Just Frustrated- FDH Slips Back to His Old Ways of Dealing with BM
Sometimes it feels like FDH just isn’t getting it.
Since he laid down the boundaries with BM (no going in her house, no joint holidays, no friendly phone calls to talk about the kids for no reason), she’s been on the rampage. She’s kept the kids from him for showing up a few minutes late (there is no time in the agreement- it says “after work” and she’s picked a time). She’s also just randomly decided that she won’t send one of the kids without consulting him. The latest is that she made plans to take them out of town to visit their grandparents on Father’s Day which is a double whammy as it is his weekend and he has the legal right to spend Father’s Day with them. So basically, she’s ruining his Father’s Day.
When we were in counseling, the therapist gave him all sorts of hell for his relationship with her. Because of his previous behavior, we agreed there that he would share all communications between BM and himself with me. Phone calls were to be conducted in my presence and emails would be sent to me. He’s done a pretty good job of this and I was starting to feel comfortable that he was finally getting it. The basic concept was when BM makes a request, says something via email, etc… that he would share this with me then we would decide collectively how to respond and do so as a couple. (He would respond but I would be part deciding what should be said). WE are the couple, not him and BM therefore WE make decisions together related to her.
So after I found out yesterday that she was picking up the kids early on Father’s Day without asking him permission (she just told him), I was pretty clear that I thought he needed to put it in writing that he would accommodate this time (long story but makes sense) but in the future she should never make plans for any of the children on his rightful visitation with him without asking his permission.
Last night, I find out that all he said was “I am disappointed that I will not be able to spend Father’s Day with my kids”. I flipped out. Here he is headed to court for contempt charges and she is very much in contempt with her recent activities and he needs to call her out in court too. Yet he refuses to put his foot down in writing and stand up for himself. He’s going to be taken to the cleaners if the court doesn’t see what she is doing too and if he has no evidence of that in writing. And what the heck is he doing going off and having email exchanges with her that he keeps from me?? What happened to US deciding together what to say and doing that? And why did I have to ask what the outcome was? We’ve talked over and over and over about him leaving me out and me always being the last to know anything, having to ask about everything, being the odd woman out… Here we go again--slipping back to old ways and just appeasing her because he’s scared of her. Just giving her ALL the power and not standing up for his rights and what is right for the kids.
I feel like as soon as I start to feel comfortable that he’s dealing with her properly and sharing everything with me, he goes off and does what he used to do. It makes me crazy. I can never relax.
So we had a big argument and he said “Wait, you want me to share everything with you?” Yes! That’s what we agreed upon in therapy because you aren’t able to keep proper boundaries without that and you fall prey to her manipulation and let her get away with murder which is going to impact BOTH of us in the end when you’re so broke after she reams you in court that you can’t take care of financial business here! He slept in the guest room.
This morning he did finally send her the email that stated that he had a right to have his kids this weekend and not have Father’s Day cut short without his consent and asked her to be sure to get his permission in the future. Surprisingly, she agreed. (I think she’s realizing she’ll look bad in court with this stuff). But only after causing issues in our relationship.
This really isn’t that hard. He said today that’s it’s because he hates conflict. Fine. But unless you stand up for yourself, you’re basically allowing your ex to run our lives and I simply won’t live this way. And you’re certainly willing to cause conflict in our home because you’d rather have me mad than her mad. SO FRUSTRATING!
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Comments
I think she probably knows
I think she probably knows that second email came after fall out between the two of you. I wouldn't doubt that's part of why she does the things she does.
It's also the biggest reason why I don't get involved in DH's communication with his ex unless he asks me to or if it directly involves me. I get that your situation may be different, but that's not control or drama that I want for myself.
She obviously knows that
She obviously knows that these new boundaries are as a result of his relationship with me. She's really pissed and is trying to make her own "boundaries" like enforcing a BS time he must be there to pick up the kids. She's tying to get him to back off and return to doing things her way (her running the show) by punishing him with this nonsense.
I wish I didn't need to know what was going on. But our situation was SO bad before related to this that there really isn't an alternative. And this is what we collectively agreed upon with the counselor to ensure I am not left out of important decisions/info. Eventually, I hope he can figure out how to look out for us and not bow to her on his own and then I can remove myself from this altogether.
I appreciate your support.
I appreciate your support.
You are right. I definitely need to keep the improvement in mind. It's just so hard because the betrayal has been there and it's impossible not to feel like the two steps back are going to be the new normal again. I hate this. But when I look at how far we've come, it's night and day. And there are 20+ years of her brainwashing to undo here. She really has him convinced that she should make all the decisions related to the kids and she's being KIND to let him see the kids. He's just now starting to realize he has legal and moral rights and that she isn't the authority on those. It's going to take time.
