So, I have two choices. I can give up and run away, move back to Colombia and never look back or I can forgive and forget and start with a clean sleight all over again and move on.

The problem with option nr. 1, although it seems really good right now, is that I would be giving up much more than my marriage. I already gave it all up once to marry this man and be with him, and if I were to leave him, I'd have to leave the country, my job and my career. But I can't stay with someone only because of my job, right? The thing is that I don't want to leave my husband in the first place. I love him to death and want to be with him. I just wish his children would disappear.

The problem with option nr. 2 is that moving on requires me to forget about all the damage and the pain and I don't know if I'm such a person. I think that by forgetting what happened, I'm compromising my own integrity. I am allowing for injustice and unfairness to take place in my own house and against me. It makes me feel like I don't love myself enough because I'm putting everyone's needs ahead of mine. Perhaps that's what the "biggest person" would do. I just don't know that I have it in me to pretend that nothing happened. I don't think I can just move on without a single apology and still feel that I have a thread of dignity.

Do ya'll ever feel like you're acting like 2 year olds? That's how I feel. I know that I'm being complicated and immature and that I'm only making my husband's life more difficult. But I just can't move on. These kids, especially SS9 has made my life a living hell for the last 7 months. I believe in my heart, honestly that his goal is to get rid of me. He's getting seriously close to it though... The only thing I feel for him right now is despise and to be able to control those feelings and not get irritated at everything he does, takes a lot of effort. I feel that I'm not myself when I'm around him. Usually, I'm a pretty fun and easy going person. When that child is around I'm a monster. I certainly feel like one. The vein in my forehead seems to pop out at the sight of him. My very south american blood boils when I hear his name and I feel sick when he comes into my home. I literally feel nauseated. This kid will be the end of me.

So, without telling me to give up on the love of my life and my career and my current life, how do I deal with this?