do his chores and...did he lose the tablet? Go to bed early? Get extra chores? Anything other than getting a talking to by SO and you flipping out?
This is going to be the norm, with more frequency, for the next 10 years. Your SO needs to put him in an activity to socialize with other kids, and he needs to come up with actual punishments for poor behavior. Had I refused to get out of the car with my parents, one of them would have sat outside with me in the car until we were done with all the errands. I would have gotten home and been sent to my room to read or continue sitting until dinner. Then I would have been fed and put straight to bed. My parents made it ABUNDANTLY clear that if we kids impacted their day for no real reason that we would hate life. We only ever had to do something stupid once before we stopped.
You're in for a rough decade if you both don't lay down the law now. I'm not saying every infraction needs a huge punishment, but redirecting should end after toddlerhood. He is at an age where he needs to learn that actions have consequences, not that he can wear down the adults in his life until he gets SOMETHING that is rewarding.
Thank you. Since this was the
Thank you. Since this was the first time he really lacked on his chores he got a warning and said if it happened again he would lose his tablet for a long time. He has been sent to his room and made to read before. We have punished him when he does not do things he should. He was warned to put his tablet away and not leave it sit out on the floor on the charger, after I caught it the first time. Second time I was cleaning and there is laid again. I for get but he did something else and lost his tablet for the weekend. That is the only time he is allowed to be on it. Even we limit the time he spends on it.
As for the bed thing when he crawled up in I told him to get off and he did. I do not care if he is the bed and just hanging out but he is allergic to the cats and is on a allergy meds for it. I had not washed our bedding and the cats are shedding really bad. I did not want him on the bed and get covered in cat hair.
I get what you are saying. Still trying to figure it all out. He did scoop the rest of the poop yesterday after he did his school work without being reminded. It is all a work in progress at this point. Overall things are getting much better.
It is hard because I feel for this kid and it breaks my heart a little that is is so clingy with me and with me and his dad. Last night it was about 10 min to bed time. He brushed his teeth and was like hey guys lets all three of us lay in my bed till I go to bed. Part of it only child, part of it his age, part of it first time ever having that family unit he saw so many others have. We said no. Just interesting to see the affects of not having a mom around has done to him.
I think you are putting way
I think you are putting way more emphasis on "not having mom around" than you should be. This is part age and part a change from his norm. He grew up a certain way (without mom, dad back and forth a lot with work, grandparents and aunt acting as parental figures who also probably spoiled the crap out of him) and is now having all of that thrown out the window. He's learning, just as you all are, his new normal.
My YSS went through a similar phase when DH and I got together, and it escalated when we moved in together and got married. It was because there was a new norm being established, and he was partly working through that while also testing boundaries to see what he could and couldn't get away with. His behavior was due to change, and he's right back into a phase because he's being hit really hard with puberty and BM splitting from SF.
SS, while he may have missed out on having a mom, has never had a life WITH a mom. His behavior isn't a result of her not being there. It is a result of a changing family dynamic. That's why he needs structure and not excuses, because he is going to learn from this experience how to navigate through change. He'd act the same if his mom was around. He'd act the same if BM and DH were still together and brought a new baby into the picture. Basically, he'd act (and will act again) the same no matter what so long as change is happening.
Structure, boundaries, and consequences for actions. Let him know that all because life is different and hard right now doesn't mean he gets to be a whiny PITA. You can be kind when you deliver that message, but that is the message that needs to be delivered consistently.
Thanks. I probably am putting
Thanks. I probably am putting too much on the mom not being there. It has been a ton of change for this kid. Sometimes I want to scream and unfortunately I let that little part of me slightly slip out.
My Skids super act out every
My Skids super act out every time BM ditches them again, I posted about that earlier... While I do think kids are old enough to start understanding, I do agree it's just because they're trying to figure things out.
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your SO are teenagers? Expectations and responsibilities should be clear, no? Including consequences? Punishment is usually ineffective and makes everyone feel bad, but luckily there are lots of ways to motivate and insist on accountability without getting into dramatic threats or 'losing it.'
Sounds like a rough weekend. Usually the best thing to do in almost any circumstances is make sure you don't over-extend yourself. Then people usually feel like a doormat, or get too tired or too frustrated and everything goes wrong.