On one hand, I feel like I
On one hand, I feel like I should just let him deal with her and live with the consequences of not standing up for himself. But then I remember how awful it was before. Visitation changed at a drop of a hat, she was always demanding him to do things for the kids on his free weekends (so and so needs a ride to X and I am busy with other kid so you must do this if you love your kid) but would never reciprocate. I might add it's an hour round trip to her house. Holidays and birthdays were at her house and I was excluded. He was spending cash to buy her a Mother's Day gift but couldn't afford to take me out. It goes on... The thought of heading back in the direction makes me sick. It would end us. I refuse to live under her thumb.
But when I look at how far
But when I look at how far we've come, it's night and day.
And there are 20+ years of her brainwashing to undo here. She really has him convinced that she should make all the decisions related to the kids and she's being KIND to let him see the kids.
^^^ Been there!
Anne, I feel for you too. I
Anne, I feel for you too. I have been throught this process and all of the frustration that goes with it too many times.
Like Pinata said it sometimes seems like DH takes 2 steps forward and one back way too often.
Most of the time I wish that I could just pull back and not know what is going on between him and BM but DH has a bad habit of not enforcing boundaries with BM which causes problems in our relationship. So I guess until he can withdraw from giving into BM's demands I will want to remain informed.
Like you said, BM knows that the changes/boundaries are because of DH's relationship with me and makes sure that she brings it up to DH every time she calls.
Just the other day she left a message and said "well, I guess I won't hear back from you since you're not allowed to call me".
Which of course, just makes DH feel like he is being p*&&y whipped and that does not sit very well. Him being a the manly man that he is.
Of course, she knows this, she's not THAT stupid. She's just trying to cause problems and/or get her way.
BM does NOT understand boundaries. She does NOT understand that DH is no longer at her beck and call. And she does NOT understand he is not her personal confidante.
But like I have told DH so many times you want 2 wives go ahead but I refuse to play second fiddle to ANY woman and I don't care how long you were married nor how many kids you have together!!!
Sorry. My rant is done!
I could've written this!
I could've written this! Well, at least this site has taught me that I am not the only one dealing with this nonsense. I really used to think I was crazy.
Just the other day she left a message and said "well, I guess I won't hear back from you since you're not allowed to call me".
The other day our BM emailed and said "Since you're not allowed in my house anymore". I am sure FDH was pissed when he read that for the same reasons your husband was.
Yes. BM is mad because she
Yes. BM is mad because she is not allowed in OUR (previously her and DH's) house anymore!
I let her in the first few years and she would make stupid remarks about when she lived there and touch DH when she was talking to him.
NO more BM. You don't respect me, nor mine and DH's relationship so I am done putting up with that stuff!!!
I hosted a few birthday
I hosted a few birthday parties last year at our house. She started acting like SHE was the hostess. Even started cooking in my kitchen. The final straw was the last one when she sat there taking a trip down their marriage memory lane in front of me. No more joint events for me after that.
Now, she's not even allowed in here. She used to walk around my old house making comments like how my real Christmas tree didn't smell real. Just waltzing around, going into bedrooms, etc... Not going to happen in my new home.
When she comes Sunday to steal the kids from Father's Day, she had better not put one foot in the door. I am going to advise him the bags need to be in the foyer that he hands to her (not take them to the car for her) and the kids will need to be ready to walk out that door. No opportunity for her to need to come in. And we're not falling for that "need to use the restroom trick either". Pee before you leave your house.
This reminds me of my second
This reminds me of my second Christmas with DH, then BF. It was the first time he had had the children to his house on Christmas Day (previous year he went to BMs). We weren't really living together at that point, but I had been spending a lot of time at his house and a lot of weekends with the children.
He went to collect them from BM's, SD number 2, then 12 refused to leave her mother. He brought the other 4 back. Shortly afterwards BM turned up with SD and in a private kitchen conversation with BF decided it would be best if she, BM, stayed so that the children would be comfortable. Thus commenced the most uncomfortable Christmas of my life.
Before I knew where I was I found myself at a Christmas being hosted by BM and BF, who cooked Christmas dinner together in the cramped kitchen while I sat in the living room with the children, as though I were in fact one of the children. It was an impossible situation, having been ambushed there was nothing I could say without looking petulant and churlish, and if I left I would have essentially been chased off by BM in front of all the children. There was no way I was going to join them in the kitchen as 3rd wheel. Then we all sat down to dinner together. All I could do was absent myself to the bedroom for as long as decently possible before and after the dinner and wait for it to be over.
The following year BM wept in the driveway as we drove off with the 5 children, despite the fact that she had her own BF, had had the children most of the day and BF did not get them till 4pm. I used to love Christmas before I got involved with stepchildren.
Had the exact same situation.
Had the exact same situation. The BM made it clear that it was her way or the highway--in other words, do as I say or you won't see your kids (the old "I'm doing you a FAVOUR to LET you see your children" model)
Of course he took the bait and kissed up for six years (both her and the skids hineys) When they started lying and making up stuff after he tried to put a modicum of parental authority into place (oh did I mention that the BM WORKS for CHILD PROTECTIVE in her county?) then running to the BM who was only too happy to write up a CPS report based on the lies, she started withholding visitation and they slowly but surely PASed out one by one. The children even admitted "we lied to make mommy happy" and "mommy made you look like a monster."
