yes, and in my personal situation my dh would love to see her gone...forever. unfortuneately he has kids who he adores with her, this is enough to give her reason to believe she can act this way.

they have to have contact because they have kids, if they didn't he'd NEVER speak to her again...all well and good for him to do. but since they have kids he HAS to be around her. do you intentionally put people who want to destroy you in your life? no, because it's not healthy.

the best we can do is keep her at a healthy distance, but that doesn't mean it's not a terrible position to be in. and a trite response, no matter how true, won't be helpful to someone who has a real problem.

and there it is CRAZY!

i'm faced with CRAZY and so normal rules do not apply.

kayro...I have really enjoyed your advice in the past and appreciate it. But this is how I took your statement.

--->Gotta let the guy grow up sometime and manage his business.

thanks for that patronizing statement about how you think i "mommy" him.

maybe i'm different than you, but my marriage is a partnership. he tells me when he thinks i could handle a situation better and i tell him. he values my input and insight. he usually wants me around in stressful or uncomfortable situations because he feels a sense of strength from my support. there are also things he doesn't see and he wants me to inform him when this happens because he wants me to be happy. I have no intention of doing it FOR him, but I have no problem standing with him while he handles it and that works for us.

call it mothering if you will, but i call it how a healthy marriage works.

The problem is the man who won't cut that behavior right off.

well, i'd have agreed with you wholeheartedly until i had the great pleasure of experiencing his ex wife and getting a taste of what CRAZY is made of. Being a normal, reasonable human being is not something she's capable of and when I tell you the ONLY thing that brings her back to reality is my presence, I'm not exaggerating. I imagine that soon she will even manage to not let that intrude on her fantasy.

DH fails on rare occasions because he is a courteous man...but he's learning even minor courtesy with her feeds her delusions.

Are you a SM?

i never said i would verbally confront her. there is absolutely no reason for that as she's a fully unreasonable person. my mere presence is enough to keep her to the task at hand and as short as possible. unfortunately, i hate being around her. some have called me clingy...but oh well, DH likes when i'm there so his opinion is the only one that matters to me.

DH has learned how to end the conversation. and he has said i will not get into that with you now, i want to talk about xyz. but i had to coach him through the first time.

---->He really really needs to learn how to recognize, set and enforce appropriate boundaries with other women because he has a wife who absolutely without question is priority over any other woman.

agreed! and he does this beautifully for the most part. but with her...he can, at times be a bit dense.

example...she needed to talk to him kid related but he doesn't go into her house anymore and she was adamant she didn't want the girls to hear so she hops in his truck to have this convo! with a normal person, no big deal. he didn't really think about it. it's about his kids right? well, no, it's a boundary, because she is actively seeking ways to destroy us! he didn't do anything with her, and i completely trust him, but her and him being alone in the cab of the truck is just not a good idea. just like him going into her house. just a boundary.

he got it once i told him.

but i guess the part that i felt was a double standard is that the post about the inappropriate email empowered the wife to talk to her husband. there was no insulting mention of jealousy and insecurity.

but when i see posts about dh's with bm's there is always this element.

even your initial post said i needed to let him grow up and that it was up to him. nothing about talking to him and setting down what the appropriate guidelines are.

never speaking to her is probably the right thing for him to do except he has kids with her...so that's not really possible.

he's learning not to be so nice. but when he's in a hospital room to be with his daughter he is nice, it's these times i've decided to be with him because BM will push the boundary unless I'm there.

i actually want to give her the courtesy of not being there, because I know my personal presence irritates her, but if she can't respect even the institution of marriage enough to back off my husband, then i guess i'll show up to support my DH and my SD.