I'm in Canada. I do know that in my province a judge will take the child's preference into account when making their decision at the age of 12. Also, just because the judge may take it into consideration, they will also look at the home situation, the parents, etc as a whole.

Now that's IF it goes back to court. A 12 year old does not get to say "I'm moving to mom's/dad's", and off they go. I'm pretty sure I've heard it mentioned here from others as well, so your ex and BD may be mistaken in that regard. I'd check with your state laws though, and hang in there.

So I only tell you what happens here. At the age of 12 skids are allowed to choose which parent they want to live with provding its obviously a safe environment. At that age they are also allowed to take there siblings with them as well even if the siblings aren't 12 as yet.
I'm not sure what happens if the cutodial parent doesn't agree with the childs decision, I can only assume that a judge then decides.

I can understand you being un easy about this. Has your BD given you a reason on why she wants to live with her BF especially seeing he isn't home every often? Is she aware that most of her time with be with her Step mother?

I don't know how much opposition BM gave when our SD decided to live with us, (I was a newish girlfriend at the time and probably not what the SD planned on) but she has remained here and my husband is constantly aware that legally she can change her mind at any time and move back. Don't know what to tell you, it is hard when kids can get mad at their folks for having rules and safety guidelines, and just decide to leave. It creates a hard home life of trust, and security if a child can decide to pick up and go due to household chores or curfews etc. I have no advice, sorry, maybe you can explain to your BD why she should be with you and not with BD. try to emphasize the positives of the life you provide? I deal with this every summer when my SD leaves her BM and debates whether or not to comes back to us. Good Luck

when she was 14. Her counselor at the time told us that she was at the age when the courts would let her decide, again, as Dani1081 pointed out, as long as the home she wanted to move in was stable. BM in our case hated the idea, but since we had psychological counselors saying this was the way to go, it didn't go to court. That didn't stop her from pressuring SD and making their relationship even worse than it was. The only thing I can possibly add here is that when it happened for us, we laid down the law with SD and said that she could come live with us, but this was NOT going to turn into a okay, I'm tired of living here, I'll go live there, ok I'm tired of the rules over there, so now I'll come back here. Of course, if she moved in with us, and realized it wasn't working, we'd let her go back to her mom's (once) but the thought of doing that back and forth wasn't an option. If she's old enough to pick where she lived, then she was old enough to deal with the consequences so she needed to be sure! It's important for me to note that I'm in the same situation as your Ex-H. He travels for work and I raise SD while he is away. BioMom does not like it, but she cannot fault me that SD is doing better here (again verified by counselors). My DH and I were hoping that would actually help BioMom and her D (my SD) relationship. So far has not because BioMom doesn't support SD and her decision. As far as your other ex goes though, that's a drug addict, that one may need more fighting because the kids don't really understand what they are getting into. If you can, try to find out the real reasons behind their choice. Is it rules, or is it just trying to be close to a parent they don't see / are with very often? Good luck to you!

My SD asked to move in with us and Bm said it was fine as long as she still got the CS. We said if you move in you have to stay at least one year because we are not going to have a revolving door every time you don't get your way. She did move in and stayed until she went off to college. I was ready for her to go when she left because it was like living with a miniature Bm every day.

In my state, they can decide at 13. I think the only thing that can be done about it is to try to prove the other parent "unfit", which may just come across as hostile to the court and do more harm than good.

But I have to ask, you keep saying that your kids are you and your ex's responsibility, and you don't want another woman raising your kids...but you are married to another man who is helping you raise your kids, right? I ask because it seems like somewhat of a double-standard. As step moms, this is one of the major things that we hear over and over from biomoms, even those who are already remarried as you are. You are a step mother as well, so I understand that you see both sides of the coin. I'm not trying to start an argument or a flame war, just trying to gain a little perspective.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*