And let me be clear--Guilty Daddy treated the BM like GOLD due to the fact that his MIL at the time lived just down the street and would "monitor" their marriage daily. She made sure that her little princess was treated like royalty (got to be a stay at home mom--really stay-in-bed mom in her case)
Having no kids and no mother of my own hovering over him, he's feel to express every sociopathic tendency toward me. Blames me for the PASout.
Dup.
Dup.
I'm sorry he is backsliding.
I'm sorry he is backsliding. He WILL learn that you are right and this is the way it will best be for YOUR relationship.
I know that in the early stages between DH and I, he even so much as told me that BM may be a rotten GF but she was a good mother. Years later, he cannot believe he EVER said that about her.
I was so VERY lucky that my DH was so fed up with her crap that he wanted absolutely NOTHING more to do with her in any way. Because of her craziness, he even had a No Contact order written into their CO. And she never had my number, except right at the beginning when we first were just dating. I don't know how you can handle it.
He still believed everything that BM said for quite a while, even when he KNEW she was a liar. Finally, I said to him that if she said the sky was BLUE, he'd damn sure BETTER go outside and CHECK FOR HIMSELF. That made an impression on him.
I'm sorry honey. I hope he
I'm sorry honey. I hope he sees the light and quits backpedaling. His life is with YOU not her. If he wants to have a successful relationship with you, he needs to hold firm with her and keep those boundaries intact.
How frustrating. I'm so sorry!
Geez Anne, I can soooo
Geez Anne, I can soooo identify with you on this one and I am so sorry.. I'm angry for you!! DH and I have been round and round about this very thing a million times. The final solution for us was that I took over all communication with BM. Otherwise, I seriously would know nothing.. EVER! BM doesn't mind communicating with me.. she was married to DH for 10 years, so she knows what I'm dealing with, so she actually prefers that I'm the one she talk to, just to make sure ALL bases are covered, whatever may be going on.. she knows I won't 'forget' to tell anyone.
He's damn near perfect in
He's damn near perfect in every other respect. Wonderful man. Not willing to walk away at this point. He is trying. Just doesn't get it sometimes.
Now, you have every right to
Now, you have every right to let him know that you can't live with the situation as it is...but he has to decide if change is what he wants.
^^^ EXACTLY.
In the first few years of our marriage I had this conversation with DH many times. Sometimes he would argue with me about the boundaries that I insisted be set for BM. He would accuse me of trying to control him.
He accused me of being jealous of BM and a host of other things. Finding ST helped me to see that I was not loosing my mind and not requesting anything out of the ordinary.
I let him know he has a choice to make if he wanted to have a sister wife club with BM go ahead but I was having no part of it.
I did not care how long he was married to her nor how many children they had it was not acceptable in our relationship and I would leave first. And I truly meant it!
I continued insisting on boundaries because I figured he would eventually get it or not. Yes, sometimes I think he has resented me insisting on those boundaries. But I knew I did not want to live the rest of my life that way, playing second fiddle to BM's needs, wants or desires.
Last fall when I heard him tell a man friend of ours (that is going through the same thing) that he knew that BM had crossed boundaries that shouldn't have been crossed but he never looked at it that way.
That he just thought he should try to get along with her. But that she WOULD call and talk about her personal life and that NOW he knew she just wanted to keep him on a string and control him and his money, etc. He has realized BM doesn't want him she just wants to have CONTROL over him.
I knew he was finally getting it. Maybe not completely but maybe it is starting to sink in.
Anne glad for the update.
Anne glad for the update. Sorry he is backpedling. But I think that is normal for these guys. Sometimes it just takes a 'few more takes' for them to get it. Just keep reminding yourself what you just said 'he is damn near perfect in other ways'...he will finally get it with your help and help of the counselor.
Sorry to hear he's
Sorry to hear he's slipping... but he does seem to be getting there.. slowly but surely..
My DH is REALLY finally starting to put his foot down with BM too. She is also coming out with both guns blazing.. trying to threaten him by saying she's going to "explore other avenues" in getting him to continue paying..and paying..
It's very obvious to DH and I that this is just her way of trying to continue with her manipulation crap. She was spoiled rotten a a chld by her Father, who gave her EVERYTHING her heart desired.. then when she married DH, he continued the spoiling - by giving in to her every whim/demand. She is the wonderful result of how an entitled child becomes a demanding egotistical adult.. a leach on society with no real values or morals.
It makes us laugh now, at how she's grasping at straws and trying to control our relationship through her kids. She's pathetic and desperate. What's damned sad about this whole situation is, she doesn't give a flying fuck about her kids feelings - she's out to hurt DH because he dared to finally stand up to her.